Day 9 - Bravery Takes Many Forms

Today was not special by any stretch of the imagination. Connor, my son, woke me up bright and early as usual. I had my usual cup of coffee with sugar free vanilla caramel creamer and Splenda (yummy!). I made one of my favorite breakfasts (Egg Beaters veggie scramble with shredded cheese and turkey bacon wrapped in a low fat, whole wheat, low carb tortilla.) Read the paper, played with my son, lunch, snuggled with him for a nap, then more playing and dinner. I watched the Chicago Blackhawks clinch the Stanley Cup (GO HAWKS!!) and the Top Chef Masters finale (I do so love that show.) Quick snack, then onto my evening routine. I read the latest entry and about 2-4 past entries on http://losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com/, then come here and write my own. Then I get some sleep. Seems like a fairly typical day, right? Well, yes and no.

Today, I did something that, for me, is brave. I came out of the shadows and posted a comment on my inspiration's blog. Doesn't sound like much? You don't know me. I'm the type of person who's terrified of being judged. Whether by strangers or by close friends, it doesn't matter. It goes to the point of being completely irrational, almost paranoia. Oooo, someone's thinking bad about me, ooooo. While I'm giggling as I write this because it just sounds so crazy, I have been like this most of my life and, as I blogged about earlier this past week, part of the reason why I eat when I don't need or even want to. I use food as a way of comforting my inner psyche that feels hurt, left out, not interesting enough, not cool enough, ugly (both physically and emotionally), not acceptable...

Oh boy, that's a big one right there. Not acceptable. I am not acceptable. Who I am is not acceptable. Because I (the judgee) am different from you (the judger), I am not acceptable. I'm not doing "_________" right. Wow, kinda powerful there. I have felt this since I was a child, but it was something I was never able to talk about to others (at least outside of a shrink's office).

Eating is about control. Every day, we control what we put into our mouths. We control if/when/how we exercise. We fix our hair or not. We wear clothes or not. (Hey, I'm not judging.) Something we as humans cannot control is how others see us, think about us, judge us on a day-to-day basis and therein lies a constant source of stress. Some folks don't let that stress get to them. Others, like myself, constantly worry about it, leaving parts of our inner selves tangled in stress knots. We seek out ways to comfort ourselves. Some jump out of perfectly good airplanes (oh, brother dear...) Others, like myself, seek out an easier, cheaper, more readily accessible form of comfort. We eat. I eat... and eat... and eat. From the gourmet (chicken breakfast crepes with brie cream sauce) to the desperate (half-eaten piece of cake sitting on top of the garbage can.) I've force-fed myself week-old casserole that wasn't even good the day it was fresh and sneaked a loved one's dessert. Something, anything to put into my mouth in an attempt to squelch the feeling of "not being good enough."

How does all of this relate to being brave? This week, I started down a new path for me. I have decided not to hide in the shadows any longer. Fear and negativity live in shadows. To make my way down a positive path, I needed to come into the light, to put myself out there, honestly and completely. I needed to find what really makes me tick so I can learn to accept myself and recognize my strengths. It is by doing this and committing myself to continuing this path that I will ultimately become the person I am meant to be. Not that what's going on right now isn't half bad, but man does not progress by standing still.

What I did today was take another small step out of the shadows of fear and self-doubt. I would normally be terrified of posting a comment on a stranger's blog, especially one as open as I did. Terrified of being judged by others as a crazy, desperate, pathetic stalker-type. Think of those women who throw themselves at convicted murders in jail. Yeah, being judged like that. So, for me, that one small post is indeed an act of bravery; one of many to come, I'm sure.

But, for now, all acts of bravery must wait a few hours as I get some rest. This post ran longer than expected, but in a good way. I am thankful for the rush of thoughts and ideas. Each one brings me closer to my self and reminds me of my successes. That's great motivation anytime!

Oh, and if you're reading this, Sean, welcome to my blog! I can only hope you will not be running away, screaming in terror, after you read it. Somehow, I think everything will be ok. :)

~H