"Look at a stone cutter hammering away at his rock, perhaps a hundred times without as much as a crack showing in it. Yet at the hundred-and-first blow it will split in two, and I know it was not the last blow that did it, but all that had gone before." ~Jacob A. Riis
I had to leave Weight Watchers in August due to financial reasons. Since then, I have just lost all focus, all motivation and all positive thought. I had reached my lowest weight in years (220.2) and now, a mere 3 months later, I've gained nearly 20lbs. I haven't even been able to think of getting on a scale in over a week now. I haven't been able to face the numbers.
I can't stop eating.
I can't get past feeling tired and sick which kills any motivation to exercise.
I don't want to give up, but I have to admit that this is the closest I've ever been to complete surrender.
I'm lost. I'm frustrated. I'm scared.
I am fighting against my own temptations, my own fears, my own feelings of failure.
I'm fighting against a family, though incredibly supportive, is not on this same journey and cannot (and should not) be put in a position to miss out on the things they love or the lifestyle they wish to lead. It's just hard being surrounded every day by foods and habits that contributed to my high weight.
I'm not getting any younger. This isn't getting any easier.
I need help and I don't know where to look for it anymore. No money to buy the help. All attempts at setting up buddies falls apart about as quickly as they get set up. I've exhausted what free resources I know of. I don't know what to do.
I don't want to give up. I can't give up. Please, God, don't let this end. Show me the path I need to be on now. Help me succeed.
I've always stated that this blog was more than weight loss. It's my way of connecting to myself, to others, to the world. While I've used this blog mostly as a weight loss tool, I've felt it could be much more. So, after some time off, I've come to the decision to open up the focus and make it more... well... me. Weight loss will definitely be a big topic, but so will my trials and joys with autism and SPD, my love of all things geeky and whatever else may pop into my mind.
So, check out the new look and check back soon. You never know what may be here next time. :)
Wow, has it really been 2 1/2 months since I last blogged?! Yikes! I do tend to hide away when things aren't going well. Looking at the date, that's probably what happened. I've been on such a rollercoaster ride these last several weeks in terms of eating, being on plan at Weight Watchers, being off-plan, exercising, not exercising, schedule changes, depression, emotional eating, personal discovery, a wedding, a death, a terminal illness diagnosis and the end of a revered family tradition.
Yeah... a little rough to say the least. I feel like I've hiked the Grand Canyon of stress and finally come out the other side, battered and bruised but (hopefully) triumphant. I'm back here blogging and refocusing my efforts; that (to me) means success. Ooo, that gives me a new equation to keep in mind for this next leg of my journey...
Persistance + Unwillingness to fail = Success
Some days, success isn't measured in foods eaten, Points+ tracked, exercise minutes achieved, or NSVs. On those days, it's the simple fact that I refuse to give up on myself completely. Last night was one of those days. I have been feeling very out-of-control lately; So much going on that I had no control over. I let my struggles with food and exercise motivation take a back seat to those emotions and (several times) just ate until I thought I would burst. My scale at home reflects that (from 216 to 222 in 2 weeks). I've missed the last two weeks of WW meetings, but I am determined to go in today to weigh-in (my local center is open from 11a-1p for WIs and purchases). I need to know what the "official" scale says before I get started on this holiday weekend! Food is already purchased, so I will have to work with what I have. But, I know my choices need to be more conscious and less "Screw it! I'm fat anyway. What's one more burger/handful of chips/ice cream cone?" At least I won't have the bag of my favorite chips staring me in the face. Of course, I have to accept the fact that I ate the whole bag yesterday. Ok, lots of water today to clear out the sodium. Step 1.
Step 2: Lots and lots of veggies! Fill up on veggies (and some fresh fruit) and keep the rest in check. Protein... lean... portioned. Staying away from the fatty "salads" (potato, macaroni, etc) and experimenting with healthier desserts (grilled pineapple on sour cream angel food cake with a dollop of sugar-free, low-fat butter pecan ice cream anyone?)
Step 3: Get my butt to the gym! I know that is where I'm most successful at working out. I have the time, the transportation and the membership to my local Y (with 2 locations nearby). I have no excuses to not pop in for 30min or so. I feel better. I look better. Why am I not doing this? Because I'm not making it a priority. That changes now!
Step 4: Get to my weekly WW meeting, no matter what the scale might say. I joined for the face-to-face support. Can't get that support unless I walk through the doors. Time to get back!!
Step 5: Wash, rinse, repeat and succeed!
Oh, maybe I can add in Step 4.5: blog on a regular basis. Just writing this blog for the last year has helped me so much and the tremendous support of the blogosphere (especially you, my reader) cannot be denied! Thank you for accepting crazy, chaotic ol' me into your world. As always, it means so very much to me. :)
Ok, time to put those steps into action! A quick weigh-in at my WW center, then a healthy meal, walking around the air-conditioned mall with my guys (hubby and son), then game night with friends. Time to get back to living my life with purpose and focus.
I hope everyone has a wonderful, safe and healthy 4th of July weekend!
This past week was... well... not that great. I'm currently fighting with bi-annual insomnia caused by my circadian rhythm disorder and slept through my meeting times on the 5th. But, I made a point to catch the Friday meeting on the 8th, so I wouldn't miss a week. (Dag-nab-it, I'm gonna make this current goal of 219 by May 18th!!) So, below are my weigh-ins from the last two weeks, my response to a very familiar-sounding post someone made on My Fitness Pal and a heads-up on a great contest currently happening on Friends For Weight Loss. Much more to come in the next few weeks! Until then... Stay strong and *never* give up!
So......
I'm 11 lbs down which is amazing. I'm very pleased with the weight I have lost so far. However I am having a really hard time getting back into the groove of things. I used to go to the gym for an hour a day. Then I stopped going to the gym because of schoolwork and I just watched what I ate and stayed under 1200 calories. I took last weekend off because I had a bachelorette party on Friday, an all day rodeo on Saturday, and a NHL game on Sunday. So I didn't log my entire weekend and although I didn't eat horribly I know I ate more than I needed.
Well now it is Wednesday and I have logged Monday, Tuesday, and today but have been over every single day. My weigh day is supposed to be tomorrow but it will devastate me if I get on the scale and have even gained a pound. So I should I skip tomorrows weigh day? How can I regain motivation to get back to the gym and cut down on what I eat? I'm just lost because everyday I plan on being under and some temptation comes up and I eat it regardless of it I really wanted it or not.
Please help!
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After reading the other members' responses, I was compelled to reply with the following:
Boy, do I know this situation! It's one I deal with on a regular basis (unfortunately) and it can be soooooo tough to bounce back from. But I can tell you that you *can* do it! It takes a lot of conscious effort to shift your thought process and "get back on the wagon", but a week like this (including the possible gain at your weigh in) can be useful to help not just motivate you, but to help you understand your triggers and eating behaviors better. Not easy lessons to learn sometimes.
First... don't worry about what others may say. During times like this, the last thing I ever wanted to hear was "If you want to lose weight, you can do it if you want to." That may be true, but it can only make you feel worse. Don't listen to those, at least not yet. Wait until you're in a more positive frame of mind, then take that in. Right now, you need to listen to yourself and cut yourself a break. You're not "bad", "wrong", or "a failure." You're a human trying to change their life. You will have difficulties. It's ok. As I was once told... "Progress, not perfection."
Next... your weigh in. Do it. Having those numbers (no matter what they are) gives you a way to track your progress. Remember, it's not the only way (tracking measurements, the way your clothes fit, how you're feeling overall are other ways). A body's weight fluctuates quite a bit for a number of reasons, so don't let that be your sole gauge of your progress. Let it guide you and help you set your goals for the future.
This is the time when you're gonna need to dig deep; find that spark of inner strength, remember your motivations for losing the weight in the first place, help yourself believe that it's not one moment in time that defines your weight loss journey, but everything you choose along the way that will ultimately determine your success. This one week is not your whole journey. It's only one small part of it with more left to be determined. You hold the power to make each choice. Pour your determination into making that next choice, no matter how small it may seem, a positive one. Just one to start. Don't worry about the rest for now. One moment at a time.
Know that you're not alone. The mere fact that you posted shows that you haven't given up. That's a great choice! You CAN do it!
It seems that the wonderful folks at Chobani are allowing the awesome folks at Friends For Weight Loss to give away an ENTIRE CASE of Chobani to one very lucky member!! How cool is that?! You will receive (should you win) one full case of a variety of Chobani flavors to tempt your tastebuds, enhance your recipes and just make your day a little yummier overall.
To access the contest, you will need to become a member of Friends For Weight Loss. It's free and one of the best 2 minute investments you can make! Not sure? After signing up for your membership (and entering the contest), look for the this recipe: 2pts+ Chocolate Chip Cookies. I made these (even used some of the Chobani I had in my fridge) and they are hands down the *BEST* 2pt+ cookie I have ever had! Full-sized, chewy, perfect! A must try for any of my WW friends out there. Heck, even if you're not on WW, make these!!
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...and on that delicious note, I am outta here. I need some sleep before working out again tomorrow morning. Day 3 for the week, so I'm pretty happy about it. Oh... one more piece of news. My hubby has *finally* agreed to start working out with me! Yay! It's a compromise (Monday and Friday mornings only), but I'll take it. Everyone has to start somewhere and this helps motivate me to get myself into the gym on two of my hardest-to-get-there days. This should help push my workouts to 5 days per week as I've been wanting to for some time now. I just hope he doesn't back out too often. I'll keep you posted!
Remember... hang in there... make your next choice a positive one... NEVER GIVE UP!
~H.
No April Fool's here! It's late and I'm due to be up early in the morning, so lemme leave you with this quick weigh-in. The first is my official Weight Watchers weigh-in from Tuesday's meeting. The second is my weigh-in from this morning on my scale at home. As I usually weigh-in at my meetings in the evenings and at home first thing in the morning before doing anything else, there is a clear difference in numbers. Of course, I've been working at reaching my current goal (219lbs), so I hope that the weight is actually coming off (my scale is pretty accurate.) I was having some over-eating issues this past week, so getting back onto a fairly strict plan and working out has definitely made a difference. I am looking forward to seeing the scale weight show up at my WW meeting very soon!
The last few weeks have been a rollercoaster with me sabotaging myself every step of the way. At this point in my life, I can't use the excuse "But, it's that time of the month" or "But my child is sick" anymore. I know too much about how this weight loss game works (not everything, but enough) to let any cravings or mood swings get in my way. Sowwy, Charlie. No-go.
I avoided posting a weigh-in (home-based) the last week or so because of one simple reason: I gained. How much was fluid retention and how much was damage from my "Oh, what the hell..." attitude in terms of my food choices lately I don't know. All I do know is that I'm up on the scale and the guilt+frustration+giving in+lack of effort = vicious cycle of bad food choices+larger portions+weight gain which fuels the cycle all over again.
Hello. My name is Heather and I am a food addict.
That's actually a little difficult to say as I never thought of myself as an addict... at least not until recently. Well, the thought was there in the recesses of my mind, bouncing around like a tennis ball. On occasion, it would roll itself into the front of my consciousness and I would take a good, hard swing at it, sending it back into the shadows. It's not that I didn't believe that food could be an addiction or that I couldn't possibly be an addict myself. It was more along the lines of I didn't want to see myself as an addict. To be an addict means to be out of control, unable to help yourself, needing the assistance of others in a big way and a life-long battle to keep the addiction under control.
I'm so incredibly tired of fighting. I constantly see my life as a war with battles on many fronts. After so many years, battle fatigue has set in in the worst way and facing one more, near overwhelming, fight that will last the rest of my life is not something I ever wanted to deal with. I have enough going on (especially on the emotional front) that I don't need anything else; no more pain, stress or sacrifice, thank you.
But... no matter how much I stuff my face... no matter how much I try to eat and drink my negative emotions away... my stress, my exhaustion, my faults, my lack of self-esteem or confidence, my jealousies, my inner pains... I can't give up on myself. Not anymore; not since I started this journey two years ago. I can't let go of that spark, that tiny voice that speaks two very glaring truths: I Can Do It and I Am Worth It.
It took me 30 years to figure those small, yet vital pieces of information out. Thirty years to believe them completely. Two years ago, I decided to apply them to losing weight and gaining the healthy body/mind/spirit I've always wanted. I've never looked back. I may have cursed the knowledge from time to time (ignorance is bliss??), but have never regretted or given up on this. Not that it's made the struggle any easier...
If you read my last post, you know that I have been unable to push myself past the 220's. Ever. This is where I stumble and fall. This is where I give up. This is where I fail.
Not. This. Time.
I haven't talked about it much, but I have been glued to the current season of The Biggest Loser. This has been an important key in keeping my resolve (even in its smallest form) alive as well as finding new motivations and getting past smaller mental roadblocks. While I've never allowed myself to be a "fan" of the show before (too embarrassed and fearful people would make fun of me for liking it), this time around, I decided that if watching the show would help my efforts in any way, then it would be worth any negativity I might be shown. As I keep telling myself... "I'll be laughing last when I reach my goals." Whatever it takes... Biggest Loser, fumbling through workout classes or even doing some classic Richard Simmons vhs tapes from the late 80s/early 90s. Yeah, not exactly what I want to be seen doing, but, if it helps me reach my goals, then why not?
Anyway, back on topic... The reason I bring up Biggest Loser is that this past week (episode 12 from 3/22/11) showed three lucky team members getting to talk to their loved ones back home via laptop (Skype or other such online call service). One of these conversations (Olivia with her hubby) struck home at a most opportune time. (Forward to the 11:30 mark to hear the conversation.)
Olivia describes what I'm feeling perfectly. I've hit a wall... no... THE wall! The wall that looms up like a dark fortress with a huge "Do Not Enter" sign right in the center. It seems to stretch for miles in every direction and feels impenetrable. This is the wall that is "just too hard" to break, so we give up.
Not. This. Time.
Olivia, with the love and support of her family, friends, teammates, trainers and, most importantly, herself, is going to stand up, look the wall in the eye and find her way through it. She's focused her mind onto one clear task... Break through the wall. No matter what.
Now... It's my turn.
I have the tools. I have the knowledge. I have the motivation. Now, I need to do the work. I'm going to need help, but I'm ready to reach out and find it. I have spoken with my family and they have agreed on how important this is to me, for me. With their love and support (and a little help from a tax refund), I will be returning to my Weight Watchers meeting this week. I may start attending a second one later in the week to keep my resolve and accountability strong. I will also be signing up for some personal training sessions through the Y to kick my workouts up a notch. (I'll definitely blog about this when I know more.) To break through this wall, I need to pull out all the stops and I know adding these resources into the mix will help a ton!
I'm also pondering a rewards system; not for weight lost, but for tracking (either WW Pts+ or calories), exercising/activity, making good choices at difficult times (dinners out, parties, special events, etc) and hitting all of my Good Health Guidelines each day. The rewards would be simple... time online (as I'm a bit of a Facebook addict), time to sit and watch TV, time to play computer games, etc. Seems a bit childish, I know, but I also know how many hours I waste sitting on my rear doing nothing; my mind getting bored, my body tired and then I eat, I don't workout, I don't get much accomplished. Then I feel horrible and the cycle starts all over again.
I need to break the cycle to break through the wall.
I need to break the cycle to give myself the best chance of never having to go through this journey again.
I have a lot of work ahead of me and I feel like I'm scraping the bottom of the motivation/strength barrel to start. I want this week to be the beginning of a new chapter in this journey and I'm hoping to find a way to make it happen. My son's on Spring Break, so it's not going to be easy (no "me" time). Wish me luck. :)
Goals this week...
- track food every day
- 8c of water consumed each day
- 5 servings of fruit and veggies each day
- Exercise/activity for 30min each day
- Write up reward list(s)
- Weigh-in and post on blog
Wow... Here I am again at 224; a milestone weight... a benchmark. If you haven't read my post from last August regarding hitting 224, check it out here. Up until last Aug, I hadn't been 224 in 10 years. That's a long time! The first time, losing weight was a positive benefit to a traumatic time in my life. It was completely unintentional, but I've always remembered being that weight; the feeling of my formerly-tight size 26 pants falling down, being able to fit into clothes that didn't make me feel like I was wearing a tent... Above all others, I remember the feeling of hope that I would one day see my weight start with a 1 and not a 2. But, as it wasn't deliberate and I didn't make any lasting changes to my life, the weight came back and I was, once again, fat.
In May 2009, those size 26s were... again... tight, but this time I chose to change my life! This time, I was going to fight for as long as it took and I was going to win. For my life, for my health, for my family, for myself... I had to change my life.
I had no idea how this journey would go; the psychological aspect, the emotional rollercoaster, the constant re-committing myself to making these changes first, last, and always. It's been a crazy ride!
Fast forward to August 2010. I'm about to leave for a long-awaited vacation with the hubby, but I have one last weigh-in at my Weight Watchers meeting. The number comes up... 224.8. Wow... I think I nearly cried. Yeah, I misted up a bit. 10 long years since I've seen that number come up on the scale. Ten... years... So many years... So many changes... This time, though, I earned it.
Then my world was rocked in a negative way. Our financial situation fell through the floor. I had to drop Weight Watchers. I lost my momentum, my main support, my crutch. I tried to make good choices, but I was inconsistent. I tried to go work out, but I disliked the gym I ended up at and then I had to leave that. I became very depressed and went back to self-medicating with food. That added guilt and anger to the mix which didn't help at all. As it has been described to me, it was a cluster-f**k. Yeah... not good.
By the time 2011 started, I knew I had to pull myself together. There was no other option in my mind. I couldn't give up. Period. So, on Jan. 1st, I started to track. I started to go to my local YMCA (thanks to my wonderful Mother-in-law for the membership!!) I started to pull myself out of the hole. It wasn't a perfect journey. I stumbled a lot. A whole lot. I hit bottom in January when I went on a binge. This was deliberate. I made the decisions, the choices even though I felt totally out of control. I left my WW meeting (after gaining for the 3rd week in a row), went directly to McDonald's and ordered 2 full breakfasts. I ate them in the car. Then I went to the grocery store. While shopping, I picked up 3 of the most decadent donuts I could find. 2 of them never made it home. (The third was finished off at home later.) This brought me to tears and I found myself back at WW. The time to do this had been so short that my leader was still there (we were the last meeting of the day). She saw me, hugged me and brought me inside. All I can say is that she saved me that day. Thanks to her and that day, I've found the strength and focus I've needed to get back to 224. (To read the whole story, click here and here.)
Since then, I have been making lots of changes to my diet, to my lifestyle, to my life in general. I am more motivated than ever to see those numbers on the scale be what I want them to be, to feel my body be able to move the way I want it to move and to know that I'm setting a good example for my family, especially my son. Even though I have had to leave WW again, I have set myself up at My Fitness Pal. I'm tracking calories in & calories out. I'm making good choices. I'm pushing myself in my exercises. I'm reaching out to any and all support resources. This time, I'm putting my health and my goals higher up on the priority list. I want to succeed. I need to succeed. I am going to succeed. I am succeeding!
I will become the person I want to be!
So, here I am again. This time, I don't feel like I've reached goal. This time, I will see my skinny jeans as the jeans I'm going to look back at as my fat pants. This time, I'm thisclose to reaching One-der-land. I can do this. I must put forth effort. I must step out of my comfort zone and reach for that brass ring. Reaching goal is no longer a dream. It's a reality as long as I work towards it.
How crazy the last several weeks have been! Far too much to write about (and some too personal). Needless to say, surreal would be a good description. Rollercoaster is another. Some was under my control; much was not. Many were positive; a few were negative; the rest remains to be seen.
Old friends and loved ones have returned to my life and new ones have been added (especially my 2 new kittens!). Our foster kitty has returned to her family and I have stopped taking some medication that has been causing some difficult side-effects. [ Don't worry, the meds weren't anything I had to take. I'm fine. :) ]
I have been slowly clearing out many of my ol' "standbys"; foods that I have relied upon in the past that have artificial sweeteners or other chemicals. I've also been weaning myself off of most high sugar / high simple carb items and have lowered my intake level on the few I'm keeping in my diet (like honey in my tea). This means that my morning coffee has become a thing of the past. No artificial flavored creamer; no coffee. Strangely enough, I don't miss it much. I have a slice of multigrain toast with some natural almond butter and berries, my chai tea with a little honey and unsweetened almond milk (another change) for a quick breakfast before my workout, then a small protein-heavy snack immediately afterwards. Its a satisfying way to start the day.
Unfortunately, there is one change that I'm not very happy about... Many of you know that my family has struggled with financial difficulties over the last year which caused me to leave Weight Watchers last August. As of the beginning of March, I have been forced to once again leave Weight Watchers until our financial situation improves. But, this time, unlike my multi-month lapse last autumn, I have set myself up for continued success! I have started using My Fitness Pal, a free online site similar to eTools or Sparkpeople. The main difference is that MFP is calorie-based: calories in (eating) vs calories out (exercise). You track your food; the system counts your calories, fat, carbs and protein. It gives you a calorie limit for the day based on your activity level and how much weight you want to lose each week (up to 2lbs). You get more calories to spend if you work out/get activity in. Pretty simple, eh?
MFP also offers an online community, so if you have questions, need advice or support, there are folks out there who can help. For me, it's not as good as going to WW meetings, but for now, I'm grateful. I hope to make it to WW for a meeting and weigh-in about once a month (more if possible), but we'll see.
Oh, I've also come to realize that I need a good scale; one that is easy to read (prefer a digital readout), accurate and reasonably priced. Any suggestions or recommendations?
The clock on the wall reminds me that it's very late, so I'll end here. I hope to blog more often as this new part of my journey continues. Until then, my dear readers... May all of your goals be reached! :)
For being the day after Valentine's Day (triple chocolate cake & fresh bread included, but NO candies!), I'm pretty happy with the result. My only real goal this month (with V-Day, my birthday, a few friends' birthdays and the start of the Easter candy sales) is to not gain. Any losses I can achieve are... dare I say... icing on the cake? ;)
I'm so sorry I haven't updated sooner. I've been working on a blog post that has turned out to be more difficult than I expected. It involves my realization and acceptance (in progress) of being a food addict. Over the last month or so, I've finally started to admit to myself that I am a food addict and that I will be battling this for the rest of my life. Not an easy topic for me. I've found myself easily distracted and far too willing to put off completing it many times over the last week; a sure sign (to me) of its sensitive nature. It strikes at the core of why I eat the way I do, why I have allowed myself to get this heavy... this miserable... and why I will never be fully free of my "battle of the bulge & binge". I hope to post it within a few days as I'm determined to face this very vulnerable spot within and get it out on "paper". To see it is to face it is to start the process of recovery. If I am to live a healthier life, I need to work both on the cause as well as the symptoms.
Until then, Here is my current weigh in from my Tuesday night Weight Watchers meeting. I'm feeling good about the direction I'm moving in. Now to keep it going...
With a blizzard on its way into my area, I went to Weight Watchers a day early. I wanted to be sure I had a proper weigh-in and catch this week's meeting. I've come to accept how incredibly important it is to my continued success to get in every week (no matter what). Here are my results which, I must mention, I'm happy with. Why? After last week's dramatic loss, I assumed that I would show a gain this week. I just wanted it to be small. 0.8lbs is fantastic considering I was expecting at least 1.5 - 2lbs. I'll take this.
Hope your week is going well! I'll be back again soon... as soon as I shovel my way through the snow drifts...
I have to apologize. I promised a new blog post days ago, before this week became crazy. And since I keep my promises, here I am! You forgive me, right? Yes? Good! :)
Last week (and this week so far) has been absolutely wonderful! It's been months since I've felt this good, this comfortable about my food choices and work towards my weight loss/gaining health goals. I've had a lot of support and encouragement lately, which is always appreciated, especially from some folks who know exactly what I'm going through. You guys have been great! Thank you!
Have you ever noticed how inspiring and motivating support can be when you're in a positive head space than when you're wallowing in negativity? That happens to me a lot. I'll be really depressed and the encouragement feels more like a reminder of failure or a slap in the face. When I'm feeling better, when my head's in the game a bit more, then the positive words I hear resonate with me and help motivate me even more. Do any of you have this issue? Does this journey ever feel like an unforgiving rollercoaster sometimes? I know it does for me.
So, mentally, I've been very positive lately. Physically, I've been battling a nasty respiratory infection that just won't let go. It's fighting me every step of the way, though (as of Friday) I'm starting to feel like my "normal" self again. As of today, I'm still clearing out the last vestiges of its grip on my lungs, just in time for my stress test tomorrow. I may even try a workout today, though I know it won't be easy. I've been out of commission for nearly 2 weeks now, so it's about regaining some ground first, then back into a full-on exercise schedule. Still, I know it'll feel good to sweat again even if it means a gain on the scale.
Going back to some of the support I've been receiving lately... If you read about my binge and break-down a couple of weeks ago, you know that one big source of support has been my Weight Watchers leader and meeting members. I've returned to my usual Tuesday night meeting and I know that was an important and positive change for me. A number of the regulars have been with me since I started, so they know what I've been through and encourage me every step of the way. This week, I had an amazing moment with a wonderful Lifetimer. She lost close to 100lbs and has kept it off for years now. She is at the meeting every Tuesday and is a wonderful source of ideas and inspiration. I sat next to her this week and she told me that she was glad I was back on Tuesdays, that I had been missed and that I... *I* was inspiring to her. To HER! Can you say flabbergasted?! I was speechless. I didn't know what to say. Here is an amazing lady that I look at every week, saying to myself that if she could do it, I can too. She is my example, my vision of success every week and she called me an inspiration. Just wow...
Another source has been a couple of my blog/twitter friends; Kenz at All the Weigh (@alltheweigh) and Brad Gansberg at Brad Gansberg's Thoughts On... (@bradgansberg). They've sent me some tweets to keep my spirits up when I was down and cheered me on when I was successful. Even more motivational was achieving a goal I had wanted to for several weeks; my 7 Day Chip! If you haven't heard of this, here's Brad's explanation. Basically, it's making choices and following though on those choices for 7 days in a row. For me, those choices included: no binges, tracking, and feeling confident in those choices. Last Monday, I had stuck to those choices for 7 complete days, earning my 7 Day Chip. Tomorrow will be 14 days completed and nearly halfway to achieving my 30 Day Chip. I can't wait!
Even though I was sick, I've been back on a healthy track (sans exercise) for nearly two weeks now and I can say I'm feeling very good about it. I was even able to make it through last night's Italian Pasta Night with my friends without starving, binging, or feeling guilty. I chose sensible portions, enjoyed a few (small) glasses of wine, even had some tiramisu for dessert. Unlike the hubby, I ended the meal feeling satisfied, but not stuffed to the gills. It was a wonderful time for all of us and we have plans to do it again next month (mexican night) to help celebrate two birthdays (one being mine. Yay!) It reminded me that I'm not on a "diet", but just changing my life for the better.
Weigh-in this week may or may not happen on Tuesday as the weathermen here in northern Illinois are predicting snow on Monday leading to blizzard-like conditions for Tuesday and Wednesday. I may go to WW tomorrow to make sure I can get this week's meeting and an official weigh-in in for the week. I'm not too concerned about the number on the scale. After last week's crazy 6.8lb loss, I wouldn't be surprised if my body freaks out a little and I show a gain. I'm just hoping the gain is small.
Tomorrow is also the deadline for My Goal #1. I never defined my monthly goals out loud as they're determined on a month-by-month basis depending on what would be best to help me continue finding success. This month's goal (in my mind) was to show a net loss for the month. No specific number. Just a loss for January. I feel that this is going to happen though Tuesday's/tomorrow's weigh-in will determine how much of a loss. I think next month's goal will be similar unless I have other difficulties along the way.
Overall, a great two weeks and I am optimistic for the coming week as well. Even if I get buried under a mountain of snow, I have my 30 Day Shred and Super Strength dvds at the ready. My hand weights, yoga mat, resistance band, and clean exercise clothes leave me no excuses. Even if the power goes out, I have stairs that I can use. No excuses!
Have a great week everyone! If you don't hear from me in the next few days, send in an arctic extraction team armed with plenty of tiramisu and Ben & Jerry's. Oh, and pizza. My little guy requests pizza... Extra cheese...
Today was Weigh In Day at my Weight Watchers meeting and boy oh boy, what a difference a week can make! So many good things! I wish I had more time right now to blog them, but unfortunately, I have to get to sleep. I will post very, very soon though!
Hey everyone! Just wanted to drop by for a moment and do a little Happy Snoopy Dance. Why? Because I've been tracking like a fiend for the last several days, making great food choices, and feeling pretty dang good over all. Yay me! (finally!)
Well, it has from a "I'm-trying-to-lose-weight-and-be-healthier" kind of way. My sinuses would disagree as my little guy's cold had embedded itself within them and has made working out very difficult. No fever (thank God!!) but still hard to do any kind of bends or faster movements when your head feels like it's filled with cement. I did get some light swimming in today with the hubby and little guy. 40min just moving gently in the warm pool felt really good! Made me wish I could jump on the elliptical or push myself with some weights, jump and kick in class or dig into some laps in the pool. Soon...
I did have a motivating moment today (besides the pool). I was at the doctor's office to follow up on some tests I had done recently and, as they usually do, the nurse weighed me. Now, my official weigh-ins are on Tuesdays at my Weight Watchers meeting, so I'm not changing my tickers or anything. But, it definitely felt good to see a number in progress. Since I had mentioned that I have been trying to lose weight, she was kind enough to take a few minutes and really try to get an accurate reading for me (Can we say awesome nurse?!). She weighed me in at 230lbs. YAY!! That's over 4.5lbs less than last Tuesday's weigh-in!! Again, it's not an official WW weigh-in and it's only halfway through my Tues-Mon week. But, even with some water retention and whatnot, as long as I stick to my tracking, good choices, and getting some kind of activity in over the next few days, I feel like I'm on track for an official weigh-in loss.
*happy dance*
My biggest challenge is tomorrow (Saturday) night when we host an Italian-themed Engagement dinner for some friends. 9 adults and 4 little ones with a spread of lasagna, shrimp alfredo, garlic bread, salad, tiramisu and spumoni. Probably some wine as well.
Yeah, I know. Sounds heavenly, doesn't it? All homemade and almost none of it low-fat. *drool*
I've been saving my weekly points for this. But, even with those available to me, I still have a Points+ - lite breakfast planned, some filling and healthy ideas for a light lunch, and a plan of attack for the evening's festivities. I am not going into this dinner without a strategy! Not a chance! I've worked too hard to just throw my week out the window. I will choose carefully and track as best as I can everything I eat. I know I'll be earning some activity points just from running around cleaning beforehand (I have a two-story house, so lots of up and down stairs.) I will enjoy what I eat, the good company, and remember that this is just another part of my life to have fun with. It's gonna be a good time! :)
Hope you have a fabulous weekend too! See you next week!
I know! Two blog posts in one day! Crazy! But I just had to share this...
The ever-fabulous Kenlie at All The Weigh has just issued a challenge and I'm taking her up on it!
The Family and Friends Getting Fit Challenge starts on Monday, January 24th (that's this coming Monday, y'all) and lasts 5 weeks. Long enough to make a difference; short enough to be an achievable goal. Check out the link above to get all of the details.
For me, this is a perfect challenge at a perfect time. Five weeks will give me the time I need to sort out some of my current weight loss dilemmas and help me get back on the path of success. A time-frame to clean house, work out the bugs, and start showing some losses on the scale. I'm excited!!
So if you're feeling like you need a little kick in the rear to get 2011 going, then join us in this fast and fabulous challenge! We can do it!
2 Gordon's Garlic & Herb Breaded Fish Fillets (6 Pts+) plus 1 1/2c Curly Fries (?? Pts+) and 1T Ketchup (0 Pts+)
This may not seem horrific except that this was after I had eaten (in a healthy manner) all of my daily points. This was after I should have finished for the day.
After Sunday's binge (and Saturday's bad choices), I have no Weekly Points left, so I'm now... once again... running at a deficit. I'm not even sure exactly how much of a deficit. I just know that something... some things... are just not working and that if I don't 1) figure out what and 2) fix it soon that I'll continue this negative streak. That thought does not sit well. So, I'm going to examine this situation as objectively as possible, go over what's worked for me in the past, see what's changed since then, and make some additional changes.
Possible areas for change #1: Day of the week I start (and end) my tracking. I used to track Tuesday thru Monday. I liked this as the weekend fell in the middle of my week, making it easier to spread out my points. Since the beginning of 2011, I've tracked Saturday thru Friday. I think this may be one of the larger problems as I seem to be eating to the point of binging over the weekend, leaving nothing (or even a deficit) for the week. By Friday (date night), I have nothing extra, a bunch of negative emotions built up, and no chance to recover by Weigh In.
Yeah, I think this point needs to change! It's an easy change to make and I know I was successful before, so why not?
Possible areas for change #2: Tuesday Night Weigh Ins: Again, having a group of folks who have seen you every week is part of the support that I knew I needed when I started. The same leader who gets to know you, helps you, works with you... Lately, I've been bouncing around between various meetings. While I've heard the same information as everyone else, I've been with groups of people who don't know me, don't know what I've struggled with... and leaders who are wonderful, but it's not the same as my regular meeting leader. She knows me well and that knowledge can make all the difference.
Her name's Denise. She runs meetings on Sundays and Tuesday evenings. This week, I went to her Sunday meeting. I was desperate for a good WI (good = loss of any kind) and found out I was up a full pound. It was awful. I was very upset. Even the receptionist that was weighing me in was worried about me. She tried to get me to stay after the meeting was over, but I was barely able to sit through the meeting. I just wanted to run away, but the neighbor who had helped get me to WW in the first place happened to be there. I felt obligated to stay (thank goodness). After the meeting, I went on a mini (and damaging) binge. But, after I finished the last doughnut, I did something positive. I went back to the WW office to see if Denise was still there. She was. As soon as she saw me, tearing up in the street, she brought me back into the office and we talked. She looked over my tracker and Weigh In record. She pointed out some positives and helped me face the choices that had led me to gain the pound. She calmed me, gave me perspective, and let me know that she's there to support me no matter what.
This is why I went to Weight Watchers in the first place. For the support. I know I can't do this alone and with Denise and the rest of the WW crew, I don't need to. Thanks ladies! :)
So, I will continue to search out ways to help me be successful and I will continue to blog both my good days and bad days. I will use everything at my disposal to reach my goals. Life isn't going to stop, so I'll continue to navigate my way through the hurdles and roadblocks. I'm not giving up!
My blog friend, Stephen Vinson over at Who Ate My Blog sent out a tweet earlier that reminded me of this and, considering what I've been doing lately, I know I needed the reminder...
Today is a new day and a chance to make my next choice a healthy one. I'd say wish me luck, but it's not luck that'll get me there. Just send some positive vibes my way. I'll do the rest. :)
Weighed in today at my Weight Watchers meeting. Went up a full pound. I forced myself to sit through the meeting when all I wanted to do was go sit in my car and cry. After the meeting, I had that cry, then headed to the nearest McDonalds and ate. A lot. I then headed to my local grocery store to pick up some healthy basics. I ended up including 3 very fattening doughnuts in my bag. Yeah, those didn't survive either.
In the spirit of honesty and getting past this momentary setback, I'm going to lay out my binge here:
McDonalds: Bacon, Egg and Cheese Biscuit, Hash Brown, Fruit & Maple Oatmeal, small Orange juice
Grocery Store: Chocolate Glazed Yeast Doughnut, Apple Fritter, Cinnamon Roll with Coconut Pecan Frosting (German Chocolate cake topping)
My other choices today have been healthy, but the damage has already been done. Tomorrow morning, I will pick myself back up, head to the gym (bright and early) and have a session with a personal trainer. I will let this negative mood go and return to working (in a positive manner) towards my goals. I know that as long as I believe I can do this, I will succeed!
Wow, can you believe January is already half over?! Christmas seems like a dream long past and any New Year's antics are in the history books. Resolutions? Once seeming fresh and new may now be just broken bits of failure lingering in the corners of your mind.
I hope not.
I hope everyone who decided that this was the year they were going to change their life in a healthy way are still going strong. Unfortunately, many have already given up, deciding they just can't do it, just can't make it work. Their list of excuses is long and familiar... No time to workout, no money for exercise equipment/gym membership, can't make healthy meals because the family won't like/eat them...
no, no, no... can't, can't, can't...
I know these well and so many more. For 25 years (starting in my teens), every year I swore "This year's gonna be different!" I talked, I planned, I shopped, I signed... I did everything but make a 100% commitment and put the work and effort into making the change happen. So, nothing happened. I felt like I had failed... again... and then left the pieces in the corners of my mind until the holidays rolled around. Then the guilt would start, the "If I had only done something earlier in the year. If only I hadn't given up. If only..." Soon, New Year's would be upon me and the cycle would start all over again.
Year after year... failure after failure...
So what happened in 2009 that broke me out of this vicious cycle? To be honest, I'm not sure. Best guess? I think becoming a mom was a large part of it. Here I was with a very active 1 1/2 year old who's favorite activity was to run. I couldn't run. I had no energy, every joint hurt and I lacked any kind of lung capacity. I was a blob of person who couldn't find a way to play with her son. I hated that with a passion! It led me to examine what had worked (in terms of losing weight) in the past for me and what hadn't. I began to see that my "failures" were actually lessons to learn from. So, what did I need to be successful?
In the end, I decided to give an organized program a try; not because I felt you can't lose weight without one, but I knew that I needed the support of a group, of a leader, and the accountability that comes with a plan. But, I didn't want to live off of prepackaged meals or restrictive food plans. I wanted the responsibility of learning how to live a healthy lifestyle, so that when I had lost the weight, I'd be prepared to continue living my life in a healthy way. I needed the framework, but it was up to me to make the commitment, put in the time and effort, and to stay accountable to those that were there to help me.
So, I went to my first Weight Watchers meeting in May 2009. I found my framework. I found my groups and leaders to be accountable to, and I made the commitment to never give up on myself. No matter what.
Now it's halfway through January 2011 and, after many slips, many difficult stretches of times, I am still here; still committed to finding my way to a healthier lifestyle. I have branched out into blogging, finding many others who are on their own journeys, supporting, laughing, crying together. I have found a comfortable and supportive gym (my local YMCA) and have been taking full advantage of their programs and facilities. I've even rediscovered my joy of swimming there! I'm finding out that healthy eating doesn't mean tiny portions or being restrictive. I can eat anything I want. I just need to be mindful in my eating and do so in moderation.
Most important, I know... I believe... that I can do this! I have never been so sure of this in my whole life. Having that belief carries me through the "I don't wanna..." "I don't feel like it..." "I wanna (do something unhealthy)" and let's me know that even when I get off-track that it's ok. I'm worth the time, the effort, the struggle and that, while there's no starting over, there's always another opportunity to make the next choice a healthy one.
I hope your 2011 is going well... your resolutions going strong... your faith in yourself never wavering... one choice at a time!
I'm in the process of making some changes around my home by doing some much needed cleaning. Whew! One of the stacks of dusty bits I'm especially emotional about letting go is my exercise video collection. I can almost track my adult life through these tapes.
Yes, I said tapes. I know... I'm showing my age. I even remember receiving music records when I was in middle school. Ha! Anyway...
When my family and I moved two years ago, I cleared out a few videos I hadn't used in years and donated them. These were the ones I purchased on a whim, took a look-see or two and decided they weren't for me. I didn't feel any loss when they left my possession. But the ones I have left... the ones I haven't been able to part with... Yeah, this is going to be tough.
It doesn't seem that letting go of some old, dust-covered shelf clutter should be so difficult, but these tapes tell a story. They tell of a dream I have had for myself for a long time (and still have). That dream? Me; fit, healthy, and confident. Letting go of these videos is like letting go of a piece of myself. But... which part?
On one side, these represent my hope, my determination, my desire to beat the negative thoughts bogging down my efforts and find success at last. This is that fire, that positive drive you feel when you're ready for real change. It's what gets you off the couch, into a pair of comfy sneakers, leaving the package of cookies in the back of the cupboard, and sweating until your arms drop off and you can't stand up. This side is the "I can do this!" side of my journey.
On the other hand, they also represent years of what I used to consider failure. Hundreds of dollars spent trying to find that “magic bullet”, that one tape... one diet... one pill... that would make losing weight easy. Heck, maybe even fun. But they didn't. They couldn't. I know that now. Still, it took years of buying tape after tape after dvd for me to figure that out... years to accept it... years to believe that the product didn't matter. My choices mattered, especially my choice to just move, no matter what form that took and the consequences of not moving... not choosing healthier foods over sugar and fat-laden impulses... chowing down on mass quantities. Years of listening to every negative emotional thought or word spoken to me. Years of not believing I was worth the time or effort. This side represents the "You can't do it!" side of my journey.
I'm still going to hang on to a few select videos; those that I feel are still useful to have around. I have my yoga set, my hour-long aerobics video with the great crunches section, my resistance band workout, and a few area-specific workouts (arms, glutes, abs) that an old friend of mine made me copies of. I'm also adding a few new dvds to the mix; ones that I'm already starting to form love-hate relationships with: Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred and Bob Harper's Inside Out Method Super Strength training. Both of these are where I aspire to be fitness-wise. Both of these are (for the moment) downright scary to me. Still, I'm sure that one day I'll look back on these with the same affection that I feel for my old videos. Right now, Bob and Jillian are frightening! But that's not going to stop me from using getting the most I can out of them.
I am reminded of a song I learned in Girl Scouts when I was a much younger girl...
Make new friends, but keep the old;
One is silver and the other's gold.
My fitness videos are my “friends”, no matter where on my journey I may be. May I always be surrounded by good ones. :)
Today, I weighed in at my Monday evening Weight Watchers meeting. Needless to say, the results were frustrating as I have tracked every day since Jan. 1st and dragged myself to the gym several times. I dunno... I'm just frustrated with the roller coaster that seems to be my weight loss journey. I understand that there will be times of gain due to water retention, my menstrual cycle, those off-days, etc., but I can't seem to lose with any kind of regularity no matter what my efforts are. Up, then down, then up for two weeks, then down... I ended 2010 with a small net gain, but it feels like I wasted a whole year. If I lost on a regular basis with the occasional gain, I think I'd feel better... like I'm making progress. Right now, I don't feel like that at all and that's not good for an emotional eater like me. Not at all. I'll try to resist the best I can, but it hurts. It hurts a lot.
I also know this pain comes from a few different places, not just the weight gain. I have received some very bad news (on top of having a really crappy day today) in addition to many of the same problems my family and I have been having for several months now. The gains only make the negative emotions worse.
Sorry this is such a downer post. I have a number of more upbeat ones I haven't posted yet. This is just my life at this moment. I'll try to cheer things up soon if for no other reason than I won't let this mountain of negative yuckiness break me. Nope, not gonna let it.
While I normally go to a Tuesday evening Weight Watchers meeting , this week I decided to go tonight. I think know I was anxious to see where I stood numbers-wise after the last few weeks of holiday cookie binging. Although I've only been back on plan for a few days, I needed some hard numbers for my tickers (on the left), my goal and motivation printouts, and for the Biggest Loser Pound-for-Pound Challenge I signed up for (more on that in a bit). So, here's the skinny...
So this is where I stand at the beginning of 2011 and boy, am I ready to change those numbers! If you look over my blog, you'll notice the tickers I've added. The top ticker shows my main goal for the next several months; to reach 199lbs by June. This is a huge goal for me! A weight I haven't seen in nearly 20 years! I don't remember what it looked or felt like to be under 200lbs, so this is gonna be a real challenge, one I know I can reach.
The second ticker shows the overall amount of weight I've lost. My end goal weight is 145lbs, so I have a grand total of 117lbs to lose (from 262 to 145). This allows me to remind myself that no matter how large of a number 117 seems that I'm making progress and WILL get there.
Now, about the Biggest Loser Pound-for-Pound Challenge... This challenge is very much like the Weight Watchers Lose For Good Campaign in the autumn. For every pound lost between now and May 31st, the PFP Challenge will donate money to Feeding America which will in turn donate one pound of food to your local food bank. So, I lose weight (I've pledged 20lbs) = I feed people in need in my community. Sounds like a good deal to me!
If you'd like to join me in this win-win challenge, click here. It's free, quick and easy! Pledge however many pounds you're comfortable with losing and all of your efforts will benefit your local community. You don't even have to be a fan of The Biggest Loser.
Motivations and goals seem to be pouring out of my ears! Now I need to remind myself every day of all the reasons to stay on track, to drag myself to the gym, to say "No thank you" to that extra cookie. It won't be easy. I just need to take it one day at a time... and today was a good day. :)
Wow... 2011... No flying cars yet, but that's ok. I'd hate to see the insurance bill on those. Yikes! But, as I was saying... 2011... First post. I suppose it should in insightful, witty, and generally positive. Hmmm...
As I sit here at my desk, listening to a great mix on Pandora (My "Black Eyed Peas - I Gotta Feeling" station), reflecting on the past year and the changes it brought, I can't help but be a little proud of myself for simply not giving up. While there were several long periods of time where healthy eating, tracking, and exercise didn't quite work out, I'm still here... picking up where I left off... once again committing myself to making the changes needed to be successful on this path. This isn't 'starting over'. This is just the next chapter in my life story. As we would say as kids on the playground, "No do-overs!"
I've started tracking again in my Weight Watchers tracker. Boy, having to relearn Points values isn't fun, but it's part of the effort to be healthier. This led to yesterday's success. I can finally say for the first time in weeks that I didn't give into my near-overwhelming urge to binge of leftover Xmas cookies. I did eat one large Ms. Fields cookie (I blame the hubby for this), but only one. Yay me! Progress feels good!
You may have noticed the changes to the blog; the modified "About Me" page as well as the added pages with my progress pics and my goals for the year (and overall) listed in black and white. I've been inspired lately by many of the bloggers I follow to make these changes and I feel that having my pics and goals right there in my face will help me be more accountable, remind me of my successes, and let me know how close I am to goal... that yes, I can do it!
As my last post stated, I've decided to start the year with great ambition; the goal of losing 40lbs by the end of June. I'm gonna clarify and make this a more specific goal (the one I had in mind when I made the original post); I'm going to lose enough weight to reach 199lbs by the end of June. I'll need to lose approximately 30-35lbs. (I'll know exactly how much after my WW Weigh-In on Tuesday). Why do I want to push myself to lose this much weight? Put simply... because I know I can. I know what I need to do when it comes to food and exercise. I firmly believe that it's an achievable goal; one that can be reached in a healthy manner. What will trip me up from making this goal? Me. If I don't reach this goal, I'll only have myself to blame. Well, blame is not the right word. Blame gets you nowhere (one of the most important lessons I've learned in the past year.) Ok, better way to put it... if I don't reach my 40lb lost goal, it'll be because of my choices and no one else's. I will make or break this goal by my choices alone... unless I'm forced to eat every cookie at the local Ms. Field's, washed down by several Steak-N-Shake milkshakes, to save a preschool from a mad bomber... or something heroic like that... Yeah, I'll sacrifice my goal for that. Gotta do it for the children! Anyway...
Today, I'm adding one more page and my hope is that it'll help me even more. I'm adding a 'Tracking & Exercise' page which will help keep me accountable for days I've tracked my food and how many minutes of exercise I've completed each week. I'm more than nervous to add this as I have a hard enough time tracking in my own tracker, but I'm gonna give it a shot. If it doesn't work out, I'll take it down. But, this year, I'm pulling out the stops to make success the rule and not the exception. I'm printing out pages of goals and motivations to hang around my home, adding pages on the blog, working up a rewards system (in progress)... Whew!
Really, I'm tired of saying I'm on Weight Watchers, that I'm working towards losing weight, then never showing any progress because I let my urge for 'instant gratification' get in the way. Unless I haven't eaten in three days, I don't need 10 cookies. Nor do I need to mindlessly eat them while distracted by the TV. If I want one, I just need to work it into my daily/weekly points. Good choices. That's what it's all about.
I'm excited about 2011!! I'm looking forward to my weekly meetings and weigh-ins. I can't wait to show up at my little brother's college graduation in a new, smaller dress. I know I'll feel more confident at my (thin) cousin's wedding and feel good about having my picture taken with her. Maybe I'll even think about wearing a creative (and sexy) Halloween costumes this year instead of trying to find something that covers my "wobbly bits". I'm thinking Medusa in a strapless armored breastplate...
No matter what happens, I will keep my eyes on the prize (healthy body, mind, soul) and never, ever give up! I'm worth it!
Here's to a healthy, happy, safe and successful 2011!! Let's get this party started!
