There and Back Again... A "Dieter's" Journey

The last few weeks have been a rollercoaster with me sabotaging myself every step of the way. At this point in my life, I can't use the excuse "But, it's that time of the month" or "But my child is sick" anymore. I know too much about how this weight loss game works (not everything, but enough) to let any cravings or mood swings get in my way. Sowwy, Charlie. No-go.

I avoided posting a weigh-in (home-based) the last week or so because of one simple reason: I gained. How much was fluid retention and how much was damage from my "Oh, what the hell..." attitude in terms of my food choices lately I don't know. All I do know is that I'm up on the scale and the guilt+frustration+giving in+lack of effort = vicious cycle of bad food choices+larger portions+weight gain which fuels the cycle all over again.

Hello. My name is Heather and I am a food addict.

That's actually a little difficult to say as I never thought of myself as an addict... at least not until recently. Well, the thought was there in the recesses of my mind, bouncing around like a tennis ball. On occasion, it would roll itself into the front of my consciousness and I would take a good, hard swing at it, sending it back into the shadows. It's not that I didn't believe that food could be an addiction or that I couldn't possibly be an addict myself. It was more along the lines of I didn't want to see myself as an addict. To be an addict means to be out of control, unable to help yourself, needing the assistance of others in a big way and a life-long battle to keep the addiction under control.

I'm so incredibly tired of fighting. I constantly see my life as a war with battles on many fronts. After so many years, battle fatigue has set in in the worst way and facing one more, near overwhelming, fight that will last the rest of my life is not something I ever wanted to deal with. I have enough going on (especially on the emotional front) that I don't need anything else; no more pain, stress or sacrifice, thank you.

But... no matter how much I stuff my face... no matter how much I try to eat and drink my negative emotions away... my stress, my exhaustion, my faults, my lack of self-esteem or confidence, my jealousies, my inner pains... I can't give up on myself. Not anymore; not since I started this journey two years ago. I can't let go of that spark, that tiny voice that speaks two very glaring truths: I Can Do It and I Am Worth It.

It took me 30 years to figure those small, yet vital pieces of information out. Thirty years to believe them completely. Two years ago, I decided to apply them to losing weight and gaining the healthy body/mind/spirit I've always wanted. I've never looked back. I may have cursed the knowledge from time to time (ignorance is bliss??), but have never regretted or given up on this. Not that it's made the struggle any easier...

If you read my last post, you know that I have been unable to push myself past the 220's. Ever. This is where I stumble and fall. This is where I give up. This is where I fail.

Not. This. Time.

I haven't talked about it much, but I have been glued to the current season of The Biggest Loser. This has been an important key in keeping my resolve (even in its smallest form) alive as well as finding new motivations and getting past smaller mental roadblocks. While I've never allowed myself to be a "fan" of the show before (too embarrassed and fearful people would make fun of me for liking it), this time around, I decided that if watching the show would help my efforts in any way, then it would be worth any negativity I might be shown. As I keep telling myself... "I'll be laughing last when I reach my goals." Whatever it takes... Biggest Loser, fumbling through workout classes or even doing some classic Richard Simmons vhs tapes from the late 80s/early 90s. Yeah, not exactly what I want to be seen doing, but, if it helps me reach my goals, then why not?

Anyway, back on topic... The reason I bring up Biggest Loser is that this past week (episode 12 from 3/22/11) showed three lucky team members getting to talk to their loved ones back home via laptop (Skype or other such online call service). One of these conversations (Olivia with her hubby) struck home at a most opportune time. (Forward to the 11:30 mark to hear the conversation.)





Olivia describes what I'm feeling perfectly. I've hit a wall... no... THE wall! The wall that looms up like a dark fortress with a huge "Do Not Enter" sign right in the center. It seems to stretch for miles in every direction and feels impenetrable. This is the wall that is "just too hard" to break, so we give up.

Not. This. Time.

Olivia, with the love and support of her family, friends, teammates, trainers and, most importantly, herself, is going to stand up, look the wall in the eye and find her way through it. She's focused her mind onto one clear task... Break through the wall. No matter what.

Now... It's my turn.

I have the tools. I have the knowledge. I have the motivation. Now, I need to do the work. I'm going to need help, but I'm ready to reach out and find it. I have spoken with my family and they have agreed on how important this is to me, for me. With their love and support (and a little help from a tax refund), I will be returning to my Weight Watchers meeting this week. I may start attending a second one later in the week to keep my resolve and accountability strong. I will also be signing up for some personal training sessions through the Y to kick my workouts up a notch. (I'll definitely blog about this when I know more.) To break through this wall, I need to pull out all the stops and I know adding these resources into the mix will help a ton!

I'm also pondering a rewards system; not for weight lost, but for tracking (either WW Pts+ or calories), exercising/activity, making good choices at difficult times (dinners out, parties, special events, etc) and hitting all of my Good Health Guidelines each day. The rewards would be simple... time online (as I'm a bit of a Facebook addict), time to sit and watch TV, time to play computer games, etc. Seems a bit childish, I know, but I also know how many hours I waste sitting on my rear doing nothing; my mind getting bored, my body tired and then I eat, I don't workout, I don't get much accomplished. Then I feel horrible and the cycle starts all over again.

I need to break the cycle to break through the wall.

I need to break the cycle to give myself the best chance of never having to go through this journey again.

I have a lot of work ahead of me and I feel like I'm scraping the bottom of the motivation/strength barrel to start. I want this week to be the beginning of a new chapter in this journey and I'm hoping to find a way to make it happen. My son's on Spring Break, so it's not going to be easy (no "me" time). Wish me luck. :)

Goals this week...
- track food every day
- 8c of water consumed each day
- 5 servings of fruit and veggies each day
- Exercise/activity for 30min each day
- Write up reward list(s)
- Weigh-in and post on blog