Day 22 - Would You Like Fries with Those Milestones?

Nothing fits. I need new clothes. I have nothing to wear. Moooooooother!

It's been many years since I initially said those words. 1993 to be exact. That was the last year I remember seeing the size of my clothes start with a 1 instead of a 2. Seventeen years... a long time indeed. Now I'm poised to change that number once again... back to 1.

Scared, excited, nervous, impatient...

I'm coming up on a -huge- milestone. Several actually; milestones I never thought I would see. Wow, just writing this is making me all emotional. I'm -so- close to a moment in my life that I never, ever believed would occur that it's hard for me to even think about, not wanting to jinx it and all. But, it's coming... they're coming and I will do everything in my power to make them happen. After that, I'll be in a kind of No-Man's Land; an area of life that happened so long ago, I can't remember what it was like to be there. Wow... I'm really going to make this happen.

You're confused. Sorry, a bit overwhelming. Lemme see if I can clear some of this mud up for you...

In 1992, my body's average weight was around 170-ish. I bounced back and forth within about a 10lb range, without any changes in diet or activity level. I was overweight for my height (5'6"), but only by about 20lbs. I was 19 and had never been the athletic type. I was used to thinking of myself as a "fat girl" (my mindset since I was 13), but I tried not to let it bother me. It did, but I truly didn't know what being "fat" was until later.

Early 1993 changed everything. While I won't divulge details here, I will say that my journey into the 200+ lb range started due to a very bad drug interaction. I was now 20 and in less than one year, I went from 170-ish to over 240lbs. Even after I was taken off of the meds, my body weight came to rest at 235lbs and there it stayed for a long time.

When I hit age 27 (2000), my weight began to creep up. I hit 260+lbs for the first time. My first marriage was falling apart in a million ways and I felt powerless. Food has always been a source of comfort for me and now it was all I felt I had left. The temporary joy of eating and drinking became all-important. Then I found out my ex was having an affair; not his first (or his last), just his most passionate and consuming one. It nearly destroyed me. I left and stayed three days with some friends. I didn't eat. I didn't drink. I was too sick to my stomach. I was a mess.

We did get back together and tried to make it work. By now, it truly was doomed. I was just too stubborn (and had such low self-esteem) to let it go. The only good part of that whole incident was that I lost 11 lbs in those 3 days. It took me 2 months to re-learn how to eat like I was prior to that weekend, and I continued to lose weight; 40lbs in all. In the end, I hit my adult all-time low of 224lbs. I have never seen its like since.

Of course, since I wasn't trying to change my life or take steps to keep the weight off, I regained it all and then some. To this day, I'm not sure what my highest weight was, but close estimate was around 275-ish in 2003. But February of that year kicked off my first real commitment to changing my life forever. I followed the Atkins diet for 2 weeks, but was so stir crazy by the end, I couldn't continue. Still, it taught me about portion sizes and the importance of drinking lots of water. It also taught me about success and perseverance; I lost 11lbs that first two weeks, followed by another 25 or so over the next several months. I joined a gym and began using a recumbant bike, the weight machines, walking the track, and swimming. Oh, I loved to swim! By September of that year, I looked and felt better than I had in a decade. I was 30 and able to fit back into a size 14/16 shirt and size 20 pant. I thought I would keep it off forever...

Then the divorce came...and changed everything...

As I grew more confident in myself, I couldn't ignore the state of my marriage and my environment anymore. When you truly love someone, it is forever, even if what's best for you as a person is not to be with them anymore. I made my choice. I chose me. Painful? Hell yeah. Necessary? Yes. I wish him only the best, but I know my choice was the right one... for both of us.

Needless to say, my eating and exercise habits suffered under the changes in my life. First, the divorce, then later there were miscarriages... three of them. Then my miracle pregnancy with my son, Connor in 2006-2007. That stretched the skin a bit, lemme tell you. ;) There was the loss of my father-in-law in 2007 (seven weeks before Connor was born), and finally, the heart-wrenching loss of my unborn son, Daniel in 2008 at 19 weeks 5 days. Overall, I'd say committing myself to changing my life, my weight hasn't been at the top of my list. At least until now.

I started Weight Watchers in May 2009 because I wasn't able to run with my son. He'll beat the pants off of most adults, he's so fast! I couldn't run... at all. I was so out of shape. I was all rolls and no energy. I thought to myself "What kind of a mom can I really be to this amazing little guy when I can't even walk upstairs without being out of breath? He needs me and I need to do whatever it takes to be there for him." So I went to a meeting, unsure if I'd sign up. I had to try something and this seemed the most reasonable and responsible way to succeed. I still had the mindset that I needed to buy into a plan to be successful. I know now that's not true, but I still like the WW plan. It helps keep me accountable in a healthy way. As it turns out, it was just the start of a journey that I'm still on today.

I started with the idea of losing weight, passed through all of my previously known mental blocks, discovered the truth to my eating patterns and desires, and am now working towards those milestones I spoke of above. Within the next few weeks, I will reach the following momentous moments:

- I will weight less than 224lbs for the first time in a decade.

- I will fit into a size 18 pant for the first time in 17 years.

- I will run. I begin my Couch-to-5K training on Sunday and I hope to compete in my first official 5K run in September at Rockford's 3-day music festival On The Waterfront.

I don't remember what it's like to be at a healthy weight. Even when I was at one, I didn't think of myself as being healthy. To me, I've been the "fat girl" for 24 years now. After these moments happen, I will be completely out of my comfort zone...

I'm looking forward to it!!! :)

Today was weigh-in day. I lost another 1.8lbs, bringing my total to 35.4lbs lost. I now weigh 226.8lbs. I pushed myself at the gym and walked 5K in 55 minutes, sweating up a storm.

Almost there. First, these milestones, then the world!

Goodnight, dear friends and readers and thank you for your continued support! May your dreams be as wonderful as mine are tonight.

~H.