Day 2 - new revelations and some inspiration

Temptations come when you least expect them. Today, I had one that was incredibly powerful. Lately, I've been tired and feeling nauseated a lot. Not sure why (no, not pregnant) and it's made getting through the day difficult. From past experience, I know that when I'm tired, not feeling well, upset, etc that all I want to do is eat. Doesn't matter if I'm hungry or not. I just want to eat and keep eating until either I'm so stuffed that I feel like throwing up or I run out of food. My mind seeks comfort and tries desperately to find it in food. Generally, it only makes me feel worse, so I eat more; a vicious cycle to be sure. Those moments weigh on me like a ton of bricks; my inner voice screaming at me to just give up for the day and eat until I "feel better." Always that empty promise: "You'll feel better if you just let go and eat." I do, for a moment, then the guilt sets in. I feel worse both mentally and physically. So, I eat more. Oh how the wheel turns...

Today, I had one of moments. I had had a bad morning; couldn't focus on Connor (my son), couldn't focus on cleaning or laundry or any of the other daily "Things To Do". I felt yucky physically which left me little energy to do anything. That made me feel guilty which led to a lot of negative thoughts and feelings which kept leading me to the kitchen. Over and over, I found myself looking in the fridge and pantry for that "perfect" comfort food; the one that I can eat a small portion of, feel good about, and feel like my normal self. Silly dream. It never happens that way.

Wow, I just realized something. When I'm looking for that "perfect" food, I'm actually looking for love, understanding, non-judgmental comfort and acceptance. No snarky remarks, no “Just sayin', that's all”. You don't get that from people. At least I've never found it.

When I think about it, I get a flashback of reading a magazine article many years ago regarding how men don't want to know about how a woman makes herself beautiful. He just wants to see the finished product. It's a lot like that. When I get upset/mad/sick/unhappy/negative, I pull away from people. Always have. I hate people seeing me at anything less than my best or some casual facsimile thereof. They don't want to see the BS of my life. They don't really care about my struggles. They have their own and that's what really matters to them.

When I have one of these moments, I'm in a very vulnerable place emotionally. Generally, I don't want to talk about it, most often because (in my mind) I sound like a broken record. I don't want to talk, discuss, debate, hear/see/receive sympathy/pity/sarcasm/humor. I just want to curl into a hole and come out when I'm feeling better. When I eat, I'm in control of my comfort. I can do it with minimal interaction with others or (during the week days) I can do it without anyone knowing. No judgment can be bestowed upon me. Since I'm my own worse critic, I don't need any more guilt (real or imagined) heaped upon me. I kick myself well enough, thank you.

A powerful realization for me. I've had to reread this a few times, but it makes sense. Funny how you may have what you think is an understanding for so many years, only to one day finally feel it at your core being; to finally understand the true nature of the concept. Today, I think I have discovered one of the main (possibly THE main) reason that I overeat; eating is the only area of my life that I have full and complete control over. No permission needed, no negotiations for money, no babysitter arrangements, no disappointing others. I can eat whenever I want, wherever I want, as much as I can manage. Food is always there. No matter where you turn, you can always find something to eat. Food has been my best friend, my lover, my significant other. Whenever I want it, it's there. It satisfies me (sometimes more than others), cheers me up, travels along the road of life with me. All the while, it never complains, never makes sarcastic remarks, never uses love as a reason to make hurtful comments or criticisms. No, food is my stalwart companion and I am far too dependent on it.

If I am to make my goals on this journey, food has to become my “frenemy.” I must learn to see it for what it truly is; healthy food in reasonable quantities + unhealthy food in small, moderate, occasional treats = friend. Large quantities of food (especially unhealthy) + eating NOT due to hunger = enemy.

Put into an easier context: Eat to Live, not Live to Eat. This will be tough!

I must admit, I didn't see this line of thought coming at the beginning of this blog. Funny how a stream of consciousness can bring such deep thoughts to light unexpectedly. But, as it stands, I'm glad they did.

Ugh, it's now late and I need sleep. Going to be working on making some changes with that soon as well. One step at a time; baby steps at that.

Oh, a quick note about the inspiration for my returning to blogging, especially about my weight loss journey. I recently came across a blog of a guy in Oklahoma named Sean who decided to lose weight just by counting calories (1500/day) and exercising. No “diet” plan, no crazy schemes or marketing angles. He just decided enough was enough when it came to his weight and made two iron-clad rules with himself: eat whatever he wanted up to 1500 calories a day (no more) and that he would exercise every day. Period. End of plan. He blogs about his daily experiences at http://losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com/. His blog is (aptly) called “The Daily Diary of a Winning Loser” and as of today (June 3^rd, 2010), he has been on his journey (and blogging about it) for 626 days. That's almost 2 years!! He started at 505lbs and is currently down to 250lbs. Yes, that means he's lost (as of Day 619) 255lbs in less than 2 years! Inspirational indeed!

But it's more than his weight loss that's inspiring me. I have been keeping up with his “current day” posts as well as going back into the archives and reading his journey from Day 1. In the last few days, I've already read about so many of my same emotions. Here's a guy who's gone through what I'm going through. Here's someone who's struggling every day with similar struggles to mine. Here's a guy who loves ice cream as much as I do! LOL! Sorry, had to throw that one in there.

Sean is determined to not just lose weight, but to change his life for the better, for the positive in all aspects. Thing is... he's just a guy; a working family man who's just trying his best every day. He's not rich, not a celebrity (well, maybe a minor one now with the blog and all) or sports star. He's not hawking diet products or trying to make you think you can be a supermodel in 30 days with only a miracle shake and 6 minutes of exercise a day. He's just a guy, taking one day at a time and trying to make life work a little better. That's me. That's all of us. If a guy from Oklahoma can do it, so can I! Right? That's my inspiration. I hope one day I can tell him so and thank him. Hopefully, wearing a size 12. Maybe a 10. Now that would be something. :)

Ok, off to bed with me. 7am comes early, if I'm allowed to sleep in that long. Boy, I hope so!

~H