Day 24 - A Tangent of Sorts into Life

I hope you will forgive me, dear readers. Tonight's blog will not mention weight loss or NSVs or any other related topic. Tonight, I divert into a very special area of my life... my life as a mom.

In 2007, I was blessed with my son, Connor. He is my joy, my world, my miracle. If you've read some of my previous posts, you understand why. Today, I met with his "team" at his new school... his special ed team. You see, my soon-to-not-be-a-toddler son has Sensory Processing Disorder and possibly a mild form of Autism (can't fully diagnose the latter until at least age 5). It makes life challenging to say the least; a challenge I gladly take on every day. Some days, like today, are longer than others; today started at 6am. It's now 2:30am and I'm quite beat.

I hope your forgive the briefness (is that a word? Sooo tired...) of this post, but today seemed to center around him... meeting at school, therapy, snuggled together for a quick nap, eating, playing... Even when I went to the gym, I knew it was connected to him. I was working out to become healthier, so I can be the best mommy to him that I can be; to be around for as long as I can be. When he woke up this evening, I snuggled with him as he fell back asleep, enjoying a moment that I know one day soon will fade away. He'll grow up, I'll become uncool, and for the rest of my days, I'll remember those few years when I was the center of his world, even though he will always be the center of mine.

I started this journey because of him.. well, mainly. I know I need to do this for myself. Still, what better motivation can you have than a child's smile and laughter as you run together hand in hand. (Yes, we do this. It's his favorite activity.)

With his SPD and Autism, I must work every day to help him be the best person he can be; to help him learn to communicate, to learn, to grow. Sometimes it works beautifully. Sometimes, it's incredibly difficult. Every word is music to my ears; every outburst must be patiently evaluated for what is normal behavior and what is part of the disorder. I am constantly on alert, observing every movement, every reaction. It's exhausting... some days more than others, but I gladly take on each and every moment as it means he is in my life.

To the outside world, unaware of the details (or worse - misinformed / non-believers), he may seem like an unruly, undisciplined, spoiled child with an overprotective mother. You can't corner everyone and explain what's what. You can't hang a sign around his neck for people to read. You let your skin grow thick, pray for good days when you're out and about, and hope for understanding (and sometimes forgiveness) when things go askew. Tonight, I ask for a few more moments of your time. Please check out the sites listed below. Read through them. Know that there are millions of children out there in need of a little more patience and understanding; good kids who never chose this, never wanted to be seen as "bad" or "wrong". They're not. They just see the world a little differently and I truly believe that that's a good thing.

Sensory Processing Disorder (Sensory Integration Disorder)

Autism

To end this, I'm re-posting a short note one of my friend's sent me. Her son is only a few months older than Connor and is (more than likely, but not officially) autistic, so she understands the challenges, fears, joys, and victories associated with these disorders. Whenever I start to feel overwhelmed or fearful, I re-read this note. We don't know who wrote it, but it hits home every time...

Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a few by social pressures, and a couple by habit. This year, nearly 100,000 women will become mothers of a child with special needs. Did you ever wonder how mothers like this are chosen?

Somehow I visualize God hovering over earth selecting His instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As he observes, He instructs His angels to make notes in a giant ledger.

“Armstrong, Beth, son. Patron saint, Matthew. Forrest, Marjorie, daughter. Patron saint, Cecelia. Rudledge, Carrie, twins. Patron saint… give her Jude. He’s used to profanity.”

Finally, He passes a name to an angel and smiles, “Give her a child with special needs.”

The angel curious. “Why this one, God? She’s so happy.” “Exactly”, smiles God. “Could I give a child with special needs a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel.”

“But has she patience?” asked the angel. “I don’t want her to have too much patience or she will drown in a seal of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wears off, she’ll handle it.

“I watched her today. She has that feeling of self and independence that is so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I’m going to give her has his own world. She has to make him live in her world and that is not going to be easy.”

“This one is perfect. She has just enough selfishness.” The angels gasps, “Selfishness? Is that a virtue?” God nods. “If she can’t separate herself from the child occasionally, she’ll never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn’t realize it yet, but she’s to be envied. She will never take for granted a ’spoken word’. She will never consider a ’step’ ordinary. When her child says “Mama’ for the first time she will be present at a miracle and know it! When she describes a tree or sunset to her child, she will see it as few people ever see my creations.

“I will permit her to see clearly the things I see… ignorance, cruelty, prejudice… and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by my side.

“And what about her patron saint?” asks the angel, her pen poised in mid-air.

God smiles. “A mirror will suffice.”

~H.