Day 52 - Food Struggles of an Emotional Eater

I know I had at least 3 great blogs written in my head over the course of today... witty, intelligent, insightful... and here I am, sitting in front of my trusty notebook laptop and they've gone completely out the window.

... le sigh...

It's been a tough day, dear readers. While not going into specifics, the news my family and I have been waiting for came through, but not the way we wanted it... the way we needed it... to be. This was a bad financial blow for us, one that scares us quite a bit. But, we're fighters. We're survivors. This isn't the end; just changes the math a little.

But you're not here for that and I'm not going to end my night on a negative note. Nope, for today's post is a positive one.

No, really. It is. Just hang in there with me. You'll see... :)

I am an emotional eater. Always have been. Probably always will be. I do not fall into that 1% of people who, when depressed, stressed, or very emotional in some way, will forget to eat or turn away from food. If you're one of those lucky individuals, congratulations! You'll find the rest of us noshing down at the local buffet table waiting for the Old Spice guy to stroll in and distract us. Cheese cubes? What cheese cubes, Old Spice guy? Come'ere and teach me all about what my man can smell like. Mmmmm... ;)

He's on a horse...

Er... tangent... sorry. Anyway, the difference between my emotional eating "then" and my emotional eating "now" are my choices and not just the ones regarding food. I'm talking about the choice to take responsibility for what, when, where, and how I eat. The choice of how long I allow myself to stand in front of the fridge or at the kitchen counter, just mindlessly eating whatever is in front of me, if I allow it at all. The choice of not tracking my points when I know the numbers may not be what I want them to be.

Even the choice of mindset... Do I allow that nasty little voice in head to beat me up after having that second (or third or fourth) serving of fried rice or piece of cake? Do I let it try to wipe away all memory of my past success? Do I allow myself to feel like a failure (the "I should just give up" voice) instead of learning from the moment and moving on?

These are all choices. Not easy ones to be sure, but choices nonetheless.

Today, I ran into these choices head on. It's been a little while since I've had to deal with them, so it took me a short time to recognize what was going on. When I did finally see the familiar pattern emerging once again, it still took a conscious effort for me to regroup. This was tough!

I had heard the news in the early afternoon, so I had that pit in my stomach sitting there for a few hours. I had indulged in a low fat hot dog (with whole wheat bun) and a serving of potato chips for lunch. I even threw in a cup of cut veggies as an afterthought. Not much of a lunch, but it was my emotional side kicking in, wanting the fatty, salty promise of momentary happiness. It worked for a brief time and I did log the points. Still, it took a good deal of effort to not graze my way through the kitchen. Instead, I called some friends and arranged a spontaneous playdate that would last until dinner time.

For the record, I had a large bottle of water while at the play place and resisted the urge for any snacking. Yay me! :)

Before heading home, my son was quite the cranky-pants, so we stopped at McDonalds. Now, I had every intention of just redeeming my free small fruit smoothie coupon and grabbing him a cheeseburger Happy Meal (with the apple slices and low fat milk)... and I did that... and also bought a grilled chicken sandwich.

I couldn't tell you why I did that. I didn't have a taste for it. I was a little hungry, but I had already planned out my dinner. Literally, as soon as the employee put the box on my tray, I looked at it, asking myself "Why did you get this?" I had no answer. I even thought about putting the box in the Happy Meal bag and taking it home for someone to eat later. Out of sight, out of mind, right? Not today...

No, today I ate "just a few bites"... then a few bites more, all the while complaining to myself that I didn't even remember to ask McDs to hold the mayo. Next thing I knew, one grilled chicken sandwich (and 9 points) were history. Now if I had stopped my emotional eating there, I would have felt much better. I was still well within my points for the day and could easily round out my evening with a great salad or baked potato... something with veggies and fruit. Heck, even cereal with bananas and blueberries would have worked. What I didn't know was that the temptations of the day weren't done with me yet...

Mom ordered Chinese for dinner. Oh boy...

I came home to egg rolls, crab rangoons, tofu with vegetables, sesame chicken, hot and sour soup, fried wonton strips, combination fried rice, and fortune cookies. Temp-ta-tions!!

Now, if I had been in a more secure state of mind, I would have carefully measured out some soup and tofu with veggies. Maybe even indulged in a single rangoon. But that little voice calling from the pit in my stomach was still in charge, so some fried rice, an egg roll with sweet-n-sour sauce, a crab rangoon, and most of the fried wonton strips went onto my plate and into my belly.

Hey, Heather, you said this was a positive post. Where's the positive in your overeating? I'm almost there. Keep your pantyhose on. Sheesh!

While I stood there at the kitchen counter, gobbling all of this down and starting to reach for more, I realized two things:
- First, that I had only taken ONE rangoon, not all three that were in the container. I had taken ONE egg roll (out of 4) and ONE 1Tbs package of sauce. I had only taken a little over a half cup of fried rice (container held a large sized portion) and I had not finished the small package of wontons. Basically, my silver lining was that I ate very little compared to what I would have chosen before I committed myself to losing weight and becoming healthier. Unconsciously, I had made a decision to keep myself on this path, even when I wasn't consciously controlling my food intake. It has become too much of a habit!

- The second realization came shortly after the first one. When Point #1 sunk into my thick skull, I was able to see the situation clearly and walk away. My need to fill a painful void with food was gone.. well, enough that I could look at the box of rice and the bag of egg rolls and say "Nope, I'm good. I don't need you. You are not what will help me feel better." This hearkens back to Day 2 for me: Food does not equal Happiness/Love/Acceptance. Instead, I made a zero point cup of sugar free hot chocolate with a little fat free Reddi Wip, grabbed the rest of my water (got my 67oz in today!), and headed upstairs to color my hair and snuggle into bed.

Coloring my hair makes me feel all girlie :) "I'm gonna wash that gray right outta my hair..." *hums*

On second thought... maybe the coloring can wait... ;)

End result for today? All daily points used plus 12 weekly points which I had been saving for the weekend. Guess I need to hit the gym and work on racking up some extra activity points!

Overall, I close out today with a renewed sense of conscious awareness regarding my emotional eating habits... or, in smaller words... I now remember that I eat a lot when I'm upset. :) I'm again reminded of how powerful some emotional triggers are for me and how I must always be on alert for them in the future. Seems tough... it is... but it's not an impossible obstacle to overcome. It takes time, patience and (especially) kindness with yourself. Don't hate or beat yourself up over days like these. They will happen, no doubt when you least want them to. It's OK!! It's not that you made the decision (or lack thereof) in the first place. It's about what choices you make once you recognize what you've done. Where do you go from that point? What is your next choice?

My next choice is to get some sleep, knowing that tomorrow is another day with another 30 points to spend. A new day with new choices and another chance to take one more step forward on this path. Now if I could just get an implant that can record thoughts. Would make this blogging thing so much easier...!

All my best, dear friends!

~H.