How Do You Walk The Path Alone?

I had to leave Weight Watchers in August due to financial reasons. Since then, I have just lost all focus, all motivation and all positive thought. I had reached my lowest weight in years (220.2) and now, a mere 3 months later, I've gained nearly 20lbs. I haven't even been able to think of getting on a scale in over a week now. I haven't been able to face the numbers.

I can't stop eating.

I can't get past feeling tired and sick which kills any motivation to exercise.

I don't want to give up, but I have to admit that this is the closest I've ever been to complete surrender.

I'm lost. I'm frustrated. I'm scared.

I am fighting against my own temptations, my own fears, my own feelings of failure.

I'm fighting against a family, though incredibly supportive, is not on this same journey and cannot (and should not) be put in a position to miss out on the things they love or the lifestyle they wish to lead. It's just hard being surrounded every day by foods and habits that contributed to my high weight.

I'm not getting any younger. This isn't getting any easier.

I need help and I don't know where to look for it anymore. No money to buy the help. All attempts at setting up buddies falls apart about as quickly as they get set up. I've exhausted what free resources I know of. I don't know what to do.

I don't want to give up. I can't give up. Please, God, don't let this end. Show me the path I need to be on now. Help me succeed.

New Look, New Focus, Same Me

I've always stated that this blog was more than weight loss. It's my way of connecting to myself, to others, to the world. While I've used this blog mostly as a weight loss tool, I've felt it could be much more. So, after some time off, I've come to the decision to open up the focus and make it more... well... me. Weight loss will definitely be a big topic, but so will my trials and joys with autism and SPD, my love of all things geeky and whatever else may pop into my mind.

So, check out the new look and check back soon. You never know what may be here next time. :)

Down, but not out. Never out...

Wow, has it really been 2 1/2 months since I last blogged?! Yikes! I do tend to hide away when things aren't going well. Looking at the date, that's probably what happened. I've been on such a rollercoaster ride these last several weeks in terms of eating, being on plan at Weight Watchers, being off-plan, exercising, not exercising, schedule changes, depression, emotional eating, personal discovery, a wedding, a death, a terminal illness diagnosis and the end of a revered family tradition.

Yeah... a little rough to say the least. I feel like I've hiked the Grand Canyon of stress and finally come out the other side, battered and bruised but (hopefully) triumphant. I'm back here blogging and refocusing my efforts; that (to me) means success. Ooo, that gives me a new equation to keep in mind for this next leg of my journey...

Persistance + Unwillingness to fail = Success

Some days, success isn't measured in foods eaten, Points+ tracked, exercise minutes achieved, or NSVs. On those days, it's the simple fact that I refuse to give up on myself completely. Last night was one of those days. I have been feeling very out-of-control lately; So much going on that I had no control over. I let my struggles with food and exercise motivation take a back seat to those emotions and (several times) just ate until I thought I would burst. My scale at home reflects that (from 216 to 222 in 2 weeks). I've missed the last two weeks of WW meetings, but I am determined to go in today to weigh-in (my local center is open from 11a-1p for WIs and purchases). I need to know what the "official" scale says before I get started on this holiday weekend! Food is already purchased, so I will have to work with what I have. But, I know my choices need to be more conscious and less "Screw it! I'm fat anyway. What's one more burger/handful of chips/ice cream cone?" At least I won't have the bag of my favorite chips staring me in the face. Of course, I have to accept the fact that I ate the whole bag yesterday. Ok, lots of water today to clear out the sodium. Step 1.

Step 2: Lots and lots of veggies! Fill up on veggies (and some fresh fruit) and keep the rest in check. Protein... lean... portioned. Staying away from the fatty "salads" (potato, macaroni, etc) and experimenting with healthier desserts (grilled pineapple on sour cream angel food cake with a dollop of sugar-free, low-fat butter pecan ice cream anyone?)

Step 3: Get my butt to the gym! I know that is where I'm most successful at working out. I have the time, the transportation and the membership to my local Y (with 2 locations nearby). I have no excuses to not pop in for 30min or so. I feel better. I look better. Why am I not doing this? Because I'm not making it a priority. That changes now!

Step 4: Get to my weekly WW meeting, no matter what the scale might say. I joined for the face-to-face support. Can't get that support unless I walk through the doors. Time to get back!!

Step 5: Wash, rinse, repeat and succeed!

Oh, maybe I can add in Step 4.5: blog on a regular basis. Just writing this blog for the last year has helped me so much and the tremendous support of the blogosphere (especially you, my reader) cannot be denied! Thank you for accepting crazy, chaotic ol' me into your world. As always, it means so very much to me. :)

Ok, time to put those steps into action! A quick weigh-in at my WW center, then a healthy meal, walking around the air-conditioned mall with my guys (hubby and son), then game night with friends. Time to get back to living my life with purpose and focus.

I hope everyone has a wonderful, safe and healthy 4th of July weekend!

~Heather

Weigh-Ins, Responses & Contests... Oh my!!

This past week was... well... not that great. I'm currently fighting with bi-annual insomnia caused by my circadian rhythm disorder and slept through my meeting times on the 5th. But, I made a point to catch the Friday meeting on the 8th, so I wouldn't miss a week. (Dag-nab-it, I'm gonna make this current goal of 219 by May 18th!!) So, below are my weigh-ins from the last two weeks, my response to a very familiar-sounding post someone made on My Fitness Pal and a heads-up on a great contest currently happening on Friends For Weight Loss. Much more to come in the next few weeks! Until then... Stay strong and *never* give up!

WW Weigh-In for April 8th: 226.2 lbs

Weight Lost since Last Weigh In: +0.2 lbs

Total Weight Lost since May 2009: 36.0 lbs

Highest Weight: 262.2 (May 2009)
Lowest Weight: 222.2  (Apr 2011)
-------------------------------------------------------------------

WW Weigh-In for April 12th: 225.2 lbs

Weight Lost since Last Weigh In: -1.0 lbs

Total Weight Lost since May 2009: 37.0 lbs

Highest Weight: 262.2 (May 2009)
Lowest Weight: 222.2  (Apr 2011)

==========================================

(For the entire post and responses, click here: "Losing Motivation quickly")

Original post by member emd0019:

So......
I'm 11 lbs down which is amazing. I'm very pleased with the weight I have lost so far. However I am having a really hard time getting back into the groove of things. I used to go to the gym for an hour a day. Then I stopped going to the gym because of schoolwork and I just watched what I ate and stayed under 1200 calories. I took last weekend off because I had a bachelorette party on Friday, an all day rodeo on Saturday, and a NHL game on Sunday. So I didn't log my entire weekend and although I didn't eat horribly I know I ate more than I needed.
Well now it is Wednesday and I have logged Monday, Tuesday, and today but have been over every single day. My weigh day is supposed to be tomorrow but it will devastate me if I get on the scale and have even gained a pound. So I should I skip tomorrows weigh day? How can I regain motivation to get back to the gym and cut down on what I eat? I'm just lost because everyday I plan on being under and some temptation comes up and I eat it regardless of it I really wanted it or not.

Please help! 

-------------------------------------------

After reading the other members' responses, I was compelled to reply with the following:

Boy, do I know this situation! It's one I deal with on a regular basis (unfortunately) and it can be soooooo tough to bounce back from. But I can tell you that you *can* do it! It takes a lot of conscious effort to shift your thought process and "get back on the wagon", but a week like this (including the possible gain at your weigh in) can be useful to help not just motivate you, but to help you understand your triggers and eating behaviors better. Not easy lessons to learn sometimes.

First... don't worry about what others may say. During times like this, the last thing I ever wanted to hear was "If you want to lose weight, you can do it if you want to." That may be true, but it can only make you feel worse. Don't listen to those, at least not yet. Wait until you're in a more positive frame of mind, then take that in. Right now, you need to listen to yourself and cut yourself a break. You're not "bad", "wrong", or "a failure." You're a human trying to change their life. You will have difficulties. It's ok. As I was once told... "Progress, not perfection."

Next... your weigh in. Do it. Having those numbers (no matter what they are) gives you a way to track your progress. Remember, it's not the only way (tracking measurements, the way your clothes fit, how you're feeling overall are other ways). A body's weight fluctuates quite a bit for a number of reasons, so don't let that be your sole gauge of your progress. Let it guide you and help you set your goals for the future.

This is the time when you're gonna need to dig deep; find that spark of inner strength, remember your motivations for losing the weight in the first place, help yourself believe that it's not one moment in time that defines your weight loss journey, but everything you choose along the way that will ultimately determine your success. This one week is not your whole journey. It's only one small part of it with more left to be determined. You hold the power to make each choice. Pour your determination into making that next choice, no matter how small it may seem, a positive one. Just one to start. Don't worry about the rest for now. One moment at a time.

Know that you're not alone. The mere fact that you posted shows that you haven't given up. That's a great choice! You CAN do it!

I think it came out pretty well. :) 

==================================

Now, onto the yummy part... the Chobani contest over at Friends For Weight Loss!!

It seems that the wonderful folks at Chobani are allowing the awesome folks at Friends For Weight Loss to give away an ENTIRE CASE of Chobani to one very lucky member!! How cool is that?! You will receive (should you win) one full case of a variety of Chobani flavors to tempt your tastebuds, enhance your recipes and just make your day a little yummier overall.

To access the contest, you will need to become a member of Friends For Weight Loss. It's free and one of the best 2 minute investments you can make! Not sure? After signing up for your membership (and entering the contest), look for the this recipe: 2pts+ Chocolate Chip Cookies. I made these (even used some of the Chobani I had in my fridge) and they are hands down the *BEST* 2pt+ cookie I have ever had! Full-sized, chewy, perfect! A must try for any of my WW friends out there. Heck, even if you're not on WW, make these!!

=================================================

...and on that delicious note, I am outta here. I need some sleep before working out again tomorrow morning. Day 3 for the week, so I'm pretty happy about it. Oh... one more piece of news. My hubby has *finally* agreed to start working out with me! Yay! It's a compromise (Monday and Friday mornings only), but I'll take it. Everyone has to start somewhere and this helps motivate me to get myself into the gym on two of my hardest-to-get-there days. This should help push my workouts to 5 days per week as I've been wanting to for some time now. I just hope he doesn't back out too often. I'll keep you posted!

Remember... hang in there... make your next choice a positive one... NEVER GIVE UP!
~H.

Weigh-In for March 29th (& April 1st)

No April Fool's here! It's late and I'm due to be up early in the morning, so lemme leave you with this quick weigh-in. The first is my official Weight Watchers weigh-in from Tuesday's meeting. The second is my weigh-in from this morning on my scale at home. As I usually weigh-in at my meetings in the evenings and at home first thing in the morning before doing anything else, there is a clear difference in numbers. Of course, I've been working at reaching my current goal (219lbs), so I hope that the weight is actually coming off (my scale is pretty accurate.) I was having some over-eating issues this past week, so getting back onto a fairly strict plan and working out has definitely made a difference. I am looking forward to seeing the scale weight show up at my WW meeting very soon!

WW Weigh-In for March 29th: 226.0 lbs

Weight Lost since Last Weigh In: +1.4 lbs

Total Weight Lost since May 2009: 36.2 lbs

Highest Weight: 262.2 (May 2009)
Lowest Weight: 224.6  (Mar 2011)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Home Weigh-In for April 1st: 222.2 lbs

Weight Lost since Last Weigh In: -3.8 lbs

Total Weight Lost since May 2009: 40.0 lbs

Highest Weight: 262.2 (May 2009)
Lowest Weight: 222.2  (Apr 2011)