First Goal of 2011!

I'm putting it here for all to see...

Lose 40lbs by June 30th.


There it is. Now, to make it happen...

- Eat Right (& Track)
- Be Active (5+ days per week)
- Repeat


That's it. Simple, easy... well... maybe not simple and easy. I just need to take it one step at a time. Eyes on the prize as they say. :)

Have a wonderful and safe New Years everyone!
~Heather

A Very Merry Holiday To You!

A Little LOL For Your Day

Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's Off to the Gym I Go...

 The love/hate relationship most of us have with exercise is undeniably one of the most frustrating aspects to the whole 'lose weight/get healthy' process. I know that, for me, it most certainly is! I have never been able to understand how something I know is so good for me... physically, mentally, emotionally, psychologically... is just so hard to motivate myself to do. Although I will admit that my current streak of exercise success (4-5 days per week for the last nearly 6 weeks) has seemed to come easily, it has even taken me by surprise. I have known for many years... since my last great healthy streak in 2003... that having certain conditional circumstances in my life makes for a much easier path to exercise. Basically, if I have a set time each day that is my own and circumstances get my butt out of the house for that time, then there's a good chance I'll get to the gym. Or, in even simpler terms... If I can get to the door of the gym, a workout of some kind will happen.

So why don't I just throw a workout video into the ol' VCR and save the gas? Three words... Lack. Of. Motivation. For some reason, I cannot seem to dredge up any motivation to make this work. I've tried. I've failed. I've kicked myself about it for years. I've asked the "What's wrong with me?!" question over and over. It seems like the easiest thing to do; take a walk, put on a video, click on a quick 10min workout program on cable... all tried-and-true ways that wouldn't involve paying a dime. But, for whatever reason, I am not a home exerciser and I've had to come to terms with that fact.  It hasn't been easy and I'm still not willing to donate my tapes to any local charities or sell them on eBay. I think I will keep my collection (which includes several Richard Simmons items) around, if for no other reason than to remind myself that, although I don't use them, I understand what they represent; my past journeys, the try-and-fail-and-learn moments, my continued commitment to achieving success, and that should I ever need them, they'll be there for me. For now, I know my best course of action is to continue being a gym rat. I like the success and from the feel of my jeans, it likes me back.

Today, I had a fabulous workout! I had my next Y Coach Assist follow-up meeting first thing, then went on to sweat up a storm for 35min on the elliptical, followed by 75min lifting weights on the Nautilus circuit. As I eat very little in the morning, I followed up the workout with a yummy breakfast of oatmeal with a little wheat germ, flax seed, brown sugar, trail mix (sunflower seeds, almonds, dried cranberries) and rice milk & 12oz of fresh-squeezed carrot, apple, and orange juice. Talk about clean living (and so delicious)!!! As my mother-in-law was babysitting my son (they spend one afternoon each week together for some grandma-grandson time), I have had the luxury of the morning to myself, including time to blog. Talk about a gift! I was able to lose myself in my energy-filled iPod playlist, think about whatever came to mind, and revel in the post-workout weariness while writing and eating an incredibly healthy meal. I am blessed and it feels so good! :)

Tomorrow, it's back into the gym for the low impact "aerobics" class (more like low impact kickboxing, which is why I love it so much) and then back to the daily grind (with a holiday twist, of course). I love knowing that exercise is a part of my daily life and will be holding onto this as long as I'm able to.  Who knows what the future holds. For today, I will embrace the order in my daily chaos and welcome the weariness in my limbs.

Of course, I'm gonna head home now and take a nap. I'm a gym rat, not a fanatic. ;)

(((Holiday hugs))) to you all!
~Heather

Weight Watchers Makes a Change

GAH!!! That was my first thought when I heard the new PointsPlus plan laid out. It seems WW decided to radically change their Points plan, gearing the overall vibe towards a healthier overall diet (as in what you eat, not as in just losing weight). They've decided to "reward" fresh fruit and veggies & lean proteins with lower Points values and higher carb, fat, and processed foods with higher Points values. High, in this case, is not good. Points are now figured by a complex equation using Total Carbs, Total Fat, Protein, and Fiber (previous: Calories, Fat, Fiber) which has changed nearly every Points value in the system (including most of WW's own products).  Many of the low-Point staples I kept stocked in my pantry are now much higher in Points than I may want to spend. A totally new way of thinking, new set of Points to remember, and new style of shopping. Like I said.. GAH!!

Of course my daily points have gone up (from 30 to 35) and the number of weekly points has risen dramatically (from 35 to 49). I liked the idea of having more points to play with (both daily and weekly), having fruit & most veggies be 0pts, the leaning towards lean proteins, and the distancing from processed foods. But then the dark side came out... I'd have to buy all new materials. Wasn't at all happy about that aspect, especially in my economically-challenged position. Double GAH!!

Out with the old...

...and in with the new!

I had been using some wonderful websites to help me determine my points (Dotti's Weight Loss Zone and WikiWeightWatcher) and now those are out-of-date. (I feel for the poor folks who spent the last several years compiling all of that info. Yeesh!)

I can take a little comfort in knowing that everyone involved with WW is now starting from scratch and I'm not alone in this. But, I also know that until I have regular access to meetings and eTools again, following this new plan is going to be challenging. Still, I've decided to try.

I have purchased (while still offered at a discount) a new calculator (absolutely essential!!), new Companion guide, and new Dining Out guide (I wanted new ones for the beginning of the year anyway). I will follow the plan the best that I can though I've already run into a couple of instances where I've desperately needed eTools (cooking with fruit changes the points value of the fruit ingredient). Still, I'll make educated guesses where needed and reserve some of my weekly points to cover them.

An absolute must!! Can't figure out Point values without one!

If any fellow WW followers out there know of some good, non-eTools-based reference websites I could utilize, please let me know! I'd also love to hear your thoughts on the new program. What part of it excites you the most? What part makes you mad? Do you think this program will be easier or harder to follow?

I hope to return to full-time WW meetings & eTools soon. Until then, I'll keep fighting the good fight and work towards reaching some goals. I have my next Y Coach Assist meeting on Tuesday and I'm hoping to report some good news. The way I've been adding on extra weight to some of my Nautilus weight training sessions and how much more flexible I've become seems to be a good sign!

My handy-dandy trusty Tracker!

Until then, dear friends!

~Heather

Why Do We Blog... Really?

So many posts not written down... So many thoughts and feelings, meanderings and innuendos... Wanting so much to be a diamond-in-the-rough writer, but knowing that my choices (both long-term and day-to-day) are allowed to get in the way. Yet, I'm still here and I still write a blog post every day... in my head. They rarely ever see the light of day anymore. Time isn't on my side as I weave my way through the hurtles and pitfalls of life as a mother, wife, daughter, friend, woman, teacher, bookkeeper, nurse, psychologist, paraprofessional, housekeeper, laundress, chef, party planner, cake decorator, attorney, negotiator, comedienne, detective, vet and lover. I'm sure I've missed a few, but that covers most of my official (and unofficial) titles.

So much to do, so little time? Yes and no. I want to do so many different things that I have a hard time narrowing the field down to just a few. That and I'm awful at completing jobs in small parts. To write for just 10 minutes here and 10 minutes there is nearly impossible. My thoughts, my emotions change, my point gets lost amidst ramblings and tangents. In the end, I would end up with several post beginnings and no ends. Not the most conducive way to work. So I write posts in my mind as I exercise or during those precious moments of alone time and never find time to write them down.

Why keep going then? Why not just pack it in? Throw in the towel? Give up the ghost?

Good question.

As this blog became tied into my quest for self-improvement (specifically with weight loss), I found I was unable to give up on it just as I can no longer give up on myself. I love to write. I do and for so many reasons; as a creative outlet for my right-brained Piscean tendencies... for the connection it gives me to my inner self... for the connection to the blogging community at large (knowing I'm a part of something larger than myself or my immediate environment)... for the feedback I receive.

Yeah, that last point... the feedback... a true love-hate relationship with that one. While I never expect comments on my posts, it's the reason I will check my posts over and over again, just to see if someone decided they liked (or disliked) what they read so much that they felt compelled to write me back. A validation that what I've taken time to put down on electronic "paper" evoked enough emotion to cause them to respond.

Each time we bloggers write, we want a reaction of some kind, whether from ourselves and/or from the community. We want to be heard. If we didn't, we'd leave our tales of joy and woe within the confines of our own fevered brains... or write them down in some old-school paper diary fashion. But, we don't. We tip-tip-tip click-click-click away on our desktops, our laptops, our mobile devices and we leave an indelible mark on the electronic world. We know that once we place our mouse over that 'Publish Post' button or let our pinkie finger touch the 'Enter' button ever so slightly that our words will fly through the electron wave of the universe and we will never know who (or what) may see them. We trust they will not fall into the wrong hands, but will be received with positive intentions.

Laughter, tears, tenderness, conviction, calls to action, motivation, inspiration... we hope for the best and, sometimes, fear for the worst. We lay ourselves out for the world to see. We open ourselves up and show that we are nothing but simple, vulnerable human creatures from the planet Earth. We are real, no matter what facade we show the members of our day-to-day dealings. We want to be strong, beautiful, epic in thought, ability, and scope. We want to be known and remembered well. But, we are human... full of faults and fears... each day deciding not only to put one foot in front of the other, but to write about those footsteps, hoping that others will recognize the journey, understand, and express their support, compassion, and happiness in the shared moments. We hope, therefore, we write.

I hope for better news on the financial front. I hope all of you had a wonderful Thanksgiving. I hope your Christmas season is starting positively. I hope I can keep up my 5-days-per-week workout schedule (been going great so far!). I hope that one day I can meet some of you in person. I hope I can write about my footsteps more often. I hope... and therefore... I write... and will continue to write... and to hope.

~Heather

Day 159 - Oh my gosh! I need to blog!

Technology needs to catch up with me. Really. Every day that I've worked out for the last two weeks, I have composed a blog post in my mind. They were witty, informative, and full of excitement with this new chapter in my journey. I have been developing my short and long term goals at my Coach Assist meetings, finishing hour-long workouts on the Nautilus machines twice a week, and the swimming.... ooooohhh, the swimming! The purest joy I have felt in a long time! I even have a brand-new swimsuit, goggles, and flip-flops to keep the joy going! They're all a gorgeous shade of blue (yes, I'm that coordinated) and I LOVE them!

Did I mention the suit is a size 16?!?! Talk about motivation! I'll have to post pics soon to show them off. :)

So why does technology need to catch up to me? Well, if it did, I'd be able to compose the blog posts in my head, then hook my head up to my computer and upload them directly. As it stands currently, that won't be occurring any time soon. So, I must find an hour or two (or three) when I can to sit and write. Unfortunately, that doesn't happen nearly as often as I want it to. Still, I'm working on trying to find more time. I want this blog to be a higher priority than it is. I hope to change this soon as I'm working on scheduling a specific day and time each week to make this a reality. Hopefully, in the next couple of weeks, this will happen. Let's hope because if it does, then more than blogging will be happening. Yes... I'll be joining... a Zumba class... At least trying it out to start, but I'm hoping it'll be as addictive as so many people have said.

For now, I'm pretty proud of what I've been able to accomplish these past few weeks. I've been to the YMCA 3-4 days each week to work out. Two days each week include 60min lap swimming sessions. The other two days have included 60min Nautilus machine sessions (3 set of 12 reps on each machine). I threw in an extra 30min lap swim on one of those days and have tried a swim class as well. (was a bit too easy for my level)  So I can definitely say I've been busy and I haven't tried any of the yoga, pilates, or aerobics classes yet! I want to add some of those in as well, but they're all held in the evenings, so babysitting will need to be arranged. That's another part that I'm working out this week.

Wow! To be able to work out twice a day and I want to do this?! Crazy! Cool, but crazy... in a good way!

While I haven't been able to swing Weight Watchers again yet (mother-in-law is covering YMCA membership, God bless her!), I'm scraping together my $13 and heading to a meeting tonight. I want to see where I stand scale-wise, see everyone, and get a boost going into the holiday season. I still have hope that I'll return as a regular member sometime in the future (I miss E-Tools soooooooooo much!), but for now I need to buckle down and start tracking my points regularly. It was working before and now, with my new-found fire (I knew it was there somewhere. :) ) I know I can be fabulously successful, holidays or no holidays!

If all goes well, start looking for new blog posts on Wednesdays and/or Thursdays. Until then... Stick to the basics, use whatever motivates you best, and keep on rockin' your way down the path! We can all do this! I've been on mine for 18 months now (holy cow!) and I know I still have a long way to go. As Loretta and Deb once said... "Progress, not perfection." Those words keep me going. I am worth it!

*hugs* to each one of you!
~Heather

Day 139 - Workout Time, Here I Come... er, Maybe Not...

Hi everyone!

I just had to jump online really quick and shout to the rafters about my new YMCA membership! Woohoo! Yes, a Snoopy-like dance did occur when the hubby and I were told our financial assistance had been approved. My amazing mother-in-law will be covering the monthly fee for us (have I said recently how lucky I got with her? Totally lucky!!) and our membership starts right away! I have been waiting for this for almost two months now and I can't wait to get back into a pool... swimming laps for an hour... Even found my old one-piece suit! Now if I could only find my goggles...

One service provided free of charge (!!) is the Coaching Assistance program. For the next SIX MONTHS, I will be working with a "coach" who will be helping me learn about the computerized tracking system, how to work any equipment I don't know how to use, even figuring out the proper positioning for me on all of the machines. She is helping me set goals (both short and long-term) and setting up an exercise plan that will be best in achieving them (with the types of exercise *I* prefer). If I ever have a question or need help, I just ask her. It's an amazing service and one that is free to all regular Y members! Already had my first meeting with her today and I'm sooooo excited to work with her!

On top of the great workout facilities, I have already fallen in love with the small cafe inside the Y. Freshly juiced fruits and veggies, soups and breads made from scratch, everything healthy and as many organic products as possible. I've tried out a couple of items and I'm hooked! Y-U-M!

The only downside to all of this good news is that I seem to have caught my son's cold/illness and this may keep me from taking full advantage of this week. I don't want to start pushing my body while it's fighting to stay healthy, so I may end up letting this week be a relaxing week until I'm over this bug. But, only until then. I want in that pool now!

So, my triumphant return to the gym is on hold temporarily and I know that, when I finally do get to start working out again, it'll feel amazing! Who knows though... I may steal a little time just to slowly check out the pool a little this week. Patience is not my best virtue. ;)

Until next time, fellow readers!
~Heather

Day 136 - A Second Wind

Autumn. It's my favorite season and, by sheer luck I think, we're having a long and gorgeous one here in northern Illinois. Usually, we get 3 decent fall days; the rest are rainy, overcast, windy, then snowy winter blows in. This year, it's amazing and I know I am not the only one who's grateful.

For me, autumn is my season in all ways. I love wearing comfy jeans and flannel pjs, over-sized sweaters and fluffy socks. I love to walk through red-gold leaves and actually enjoy raking them into piles for my son to play in. The apples from the tree in our backyard make great additions to nearly every meal and the squirrels that nest in one of our trees make for free amusement all through the day. I pile my favorite comforters and blankets on the bed and start preparing the fireplace for a long winter of use. Trips to the orchard are a must and soups, stews, and our favorite Weight Watchers Chicken Pot Pie become every day fare. Can you tell I LOVE autumn?!

Autumn is also a time of change for me. Every year around this time, I feel myself change both physically and mentally. My attitude, my moods, my choices (both activity and food) shift dramatically... some for the better, some not. It seems that the end of summer is not my friend and it takes a couple of months to "pull myself together". If you've read my previous posts, you know that my life has undergone some serious changes in the last few months; changes I never could have predicted. My weight loss was put on the back burner as my energy went in a million other directions. Being a bit of a control freak (Yeah, I admit it), this chaos, both internal and external, has been maddening to say the least. Still, I knew that there is an eye to every storm and a light at the end of every tunnel. As the Wilson Phillips song goes "Hold on for one more day" and so I have. While there is still chaos in my life, I have been able to (finally) wrap my head around the situation (mostly) and putting one foot in front of the other has become easier. Life is progressing and I'm trying each day to clear my path little by little. I'm blogging again. That's a good sign, right?

I have started to bring my weight loss efforts back to the top of my priority list. While it still won't be number one until jobs come back into the picture and we are more financially stable, it is no longer buried at the bottom of the heap of issues to be dealt with. Yesterday, that included some healthier food choices: 1.5 liters of water, egg white omelet with veggies, plain non-fat yogurt with chopped almonds and honey, small glass of orange juice, side salad with dinner, small bowl of fresh berries, and a snack-sized McFlurry at McDonalds (to satisfy a week-long craving). While I did indulge with a burger and a few fries at our local Red Robin (sooooo good! 1st burger in months!), I felt good overall in my decisions throughout the day. Definitely a step up from the cookie-and-pretzel feasts I've been having off and on for a month now.

This morning, I did 2 things towards living a healthier lifestyle... the first was catching up on my blog reading. I have found so much inspiration, support, and comfort (and more than a few laughs and tears) within the electronic pages of blogs. I realized, as I read entry after entry, how much reading (and writing) blogs meant to me and how much of a positive effect they have on so many aspects of my life (more on this in a minute). I must find a way to work both the reading and writing back into my schedule asap.

The second was making myself a healthy brunch (as it really was too late to call it breakfast). I chopped up some fresh mushrooms and a fresh tomato from my neighbor's garden, scrambled them up with some egg whites and a sprinkling of shredded cheese. Yum!! Added to that... a Thomas' Light Multi-Grain English Muffin (such a great value!) with a little Pumpkin Spice Cream Cheese (thank you Gina!) and a small glass of orange juice. I'm now snuggled up in bed next to my napping son (he's not feeling very well and needs Mommy), sipping my coffee (Highland Grog flavor with Splenda, Coffee-Mate Sugar Free Vanilla Caramel creamer and a little Silk PureAlmond almond milk) and writing this. Feeling full, warm, and happy. :)

By the way, the reason I'm writing about name brands (with links to the products) is because these are products I use almost every day, that I believe in, and that I want to share with you. I have received nothing for these endorsements. They are purely from me by me to you.

The Pumpkin Spice Cream Cheese recipe is from one of my favorite sites: Gina's Skinny Recipes. Whether you're on Weight Watchers, looking for healthy recipes, or just want to make something tasty, this is an excellent site!! I have found recipes that my whole (picky) family will eat, including a meatball recipe with spinach that even my son will gobble down. Mr. Non-Veggie and Little Mr. Non-Veggie (i.e hubby and son) both like these recipes and for me, that's a total WIN!

I spoke earlier about inspiration from blogs. Below I'm linking three blog posts that I read this morning; each of which have spoken directly to me in regards to, not just weight loss, but my life in general. These posts are (imho) powerful and bring clarity to areas of my life that have felt very convoluted lately. I have bookmarked them, so I can return over and over again when I may feel down or scattered or otherwise off-track. I know this is only three and I expect to add more to this list over time. For now, I really wanted to share them with you. I hope they will touch you as deeply.

     * Mrs. Fatass - Time For a Comeback - Finding your "second wind".

     * Seattle Runner Girl (via guest blog at Shrinking Kenz's All the Weigh) - Motivation vs Determination - There is a difference.


      * Loretta (Rettakat) - So What's Wrong With Hard? - Never said it was gonna be easy...


Well, that's it for now. I'm hoping my next blog will include an update on hubby and I finally getting our YMCA membership. Woohoo! The Y is wonderful and is working with us through their Financial Assistance. My wonderful mother-in-law will be covering the monthly fee. If all goes well, I'll be back in a pool within a month, swimming laps for the first time in 7 years. With my recent diagnosis of plantar fasciitis (heel spur) in my left foot, my dreams of running are (for the moment) all but gone, so I'm pinning my hopes on swimming laps. I take finding my old size 16 one-piece swimsuit as a good sign (it barely fits, but it's wearable).

My family already has plans to get me back into Weight Watchers as soon as the first job is landed here at home, so please say some prayers for us. I'm hoping to wrangle $13 out of what we have and go to a meeting, if anything to just get an official weigh in. My home scale is saying I'm around 228-229, but it's not the most accurate. Besides, it'd feel really good to be back at a meeting, especially this time of year.

Until then, I'm going to try and post more often. Blogs and blogging are so very key in my continuing success in both weight loss and keeping my sanity. (only 1/2 kidding on that last point) I hope to write again soon.

Ok, really going now. Son is up from nap and it's time for some Mommy-Son time in the playroom! Thank you again for reading. :)

~Heather

Day 121 - A Moment in Time

As dinner cools on the stove top and dessert bakes in the oven, I am reminded of the many blessings I have in my life. I know that no matter what paths life decides (or I decide) to journey along, I am incredibly blessed.

Dinner tonight was Chicken Pot Pie. No extravagant gourmet version; not even made from a light recipe. I did use a can of light Cream of Mushroom soup, but the can of Cream of Potato was just a regular can of soup. The milk was 1% and there are a ton of veggies in it. No bottom crust; just a smattering of canned biscuits on top.

I seem to choose healthier options without thinking about it, so I guess it's healthier than the norm. Hooray for good habits? :)

Overall, it's simple, hot, filling, and (most importantly) made from everything we already had in the kitchen. The dish is already a staple in this house during the winter and sounded perfect for this cool autumn evening.

It was dessert that prompted me to write this blog post. The pot pie was cooking in the oven as I peeled and sliced up some fresh apples for the Maple Apple Crisp. The apples had been picked just minutes before by my hubby (with the help of our son) from the apple tree in our backyard and I couldn't wait to put this dish together!

For me, the true moment of inspiration came when I stopped for a minute to look out the kitchen window. There I saw my hubby and son picking apples together; picking them from the tree... gathering up the ones that fell... deciding which ones to go into the "Keep" box and which ones needed to be put into the "Yard Trash" bag. It was a moment that could only warm my heart and bring some much-needed peace to my soul; a moment that I will treasure for all of my life. Something so simple as the two of them picking apples... but isn't that true of all pure and simple things?

I wish things didn't have to change. I wish I didn't have to face leaving all of this behind, but life is about change. Change brings growth and I know there will be more moments in the future; more moments I will treasure... that will bring peace and happiness. I just wish I knew they could be here.

For now, I will put that last thought out of my head. Tonight is date night! I have 2 testosterone-fueled movies on hold at the local redbox (Prince of Persia and Clash of the Titans; rent 1 get 1 free deal), warm homemade maple apple crisp with low-fat sugar-free vanilla ice cream (gotta have some a la mode action!) ready to go, a wonderful husband to share it with, and a fantastic mom who will be taking care of the bath-and-bedtime routine with our son. It's a gorgeous cool autumn night and (thanks to my incredible mother-in-law) the bills are paid up-to-date. For a moment, I can relax and breathe. For a moment, all is right and good in my world. For a moment...


May your moments bring you as much joy as mine have today. I wish you all the best!

~Heather

Day 116 - To Boldly Go...

As I write this blog... so long overdue... I am watching “Star Trek.” Envisioned and created by Gene Roddenberry in the early 1960s, the version I am currently enamored with is the newest installment in the franchise. Brazenly restructured by the magnificent J.J. Abrams, it truly has earned its place within the Star Trek mythos. Simply said... I LOVE this movie!!!

The reason I open with this is that 1) I really do love this movie and 2) it has reminded me of where I am in my life, what has come before and what is going to be. You see, what J.J. did was to completely change the whole timeline in the first 10 minutes of the movie... back-stories rewritten, pivotal moments wiped and replaced... everything changed in the blink of an eye. He did this while keeping true to the important specifics, spirit, personalities, and quirks of the series, but anything that happens from this point on in the Star Trek universe will be forever altered by this movie.

So goes this movie; so goes my life. Some things are the same, but some are changing forever and in a big way. Some have been changing slowly, but... like the movie... most are changing in the blink of an eye and my life (and the lives of my family) will never be the same.

I have written and rewritten this blog post several times over the last couple of months; each time changing, tweaking, updating... The posts ranged from bright and bubbly to downright scary, angry dark. I've been on this crazy roller-coaster and now... now... well, I'm still on the roller-coaster, but I'm using this moment to get a handle on things, so to speak. At least as well as I can. I need to grab onto what I know works, steady myself, and (slowly) piece together this chaotic, splintered existence which is my life. Well, maybe it's not quite that bad. Still...

While I won't be laying out my memoirs here (you'll just have to wait for the book in 20 years), I will bring clarity to the vague blog messages I have posted here and there over the last month or so. I think you deserve something of an explanation and I need to get this in black-and-white, if only to help me accept and move forward. So, here we go...

There really isn't a good way to spin this and my brain is so mushy these days, I can't seem to come up with a light and breezy way to put this, so I hope you'll forgive my bluntness. My family is broke. None of us seem to be able to get a job for anything and now we're at a point where we have to decide every month whether to pay the mortgage (and keep a roof over our heads) or pay our bills (and keep the creditors off our backs). 3 adults + 1 child existing on 1 unemployment check. That's it. No savings, no assets of any real value to sell, very few options. Next week, we'll be applying for food stamps; something we've been avoiding for months. We'll keep applying for jobs, but in the meantime, we're going to have to learn to navigate the “system” of being below the poverty level.

For those that have never been there, the way the mere thought of this kills the spirit is immeasurable. It is beyond humbling. It's humiliating, degrading, and scary. The system is not set up in a way where you can work towards slowing emerging from it. Either you're in or you're out. It's that simple. You can't be in school and get benefits. You can't earn more than a pittance from a part-time job or your benefits are cut off. There are no gray areas in the figures. There is no mercy, no compassion... The system is set up (or at least feels like it is set up) to assume you're cheating it somehow, yet those that know how to work it can cheat easily, screwing those that come into it on an honest level. If you think dealing with banks or insurance companies are bad, try dealing with a state so badly in debt that no provider associated with the system wants to help you (especially with the medical side) as they probably won't get paid. It's not fun.

I do not write this to garner sympathy or to illicit donations. The ONLY reasons I write this are:

1. To lay out one of my biggest sources of stress and emotional upheaval, so that you can understand what I'm up against and why I've made many of the choices I've made recently (more on these later) in terms of my weight loss journey and in terms of my family. Talk about changing strategies...
2. To vent just a little. Keeping all of this inside... putting on a happy face... has been extremely tough. I try to cry when I'm alone, but I'm an emotional person and there are cracks in my “happy-strong” persona so big you could drive a Mac truck though them. I need an outlet to help keep me on a more even keel. Blogging is going to be a big part of that.

This one (overwhelming) change has led my family to another change; another scary journey into the unknown. A change that I never, ever expected to have in my life. My hubby, in an effort to save us, is joining the Army. Tomorrow, he leaves for our regional MEPS (military entrance processing station). When he returns on Tuesday, we will be a military family. He will then attend basic training in the spring, job training in the summer, and stationed wherever the Army wants him. Our little guy and I will follow him at some point (to be determined later). A minimum of 4 years... deployments... moves... a whole new world to learn... even a new way of speaking and thinking (everything seems to be in acronym form).

My main concern is with our son. He's 3 and deals with having Sensory Processing Disorder and Autism. It took him over a month just to get used to his new bath tub when we moved into our house. If anything truly scares me about this change, it's how he'll react to all of this; daddy being gone for months at a time, different houses, different schools, different people coming in and out of his life... Will all of this help him or hurt him? I don't know and that is scary. 

By making this decision, we are giving up a life that I had always wanted... a good house with a large yard and play area for our child; a large wonderful group of friends that know and care about us; immediate and extended family only a quick drive away, getting together on holidays or whenever we felt like. Our son would grow up with his grandmas right there, going to school with friends he'll have known for years, living in the same home... safe, comfortable, familiar, predictable (very important for kids with SPD and Autism). 

Heck, this is something I've wanted... needed... desired my whole life! My family was moved around due to my dad switching jobs every 4-5 years and I HATED it. It took me years to find my place in things (friends, cliques, groups, etc) thanks to my own SPD. Once I'd finally settled in and found a happy balance, we'd move again. Never near relatives or anyone we knew. Over and over... first with my family, then my ex-hubby... This home that we moved into last year was my dream; my family all together, looking forward to years of quiet domesticity. Now, to save my family, I must let it go. I must let go... Easier said than done to be sure.

Before wrapping this up, I will touch upon my weight loss journey... due to our financial situation, I have had to cancel both my Weight Watchers and gym memberships. I know I have gained some weight back due to poor food choices (I'm a big-time emotional eater!), yet I don't want to weigh myself on my scale at home (it's not accurate). I know I need to choose food more wisely, motivate myself to exercise in some way, and recapture that inner spark I had a few months ago in making this a priority. But, my first decision has been to stop beating myself up about what I'm doing badly and allow myself to take small steps here and there to pull my emotional self together. This blog post, while a long time coming, is one of those steps. I've known that I needed to get this laid out as a first step. So, here it is.

I have not given up. I have had to push it down the to-do list a little bit while I deal with other things. That's all. Hubby and I have already talked about working out together in preparation for his basic training. Heck, this may end up being just what I needed to become an exerciser. Guess we'll see.

So, there it is, my friends. Not a tremendous amount of detail, but enough for you to know what the heck has been going on with crazy ol' me. This blog is changing and will soon reflect more than weight loss. It will reflect my life as a military mom of a special needs child, wife to a soldier husband, and a woman who will be looking for balance, peace, strength, and permanent weight loss. I hope you will stick with me on this journey through life. I promise... it won't be boring.

Live long, and prosper...

~Heather

Day 107 - The Times They Are A-Changin'

I'm in the process of setting up a plan... exercise... an alternative to my lost Weight Watchers... I'm close, but this may take a little longer than I expected. A new variable has entered the equation of my life that I really didn't see coming; something that could up-end everything in my life. The upsides of this are as drastic as the downsides. While I'm not ready to reveal any specific details right now, I will clarify this much:

- I am not pregnant.
- This deals with my husband's search for employment.
- No decisions have yet been made.

In the meantime, I continue to try and dig deep, seeking within for motivation and drive to not destroy all of the good work I've done while pushing myself even more to make good decisions. I know when the dust settles, I will be stronger for this period of time. For now, I will continue to keep the spark burning until I'm able to stoke up the flames and take this journey by storm!

It'll happen... one step at a time...

~H.

Day 105 - Get Ready...!

Hi everyone. Yeah, I know; long time no see. Well, I'm hoping that will change soon. For now, the blog bug was biting and I decided to put fingers to laptop keys and get this down on electronic paper; quite a strong need, I guess. To say things have been tough around here is a gross understatement, so I may drop some depressing tidbits here and there through my posts. I hope you will understand, as I have come to over the last several months of blogging. This blog was started by me to help me. I'm not here to depress or cause anxiety, but I do know that by blogging, I'm able to “work s**t out” as the saying goes. So, here I am, writing again, trying to clear my head a little of the cotton-candy cobwebs and put myself in some kind of order. If I don't, I know I'll just slide down a very nasty slope of guilt, depression, and weight gain.

I can't allow that.

Not any more.

I'm coming back. Watch out!

~H. :)

Day 97 - Just A Quick Note

Hi everyone!

I hope your holiday weekend has been fun and forgiving. I know the food temptations have been a little rough, but I think I've managed to avoid most of the portion pitfalls I've fallen into before. I'll find out tomorrow at Weigh In.

I actually have a couple of posts I meant to finish this weekend and post before now, but this weekend has been a tremendous roller-coaster ride (to say the least) and I haven't been able to get myself together enough to finish them. I'll get them wrapped up sometime this week and post them.

This week is going to be terribly stressful, possibly even life-changing. I can't go into details, but by next week, things in my life could be very different. All I can hope for are positive changes. All I can do is pray... and so I shall.

May you have a wonderful and positive week, my friends. You'll be hearing from me again soon. :)

~Heather

Oh, another quick note... Went to a concert yesterday and picked up a traditional tour shirt. What made this special was this was a regular XL and it fit perfectly!!! Just an amazing feeling! I just had to share. :)

Day 93 - Today's Motto

I wish I could eat cheese and bread, but I'll eat a small baked potato and broccoli instead. 

I wish I could eat ice cream and chocolate, but I'll eat some low fat yogurt and a banana instead. 

I wish I could be thin and healthy, but I will never reach my goal by wishing alone. So, I will do what is necessary to achieve my goal instead.

Day 91 - Figures and Goals for the Rest of 2010

Weigh In Day was today. After a crazy 8lb gain showed up on the scales last week, I was relieved to see a 6.2lb loss. Makes me think that the sodium-laden meal (light as it was) that I ate 30 minutes before last week's weigh-in skewed the numbers a bit. I'm taking today's weigh as an overall loss (probably about a pound or so) and, even better, seeing this as life's wake-up call to start making healthier choices again... which I have done the last few days. Yay me? Yeah... yay me!

Once again, the hubby, our son, and I piled into the ol' family van and headed for the walking trail; this time without nearly so much sighing and rolling of eyes. Dinner was phenomenal, so we ended up getting out later than we should have, so the walk wasn't quite as long. Still, we worked up a bit of a sweat and had a fun time.

Coming out of this past "low moment" has made me review the goals I had set out for myself for this year in terms of weight loss and health. I think we all start out a new year with hope and optimism, but by now, we're getting skiddish... nervous... fearful... that those goals won't be met, that we'll fail again in some way. I know I am. So, since we're starting a brand-new shiny month (and the beginning of my favorite season of the year!), I'm taking the words of my dear blogging friend Deb over at Deb Will Be Free to heart...  

"Regardless of how we feel, how much or little motivation we have, lets hit September HARD!" 

I agree, so to kick-start the remaining 4 months of the year off right, I'm posting my goals, revised and otherwise, here for ya'll to see. As cathartic as my post the other day was to help me pull my efforts back together, so I hope that by posting my goals here will help me push myself a little harder in achieving those goals.

I'm in "No Man's Land" right now, ladies and gents. My weight is at the lowest it's ever been since I past the 200lb+ mark back in 1993. I don't really remember what it was like to shop for a size that didn't start with a '2'. I was never seen as a "skinny girl" even when I was 135lbs as a freshman in high school, so I have no idea what that feels like at all. I'm working towards a goal where the only thing I know is the number on the scale. It's actually a bit scary when I think about it. It also makes it more difficult for me as I'm usually the type to shy away from totally unknown things; too shy and too easily freaked out. I feel like a person entering a dark cave with no flashlight and no knowledge of what lies within. I know that there will be pinholes of sunlight here and there. I will meet people who have entered the cave ahead of me and can give me their description of what I may find along the way. I know there is a light at the end of the cave tunnel and that light will come from a land I have never been in. All I can say is that there better be good sushi and dark chocolate there!

Ok... my goals at the beginning of the year we're pretty simple...

1) Lose 30+ lbs and reach 199 or less by December 31st.
2) Walk the WW 5K (Did that! Yay!)
3) Work towards making exercise/activity a regular part of my life on a consistent basis.

That was pretty much it. Simple, right? Well, #2 worked out better than I could hope for! I shocked myself with that one. So awesome! As for the rest, it's been harder than I thought. I've been dealing with a tremendous amount of stress, some of which I never saw coming. Really thrown me for some loops to be sure. But, I keep rising up out of the ashes and plugging away at them. Persistence? Maybe... I just am not willing to fail at this anymore. I've been fighting every physical, mental, and emotional obstacle that I've been hit with and I can say now that in the past 8 months, my approach to weight loss has changed so dramatically that I don't think I could go back to the way I was before even if I tried. I believe that is the most positive point to date! So, where do I go from here? Let's look at the numbers for reaching Goal #1...

Current Weight: 226.6
Goal Weight (by 12/31/10): 199
Amount of weight needed to lose to reach goal: 27.2
Number of Weeks left until 12/31/10: 17
Average number of pounds to lose each week: 1.6
Average number of pounds lost per week since May 2009: 0.5

As you can see, I have my work cut out for me. I will have to push myself harder than I have been and overcome a number of challenges... Holiday eating... lack of weekly meetings (though I do have a "Plan B" I'm working on)... other matters that I won't discuss here. It's going to be a challenge for sure, but one I'm working on every day. As my hubby says "This is an achievable goal." I can will achieve it! One step at a time...

In the next couple of weeks, the daily patterns around here are going to change dramatically, so for now my plan is to just keep making good choices food and water-wise, keep attending meetings until my membership expires, get back into the gym at least a couple of times per week, keep getting out with my family (or on my own) on those days when the weather is good, and plot my new strategies as I'm able to. By the end of September, those changes and strategies should be pretty well established and then the real work begins. Until then, I shall be like a reed in the wind and do my best.

I leave you today with this thought...

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” ~ Maria Robinson

Until next time, my friends,

~Heather 

Day 90, part 2 - This Little Light of Mine...

After posting yesterday... yeah, I know, it was a dark and stormy post... I have to admit I felt better. Something cathartic about getting one's demons out on... well... electronic paper? Yeah, close enough.

Anyway... I started tracking my food and ended up keeping within my daily points, even with friends over. We chowed down on fresh veggies and fruit with a little hummus and low fat, whole wheat pita bread. So yummy!

I also chose to gather up the hubby and son, nearly forcing them into the car, and headed off for the nearby community college's walking path. The weather had cooled off a bit and the sun was setting as we walked the mile path together. My son ran back and forth, saying hi to every passerby. Even my hubby told me afterwards that he enjoyed our time out together. It was wonderful!

I ran a little with my son without killing my foot too badly, so I'm beginning to think I could try to run again, just not on the treadmill. I don't think I get the right stride when I'm trying to run within a set treadmill pace. I'll have to experiment soon...

And my water consumption rocked! 8 glasses of plain water over and above anything else I had to drink. Did the same things today too! It just feels good to have found a little more strength to keep going, not that I can see myself giving up for good. As the commercials say, I'm worth it!

Well, tomorrow is Tuesday and that means WW Weigh In Day for me. One of my last weekly weigh-ins. But, I'm feeling positive as I work out some free alternative plans and one day, when my current situation works itself out, I'll be right back in those meetings every week. Until then, I shall live by the immortal words of Tim Allen from the movie 'Galaxy Quest':

"Never give up! Never surrender!" 

Damn right! :)

~Heather

p.s. I totally want to go to a Zumba class now after seeing the video on this blog post from Kreating Kristen! I have to get a YMCA membership soon and go!

Day 90, part 1 - Friend Makin' Mondays

Kenz over at All The Weigh is hosting "Friend Makin' Mondays" today (well, yesterday actually, but who's counting?) and I decided to join in on the fun. :)  Below, I've "filled in the blanks" with a little info about myself just for you lucky people to read. Ok, that's what the little voice on her blog told me to do and you know how I am about following little voices. So, onto the fun part of our program, boys and girls! Oh, and don't forget to visit Kenz and all of the other participants of FMM.


I like... people who are willing to look past the outside image or assumptions and get to know me better before making any judgments. I'm not always what I appear to be.

I don't like... close-minded people. If you're not willing to at least admit there's a possibility that another view exists, we have nothing to talk about.

I love... to see my son happy. He lights up a room when he's in a good mood. :)

I dream of... so many things...

I wonder... what my son will be like as a man. I hope he'll be a good one; hope I've taught him well...

I know... I can do more than I'm pushing myself to do now. It's just hard...

I went... to GenCon for vacation/anniversary this year; my hubby's first time and my first time since 2003. Felt soooooooo goooooood to be back amongst fellow gamers again! Almost like coming home after being away at college.

I have... everything I need in life but financial security.

I think... waaaaaay too hard about everything. Some days, I just wish I could lighten up... then the control freak takes back over.

I plan... on never fully growing up... Better believe I'm a Toys 'R Us kid. :)

I regret... nothing... or at least I try not to. I believe that everything I've done up to now has brought me to this place in my life. If I was to change anything, I wouldn't be me with my family and friends, my cakes and blogging. I wouldn't want to lose these for anything.

I do... pay attention to detail; sometimes so much, I tick people off. It's not on purpose, I swear!

I drink... only on occasion and not much as I'm quite the lightweight.

I wish... for peace, both within and out. Still seems so far out of reach...

I am... strange, silly, and a bit difficult to deal with at times.

I am not... the stuck-up person most people assume I am. I'm just terribly shy, even around people I've known for years; a difficulty I've tried for years to overcome.

I need... more reassurance than I care to admit.

I graduated... high school, but not college. While trying to go to school, my first marriage fell apart and so did my school career. One day I hope to return and complete a degree, but probably not for a few years.

I hope... to travel through the world one day. I want to see all of the wonders of the world, both famous and hidden before I die or the world destroys itself.

I want... to be a better mom and to work in a field that makes people happy.

I sometimes... pretend I can sing and do so along with some pretty silly dance moves. Usually at 3am when I'm going cross-eyed working on a cake or when I'm really stressed or happy.

I always... get excited when autumn finally shows up! I love the autumn and holiday seasons more than any other time of the year.

I can... get angry quickly when someone/something presses my buttons the wrong way. Whether I hold my tongue or not depends on the situation as I do not cause "scenes" whenever possible.

I work... hard at keeping my family and household running smoothly. Doesn't always work, but I try.

I cannot... bear the thought of losing my son. I pray every day that he'll be healthy and safe. Every fiber of my being is constantly scared of this, maybe because of my previous miscarriages and later losses.

I avoid... friend/enemy drama. Can't stand it! I try to relate to everyone on whatever levels work best for me and don't get involved or in the middle of "Hate him/hate her" crap. Sometimes, that means I don't see people for stretches of time, but I still consider them my friends.

I will... continue to try and be a better person and work towards becoming everything I want to be.

Day 89 - Rough Patches are a Bitch

I had a moment last night; one of those that some call a "reality check." It hurt... a lot...

I know I shouldn't let moments like this deter me from moving forward on this journey. I know I shouldn't, but right now, it's very hard. I'm fighting an internal battle with myself on a number of fronts, trying to put forth the happy face people are more comfortable with, enjoying the "you look fantastic" compliments. I mean, come on... I've lost over 35lbs (this past weigh-in be damned). I do look better, especially to people who don't get to see me very often. But, late last night as I was finishing up my evening routine before bed, I caught a good look at my body in my full-length mirror. No tight clothes to suck in the rolls, no baggy short to cover the bulges. Just me in my birthday suit... and I cried. Not much, just a couple of tears. But still...

It was the source of those tears that really bothered me. Here I am, blogging about "getting it", about understanding the who, what, where, why, and how of weight loss, about trudging through the physical, mental, and emotional obstacles of losing weight and being healthier... Right now, I feel like a fraud. Those nasty little voices are having a field day in my mind and I once again find myself fighting them off, telling them to go to hell and whatnot. Days like this...perky gets on my nerves. heh.

What I saw in the mirror... and please forgive me if this goes into the territory of TMI, but I need to talk about it... what I saw in the mirror disgusted me... completely... and it was me.

Dagger... heart... twist...

The double stomach roll is the worst... the squishy lump of loose skin and fat deposit above my navel; the saggy, fatty tire below that sags down so far, it almost covers my... um... well... nether regions. Just gross...

Add to it my legs, especially my thighs. These would make a turkey farmer at Thanksgiving drool with money-green envy. Cut them off, season and roast on a spit, then slice like gyro meat. They could feed a small impoverished third-world country. Disgusting...

My rear end... well... just too big. I'll leave the cottage cheese-filled remarks in my head.

I feel ugly, plain and simple. I feel like I'm lying to myself when I say I'm looking better. I cringe inside when people tell me how good I look or use the dreaded "I" word... inspiration. I'm not inspiring. Inspiring people do well. They stay on plan 9 days out of 10, not 2 days out of 30. They do what needs to be done, even if they're not in the mood. They're happy overall and usually seem to find the silver lining in most situations. They're in control, committed, and willing to put the effort into their journeys each day.

Me... I'm struggling to believe that the 7-point, healthy breakfast I ate today was 1) a great choice and 2) can be the start of a healthy choice streak. I just need to continue making those kind of choices. I need to believe that I can do this.

I'm also looking at having to cancel Weight Watchers due to monetary concerns. I have been going since May 2009 and have been more successful that I have ever been... not because of the pounds I've lost, but that I've stuck with this journey longer that ever before. My way of thinking about weight loss has completely changed and I know I rely on my weekly meetings sooooooo much! They help me to feel good about my progress and bolster me when I need rescuing. I have made it this far in large part because of those meetings. Unfortunately... another reality check... the money just isn't there. While I do have a free "Plan B", it doesn't include the in-person group support that's I joined WW for, that's kept me going.

I'll admit... I'm scared... Scared of reverting back to bad habits I worked so hard to break; scared of gaining all of the weight back and then some. Most of all, I'm scared of failing... again...

I have all of the tools I need to drop this excess weight, to change (and improve) all of those areas on my body that disgust me, to be successful... meetings or no meetings... I have everything I need...

Except motivation. Somehow, someway, I need to dig very, very deep once again and find that motivation, that spark that will push me forward, no matter what my situation is. I have never been successful going along this journey alone. Guess it's time to change that... one choice at a time...

~Heather

Day 86 - No beginning, no end

Tuesday was Weigh In Day at my Weight Watchers meeting. It was... to say the least... shocking. Up 8 pounds?! In two weeks?! I'm seriously thinking salt-related fluid retention has a big part to play in this. I know my choices haven't been their best lately, but that just seems... inflated... somehow. Ah well, didn't help that I ate a small, yet high sodium meal less than an hour prior to weigh in. Yeah, yeah, I know. Dumb move on my part to be sure. For me, that shows me where my weight loss priorities are currently; not high enough on my inner "To Do Now" list. Time to take stock in those priorities and get moving in a more positive direction.

I know I could blame it on my recent vacation, my annoying cold, how busy I've been... I could come up with a good half-dozen solid excuses as to why I haven't been tracking, haven't been exercising, haven't been making better food choices. I could even start saying "Ok, time to get back on the wagon and start again" but that wouldn't be accurate. I wouldn't be starting again. Why? Because I never stopped.

Even with the not-so-healthy choices, the binge eating, the lack of tracking/exercising/self-control, this journey is not about starting and stopping. It's about living... day to day... choice by choice. It doesn't stop because of a few "bad" weeks. It doesn't re-start by choosing a salad over a loaded baked potato. Every decision, every choice is just one step on your journey.

Hmmm... let me put it this way... I see life as a tapestry. Each choice I make is a thread in that tapestry. Every event, every moment I experience is a thread, woven together over time, creating the story that is my life so far. Each detail... from food to marriage to my son to every smile I've smiled and every tear I've shed... makes up the overall look of that tapestry. The tapestry just goes on and on. The only time it started was the moment I was born. The only time it will end will be the day I die. Everything else, whether I'm "on plan" or not just becomes one more detail, one more thread in the tapestry.

How does this relate to weight loss? Bear with me...

I've been reading a number of blogs lately and it seems to be going around; the "bad days/weeks/etc", the pain and difficulties of life, the crappier end of the stick so to speak. It's going around, oh yes, even in my life. My heart goes out to each and every one who is experiencing a rough time. I wish I could round all of us up, have several 2-point Baja Bob Sugar Free margaritas, some low-fat ice cream, and a hell of a lot of hugs. Misery may love company, but I think time with supportive friends can help kick Misery to the curb, even if for only a short while. If you're one of those having a bitch of a time recently, consider yourself hugged from me. :)

Getting back to the topic at hand... tough times... even the truly hideous ones... are a part of each person's tapestry, a part of your life. I've seen so many people (myself included) blogging about "starting over again." But that doesn't happen. It can't. Something was mentioned in my Weight Watchers meeting on Tuesday... the diet mentality. We are, as a "dieting" culture, so brainwashed into thinking of losing weight and getting healthy in terms of a "time" frame; either we're dieting or we're not. Even when we take it one choice at a time, there's still this underlying, subconscious belief that eating healthy, exercising, tracking... when we do all of these things that we're "on plan" / on the right path / being good. But, if we eat poorly, don't exercise, don't track or portion, we're "off plan" / off the path / being bad and that we have start over again. This idea, this knowledge has led me to conclude the following:

True life-long weight loss cannot be achieved until the concept of weight loss is completely banished from one's mind. It must be seen (and believed) as acts taken to achieve good overall (and life-long) health.

As steps are taken to achieve a healthy body, mind and spirit, the weight loss will occur, the "wagon" mentality (on or off) will fade away, and a greater sense of peace with the process should take hold. This brings the process down to a series of on-going choices without the negative pressure of needing to be perfect; the wretched "I've had a bad day (i.e. I'm a bad person today), so I'll start again (i.e. I'll be a good person) tomorrow."

At least that's the incredibly philosophical theory...

Wow, where the heck did all of that come from?? Whew, my brain hurts now.

So, I am looking at my choices today and I can see what I did to help my body become healthier and where I took in more than my body needed. Overall, I think I chose fairly well, but I do need more veggies and fruit. Maybe a late night baked potato with broccoli and a banana is in order.

I will be keeping my water intake up like I have been the last day or so. I'm feeling confident in that area.

In terms of exercise, I did feel well enough to get to the grocery store, so I did walk/shop for an hour today. It's a start.

Even though it's getting late, I am starting work on another cake for a friend's birthday this weekend. I believe I'm in the right frame of mind to deal with all of the temptations associated with this. Good way to start the weekend. :)

I leave you with this thought...  "Don't let the fear of the time it will take to accomplish something stand in the way of your doing it.  The time will pass anyway; we might just as well put that passing time to the best possible use."  ~Earl Nightingale

Good night, my friends...

~Heather

Day 84 - Well, That Didn't Work Very Well...

Wow... What can I say? Um... Haven't been doing so well the last week or three. Ugh, let's be honest, I've let everything go over the last month. Everything... no exercise, eating everything and anything, no tracking. Yeah, I know. Not good. While not an excuse by any means, I've dealt with both the highs of a vacation and some lows I won't go into here. Now, I'm working through an annoying cold, so my diet includes a lot of juice which is not very easy on the points. Ugh.

So, where do I go from here? Good question...

Well, to start, I'm not giving up. Giving up isn't an option as this isn't a diet. This journey is a part of my life, not a temporary "fix." I'm not giving up this food or that food so I can lose weight, only to revert back to my former eating habits and food choices once that goal is accomplished. This isn't a race. This is about making one choice at a time and accepting the results of those choices. This is about finding balance between my food addictions and a healthier lifestyle; something I am still working on.

For now, I'm going to use a piece of advice that have always worked for me. I'm going to choose three things... three goals... three good choices... and focus on those for the week. As I'm fighting a cold, these may not be my preferred choices, but there are a start; a way to get back on plan... back to losing weight and being healthy.

So, for this week, my goals are:

- 1) Track what I eat. I'm not going to include points, just what foods I eat.

- 2) Water / liquids. I'm going to get at least 10 cups of non-caffeinated liquid per day to keep hydrated.

- 3) Go to my Weight Watchers meeting. I'll weigh in and accept whatever numbers come up. The numbers are a guideline, not a definition of who I am, right? :)

Ok, that's it for now. Weigh In is in two hours, so I'll be back later with an update. Thanks for sticking with me. :)

~Heather

Day 74 - Getting Back On Plan... Tomorrow

Back... I'm back... I'm back in the saddle again... Well, I will be as of tomorrow. No, really, I will be. I need to be. The pizza (3/4 of a medium veggie) demands it! My inner voice demands it! My scale demands it!

*sigh*

Overall, my vacation choices were not horrific and I walked everywhere... miles and miles. I'm not sure what the results were as Tuesday's Weigh In didn't happen. Nope, not this week. One car died completely and the other was in use. Between the cars and my migraine, I did not make it to my regular meeting. I'm hoping for a good showing this coming Tuesday, but we'll see.

My choices this past week have not been the best, especially tonight. I recognize the pattern of emotional eating I have been caught in for the last few weeks and I'm having to dig deep to emerge from it. Not easy... not easy at all. I want the turmoil, the uncertainty, the fear... I want it all to go away. I am so tired of fighting for every little scrap and shred of goodness for my family to keep us afloat; of finally getting to a point where I think I can breathe again and start trying to get ahead, only to have a shoe or three drop. Tired of the 1-ton weight dropping from the sky to crush everything I've worked for. I'm so tired of being scared all the time...

Wow... that was a bit unexpected. I try not to share this negativity here. I usually try to focus on the positives, to lift my spirits at the end of a hard day. But, this blog is more than just about weight loss. It is about my life and this is a part of it, so I will let it stay in print.

I know that my days of positive choices have not ended. They are only beginning... once again. I will start again tomorrow, knowing that it will happen. I am not perfect and that's ok. :)

~Heather

Day 67 - Freedom Challenge Final Update (On Vacay!)

Hi everyone! Although I am on vacation this week, I still wanted to make my final Freedom Challenge update and a little update on what's going on here. It was written yesterday, so technically it's for Day 66, but who's counting? ;)

Anyway, here it is and I'll try to post again soon!
~Heather

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Hi everyone! Well, the hubby and I are on vacation this week in Indianapolis and already having an amazing time! I would have posted earlier, but it's been go-go-go since last Thursday and I am only now finding a few moments to update. We arrived here in Indy yesterday, checked in to the convention, received our con goodies and badges, caught up with old friends, and then decided to have a simple dinner to celebrate our 4th wedding anniversary. The 97+ degree heat made a very convincing argument for keeping up with / restarting my 2 liter + per day water habit. As the heat will continue (though not to that icky extent), I shall continue to drink plenty of good ol' H2O while here!

I am also going to make an effort to keep any “vacation munching damage” to a minimum. As I am in the midst of a gaming convention, with all of the stereotypical gamer food trappings (burgers, pizza, nachos, chips, soda, etc), I have also been vigilant about scouting out healthier options. Being in the heart of Indy affords me a tremendous number of food options and I plan on taking full advantage of them. With my hubby's full support and understanding, I am able to choose places and meals that best fit into my goal... to keep any possible weight gain to a minimum and, if at all possible, to weigh in on Tuesday a little lighter than when I left.

By the way... weigh in on Tuesday was a bit of a shock as my food choices were not the best, my water intake was quite poor and my exercise non-existent. But it was also incredibly enlightening. I lost 2.4lbs and now weigh in at 224.8. I am currently at my lowest weight since 2000. Yes, that's a full decade since I've seen those numbers. Lemme tell ya, what a way to start a vacation! :)

The enlightening part of the whole WI process this week was in regard to my sodium intake. I have been watching very closely over the last few months to see what effect sodium has on my weigh ins and my results are staggering to me. I mean, I knew how sodium makes you retain water, blah blah blah.... but I seem to be particularly sensitive to it, especially in the 3-5 days prior to weigh in. The last three weigh ins where I have showed a gain I can easily contribute to eating higher sodium foods within a few days prior to weigh in, even when what I ate or how much I ate was within my points. This knowledge gives me confidence in knowing exactly what I need to do to continue showing consistent losses each week as well as peace of mind when I see a gain. Yep, more knowledge = feeling good. :)

Ok, onto my final Freedom Challenge Update!

Here we go...

My Goals:

1) To do some kind of organized exercise at least 4 days a week (gym, walking trails, video, etc.)
Well, definitely didn't get this done this past week. Heck, I didn't go to the gym at all! I did get plenty of activity going up and down the stairs at home, working on laundry, my to-do list, prepping for vacation. But the gym or any kind of organized activity? Not once this past week. Ah well, vacation this week is offering me miles upon miles of walking, so I'll definitely be gaining those activity points. :)

2) To work on one project on my To Do List per week.
Tons done and I still have a long list. Some days, it never seems to end. But this goal was easily accomplished this week and for the whole challenge.

3) To get a minimum of 6 hrs of sleep per night, especially during the week.
Another no go this week. 4 hours of sleep nearly every night this week; some of my own doing, some not. What I did learn from having this as a goal was to recognize when I'm really busy and when I'm just being lazy in front of the tv. Big difference and one I need to work on.

4) To drink 2 liters of plain water per day, regardless of any other drinks I imbibe.
Not sure what happened here, but this became so difficult I let it go by the wayside. Not proud of this, but for some reason, to drink water meant me nearly choking down a cup here and a cup there. Not even with some flavoring could I convince myself to drink more than a few cups a day. Since getting into Indianapolis for vacation yesterday, I've been drinking almost nothing but water. I can feel how dehydrated my body has become over the last week and it's making up for lost time.

5) To have 4 new "food adventures" during the challenge time period. This could include trying a new restaurant, making a new recipe, trying never-before-used ingredients, etc.
4 of 4 accomplished! Just by trying out new recipes for my cakes, trying out new decorating techniques, and making a couple of new dinner recipes, I easily surpassed my goal of four “adventures.” While I'm here on vacation, I plan to continue being adventurous while adding in the challenge of making those challenges as healthy as possible!

Well, that's everything for now. I may try out some video blog updates this week as a change of pace. Never tried those before, so it ought to be interesting! :) Stay tuned!

Until next time, dear friends... Always remember your successes and turn your “failures” into lessons. One step does not a journey make. :)

~Heather

Day 58 - Because Breakfast Is So Important...!

First, I have to confess that I just wasn't focused yesterday. I tried... oh, I how I did... but in the end, I just didn't make the best of choices all day. Still, I did manage to convince myself to drink as much water as I could...

That's me in my new sundress (small-cut xxl!) at our local college theater performance of Rent. It was an amazing show! During the intermission, they were selling cups of ice cream for $1. Oh, the temptation!! But then I saw how perfectly I fit into this dress (cotton, full-length, Grecian-style) and realized that not long ago, there's no way I could fit into a dress like this. It's long and only flowy at the bottom. Pretty straight up and down through the body and hips... and I fit into it!! No ice cream for me! Just another bottle of water and the choice felt great!

So, this morning, even with my busy schedule, I'm making sure to start the day off right with a great breakfast. Doesn't look like much in this pic, but it's a powerhouse of goodness!

2 cups of sliced veggies (mushrooms, spinach, cherry tomatoes, and a little green onion)[0] with a 1/4c Egg Beaters [1], a cup of Silk Almond Milk [1], and a Weight Watchers yogurt (Amaretto Cream) [1] with 1/2c Fiber One [0], 1/2c fresh blueberries [0.5], and 1/4c of the best low fat, no sugar added granola [2] I've ever found!

Total point value for the meal = 5.5
Total Good Health Guidelines met: 4 fruit/veggies, 2 milk, whole grain, 1 protein.

Oh yeah, good start indeed!

Be sure that I'm going to have a bottle of water next to me at all times today as I work on this weekend's cake orders, drinking my 67+oz by the time I head out for my friend's birthday party tonight. It's at a bar, so I need to be hydrated and full before I take one step out the door. I'm determined to make some great healthy choices today and make this week fantastic! I want to go into my vacation next week with a loss on the scale and the confidence I get from my good weeks. I know it's not a matter of luck. It's a matter of personal responsibility and only I can control my actions, my choices. That's what I'm going to do! :)

On a quick side note, I'm sending out birthday wishes to my darling son! I decided to become a mom, but God decided to send me an angel; a handsome and brilliant one at that. I have been blessed in so many ways by his presence in my life and am forever grateful. Happy birthday, baby. Thank you for letting me be your mom. :)

Till next time, dear friends! Stay strong, stay positive, stay you. :)

~Heather

Day 56 - Versatile Blogger Award and Challenge Updates

Weigh In Day today. I did show a slight gain which was not unexpected. Now, repeat after me... I will not eat salty chips the night before weigh in...  I will not eat salty chips the night before weigh in...

The next several days are going to be busy for me and I'm not sure if I'll be able to post much. It seems that the Mario cake I posted pics of on Saturday caused quite a stir and I am in the process of baking not one... not two... but three cakes! Two for friends and one for my own wonderful son. :) I am very excited to be granted the opportunity to make some very lucky people happy!

If you're interested in seeing more pictures of my cakes, check out my other blog... Raintree Cakes.

Ok, on to the Updates and Award!

Last week, Deb at Deb Will Be Free awarded me the Versatile Blogger Award. I am at once humbled and giddy with excitement over this! It seems The Versatile Blogger Award has the following conditions, so I will try to meet them below:

1. Thank the person who gave you the award: Again, a huge THANK YOU to Deb for passing this on to me!

2. Share seven things about yourself: Let's see...

- I have lived in six different states, Illinois being the longest stretch of time (21 years).

- I was previously married for 8 years.

- I love mixing milk and Coca Cola a la Laverne on Laverne and Shirley (which I used to watch all the time growing up).

- The only band I've ever obsessed about was Duran Duran. When I was young (in the 80s), I knew just about anything you could think of about the band. I didn't get to see them in concert until 2006.

- I won my first car in my high school graduation raffle; turquoise 1976 Monte Carlo with gray fake fur bench seats and hot pink pinstripe down the side. V8 monster of a car! My mom said the only thing she felt good about me having my own car was that I was surrounded by steel and would probably plow through anything I might hit.

- I used to be a theater geek; from very early in my life till college. I miss it...

- I love the ocean, especially in the Pacific Northwest!

3. Nominate fifteen newly discovered blogs: Wow... I'm so new at this myself, but I'll try and seek out as many new blogs as I can. Guess I need to get reading. :)

4. Let your nominees know about the award: As I send out the award, I'll be letting them know!

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Freedom Challenge & PEWC Update (see #4 for PEWC)

My Goals:

1) To do some kind of organized exercise at least 4 days a week (gym, walking trails, video, etc.)
Mission accomplished! 3 days in the gym and 1 in my friends' pool = 30 activity points!

2) To work on one project on my To Do List per week.
Wow, this was so easy to do as my To Do list just grew 10-fold! Yep, this one is good. :)


3) To get a minimum of 6 hrs of sleep per night, especially during the week.
Only about half of the week. I'm beginning to wonder how feasible this is for me right now. Still, I'm going to keep trying.


4) To drink 2 liters of plain water per day, regardless of any other drinks I imbibe.
This was the first week I didn't finish this (by one day). I'm bound and determined to keep this up as the effects have been amazing!


5) To have 4 new "food adventures" during the challenge time period. This could include trying a new restaurant, making a new recipe, trying never-before-used ingredients, etc.
I tried a new muffin recipe today... apple-carrot spice. So yummy and so very healthy! Only 2 points per muffin. Even better is the fact that my very picky son liked them too. :) 2 of 4 complete!


So, there we are for another Tuesday. I'll try and post as much as I can over the next several days during the mad flurry of cake decorating. Then, one more weigh in before VACATION!! :) :) More about that later.

Keep making each choice count and never give up! I believe in you!

~Heather