There and Back Again... A "Dieter's" Journey

The last few weeks have been a rollercoaster with me sabotaging myself every step of the way. At this point in my life, I can't use the excuse "But, it's that time of the month" or "But my child is sick" anymore. I know too much about how this weight loss game works (not everything, but enough) to let any cravings or mood swings get in my way. Sowwy, Charlie. No-go.

I avoided posting a weigh-in (home-based) the last week or so because of one simple reason: I gained. How much was fluid retention and how much was damage from my "Oh, what the hell..." attitude in terms of my food choices lately I don't know. All I do know is that I'm up on the scale and the guilt+frustration+giving in+lack of effort = vicious cycle of bad food choices+larger portions+weight gain which fuels the cycle all over again.

Hello. My name is Heather and I am a food addict.

That's actually a little difficult to say as I never thought of myself as an addict... at least not until recently. Well, the thought was there in the recesses of my mind, bouncing around like a tennis ball. On occasion, it would roll itself into the front of my consciousness and I would take a good, hard swing at it, sending it back into the shadows. It's not that I didn't believe that food could be an addiction or that I couldn't possibly be an addict myself. It was more along the lines of I didn't want to see myself as an addict. To be an addict means to be out of control, unable to help yourself, needing the assistance of others in a big way and a life-long battle to keep the addiction under control.

I'm so incredibly tired of fighting. I constantly see my life as a war with battles on many fronts. After so many years, battle fatigue has set in in the worst way and facing one more, near overwhelming, fight that will last the rest of my life is not something I ever wanted to deal with. I have enough going on (especially on the emotional front) that I don't need anything else; no more pain, stress or sacrifice, thank you.

But... no matter how much I stuff my face... no matter how much I try to eat and drink my negative emotions away... my stress, my exhaustion, my faults, my lack of self-esteem or confidence, my jealousies, my inner pains... I can't give up on myself. Not anymore; not since I started this journey two years ago. I can't let go of that spark, that tiny voice that speaks two very glaring truths: I Can Do It and I Am Worth It.

It took me 30 years to figure those small, yet vital pieces of information out. Thirty years to believe them completely. Two years ago, I decided to apply them to losing weight and gaining the healthy body/mind/spirit I've always wanted. I've never looked back. I may have cursed the knowledge from time to time (ignorance is bliss??), but have never regretted or given up on this. Not that it's made the struggle any easier...

If you read my last post, you know that I have been unable to push myself past the 220's. Ever. This is where I stumble and fall. This is where I give up. This is where I fail.

Not. This. Time.

I haven't talked about it much, but I have been glued to the current season of The Biggest Loser. This has been an important key in keeping my resolve (even in its smallest form) alive as well as finding new motivations and getting past smaller mental roadblocks. While I've never allowed myself to be a "fan" of the show before (too embarrassed and fearful people would make fun of me for liking it), this time around, I decided that if watching the show would help my efforts in any way, then it would be worth any negativity I might be shown. As I keep telling myself... "I'll be laughing last when I reach my goals." Whatever it takes... Biggest Loser, fumbling through workout classes or even doing some classic Richard Simmons vhs tapes from the late 80s/early 90s. Yeah, not exactly what I want to be seen doing, but, if it helps me reach my goals, then why not?

Anyway, back on topic... The reason I bring up Biggest Loser is that this past week (episode 12 from 3/22/11) showed three lucky team members getting to talk to their loved ones back home via laptop (Skype or other such online call service). One of these conversations (Olivia with her hubby) struck home at a most opportune time. (Forward to the 11:30 mark to hear the conversation.)





Olivia describes what I'm feeling perfectly. I've hit a wall... no... THE wall! The wall that looms up like a dark fortress with a huge "Do Not Enter" sign right in the center. It seems to stretch for miles in every direction and feels impenetrable. This is the wall that is "just too hard" to break, so we give up.

Not. This. Time.

Olivia, with the love and support of her family, friends, teammates, trainers and, most importantly, herself, is going to stand up, look the wall in the eye and find her way through it. She's focused her mind onto one clear task... Break through the wall. No matter what.

Now... It's my turn.

I have the tools. I have the knowledge. I have the motivation. Now, I need to do the work. I'm going to need help, but I'm ready to reach out and find it. I have spoken with my family and they have agreed on how important this is to me, for me. With their love and support (and a little help from a tax refund), I will be returning to my Weight Watchers meeting this week. I may start attending a second one later in the week to keep my resolve and accountability strong. I will also be signing up for some personal training sessions through the Y to kick my workouts up a notch. (I'll definitely blog about this when I know more.) To break through this wall, I need to pull out all the stops and I know adding these resources into the mix will help a ton!

I'm also pondering a rewards system; not for weight lost, but for tracking (either WW Pts+ or calories), exercising/activity, making good choices at difficult times (dinners out, parties, special events, etc) and hitting all of my Good Health Guidelines each day. The rewards would be simple... time online (as I'm a bit of a Facebook addict), time to sit and watch TV, time to play computer games, etc. Seems a bit childish, I know, but I also know how many hours I waste sitting on my rear doing nothing; my mind getting bored, my body tired and then I eat, I don't workout, I don't get much accomplished. Then I feel horrible and the cycle starts all over again.

I need to break the cycle to break through the wall.

I need to break the cycle to give myself the best chance of never having to go through this journey again.

I have a lot of work ahead of me and I feel like I'm scraping the bottom of the motivation/strength barrel to start. I want this week to be the beginning of a new chapter in this journey and I'm hoping to find a way to make it happen. My son's on Spring Break, so it's not going to be easy (no "me" time). Wish me luck. :)

Goals this week...
- track food every day
- 8c of water consumed each day
- 5 servings of fruit and veggies each day
- Exercise/activity for 30min each day
- Write up reward list(s)
- Weigh-in and post on blog

March 15th Weigh In (Official WW)

WW Weigh-In for March 15st: 224.6 lbs

Weight Lost since Last Weigh In: -3.6 lbs

Total Weight Lost since May 2009: 37.6 lbs

Highest Weight: 262.2 (May 2009)
Lowest Weight: 224.6  (Mar 2011)


Wow... Here I am again at 224; a milestone weight... a benchmark.  If you haven't read my post from last August regarding hitting 224, check it out here. Up until last Aug, I hadn't been 224 in 10 years. That's a long time! The first time, losing weight was a positive benefit to a traumatic time in my life. It was completely unintentional, but I've always remembered being that weight; the feeling of my formerly-tight size 26 pants falling down, being able to fit into clothes that didn't make me feel like I was wearing a tent... Above all others, I remember the feeling of hope that I would one day see my weight start with a 1 and not a 2. But, as it wasn't deliberate and I didn't make any lasting changes to my life, the weight came back and I was, once again, fat.

In May 2009, those size 26s were... again... tight, but this time I chose to change my life! This time, I was going to fight for as long as it took and I was going to win. For my life, for my health, for my family, for myself... I had to change my life.

I had no idea how this journey would go; the psychological aspect, the emotional rollercoaster, the constant re-committing myself to making these changes first, last, and always. It's been a crazy ride!

Fast forward to August 2010. I'm about to leave for a long-awaited vacation with the hubby, but I have one last weigh-in at my Weight Watchers meeting. The number comes up... 224.8. Wow... I think I nearly cried. Yeah, I misted up a bit. 10 long years since I've seen that number come up on the scale. Ten... years... So many years... So many changes... This time, though, I earned it.

Then my world was rocked in a negative way. Our financial situation fell through the floor. I had to drop Weight Watchers. I lost my momentum, my main support, my crutch. I tried to make good choices, but I was inconsistent. I tried to go work out, but I disliked the gym I ended up at and then I had to leave that. I became very depressed and went back to self-medicating with food. That added guilt and anger to the mix which didn't help at all. As it has been described to me, it was a cluster-f**k. Yeah... not good.

By the time 2011 started, I knew I had to pull myself together. There was no other option in my mind. I couldn't give up. Period. So, on Jan. 1st, I started to track. I started to go to my local YMCA (thanks to my wonderful Mother-in-law for the membership!!) I started to pull myself out of the hole. It wasn't a perfect journey. I stumbled a lot. A whole lot. I hit bottom in January when I went on a binge. This was deliberate. I made the decisions, the choices even though I felt totally out of control. I left my WW meeting (after gaining for the 3rd week in a row), went directly to McDonald's and ordered 2 full breakfasts. I ate them in the car. Then I went to the grocery store. While shopping, I picked up 3 of the most decadent donuts I could find. 2 of them never made it home. (The third was finished off at home later.) This brought me to tears and I found myself back at WW. The time to do this had been so short that my leader was still there (we were the last meeting of the day). She saw me, hugged me and brought me inside. All I can say is that she saved me that day. Thanks to her and that day, I've found the strength and focus I've needed to get back to 224. (To read the whole story, click here and here.)

Since then, I have been making lots of changes to my diet, to my lifestyle, to my life in general. I am more motivated than ever to see those numbers on the scale be what I want them to be, to feel my body be able to move the way I want it to move and to know that I'm setting a good example for my family, especially my son. Even though I have had to leave WW again, I have set myself up at My Fitness Pal. I'm tracking calories in & calories out. I'm making good choices. I'm pushing myself in my exercises. I'm reaching out to any and all support resources. This time, I'm putting my health and my goals higher up on the priority list. I want to succeed. I need to succeed. I am going to succeed. I am succeeding!

I will become the person I want to be!

So, here I am again. This time, I don't feel like I've reached goal. This time, I will see my skinny jeans as the jeans I'm going to look back at as my fat pants. This time, I'm thisclose to reaching One-der-land. I can do this. I must put forth effort. I must step out of my comfort zone and reach for that brass ring. Reaching goal is no longer a dream. It's a reality as long as I work towards it.

Today... is just the beginning...

224.6 - 199.9 = 24.7lbs.

I. Can. Do. This.

I. Will. Do. This.

Just watch me work! :)

Still alive & kickin'! Not giving up!

How crazy the last several weeks have been! Far too much to write about (and some too personal). Needless to say, surreal would be a good description. Rollercoaster is another. Some was under my control; much was not. Many were positive; a few were negative; the rest remains to be seen.

Old friends and loved ones have returned to my life and new ones have been added (especially my 2 new kittens!). Our foster kitty has returned to her family and I have stopped taking some medication that has been causing some difficult side-effects. [ Don't worry, the meds weren't anything I had to take. I'm fine. :) ]

I have been slowly clearing out many of my ol' "standbys"; foods that I have relied upon in the past that have artificial sweeteners or other chemicals. I've also been weaning myself off of most high sugar / high simple carb items and have lowered my intake level on the few I'm keeping in my diet (like honey in my tea). This means that my morning coffee has become a thing of the past. No artificial flavored creamer; no coffee. Strangely enough, I don't miss it much. I have a slice of multigrain toast with some natural almond butter and berries, my chai tea with a little honey and unsweetened almond milk (another change) for a quick breakfast before my workout, then a small protein-heavy snack immediately afterwards. Its a satisfying way to start the day.

Unfortunately, there is one change that I'm not very happy about... Many of you know that my family has struggled with financial difficulties over the last year which caused me to leave Weight Watchers last August. As of the beginning of March, I have been forced to once again leave Weight Watchers until our financial situation improves. But, this time, unlike my multi-month lapse last autumn, I have set myself up for continued success! I have started using My Fitness Pal, a free online site similar to eTools or Sparkpeople. The main difference is that MFP is calorie-based: calories in (eating) vs calories out (exercise). You track your food; the system counts your calories, fat, carbs and protein. It gives you a calorie limit for the day based on your activity level and how much weight you want to lose each week (up to 2lbs). You get more calories to spend if you work out/get activity in. Pretty simple, eh?

MFP also offers an online community, so if you have questions, need advice or support, there are folks out there who can help. For me, it's not as good as going to WW meetings, but for now, I'm grateful. I hope to make it to WW for a meeting and weigh-in about once a month (more if possible), but we'll see.

Oh, I've also come to realize that I need a good scale; one that is easy to read (prefer a digital readout), accurate and reasonably priced. Any suggestions or recommendations?

The clock on the wall reminds me that it's very late, so I'll end here. I hope to blog more often as this new part of my journey continues. Until then, my dear readers... May all of your goals be reached! :)

Weigh In for March 1st

WW Weigh-In for March 1st: 228.2 lbs

Weight Lost since Last Weigh In: +1.2 lbs

Total Weight Lost since May 2009: 34.0 lbs

Highest Weight: 262.2 (May 2009)
Lowest Weight: 224.6 (Aug 2010)