Day 90, part 2 - This Little Light of Mine...

After posting yesterday... yeah, I know, it was a dark and stormy post... I have to admit I felt better. Something cathartic about getting one's demons out on... well... electronic paper? Yeah, close enough.

Anyway... I started tracking my food and ended up keeping within my daily points, even with friends over. We chowed down on fresh veggies and fruit with a little hummus and low fat, whole wheat pita bread. So yummy!

I also chose to gather up the hubby and son, nearly forcing them into the car, and headed off for the nearby community college's walking path. The weather had cooled off a bit and the sun was setting as we walked the mile path together. My son ran back and forth, saying hi to every passerby. Even my hubby told me afterwards that he enjoyed our time out together. It was wonderful!

I ran a little with my son without killing my foot too badly, so I'm beginning to think I could try to run again, just not on the treadmill. I don't think I get the right stride when I'm trying to run within a set treadmill pace. I'll have to experiment soon...

And my water consumption rocked! 8 glasses of plain water over and above anything else I had to drink. Did the same things today too! It just feels good to have found a little more strength to keep going, not that I can see myself giving up for good. As the commercials say, I'm worth it!

Well, tomorrow is Tuesday and that means WW Weigh In Day for me. One of my last weekly weigh-ins. But, I'm feeling positive as I work out some free alternative plans and one day, when my current situation works itself out, I'll be right back in those meetings every week. Until then, I shall live by the immortal words of Tim Allen from the movie 'Galaxy Quest':

"Never give up! Never surrender!" 

Damn right! :)

~Heather

p.s. I totally want to go to a Zumba class now after seeing the video on this blog post from Kreating Kristen! I have to get a YMCA membership soon and go!

Day 90, part 1 - Friend Makin' Mondays

Kenz over at All The Weigh is hosting "Friend Makin' Mondays" today (well, yesterday actually, but who's counting?) and I decided to join in on the fun. :)  Below, I've "filled in the blanks" with a little info about myself just for you lucky people to read. Ok, that's what the little voice on her blog told me to do and you know how I am about following little voices. So, onto the fun part of our program, boys and girls! Oh, and don't forget to visit Kenz and all of the other participants of FMM.


I like... people who are willing to look past the outside image or assumptions and get to know me better before making any judgments. I'm not always what I appear to be.

I don't like... close-minded people. If you're not willing to at least admit there's a possibility that another view exists, we have nothing to talk about.

I love... to see my son happy. He lights up a room when he's in a good mood. :)

I dream of... so many things...

I wonder... what my son will be like as a man. I hope he'll be a good one; hope I've taught him well...

I know... I can do more than I'm pushing myself to do now. It's just hard...

I went... to GenCon for vacation/anniversary this year; my hubby's first time and my first time since 2003. Felt soooooooo goooooood to be back amongst fellow gamers again! Almost like coming home after being away at college.

I have... everything I need in life but financial security.

I think... waaaaaay too hard about everything. Some days, I just wish I could lighten up... then the control freak takes back over.

I plan... on never fully growing up... Better believe I'm a Toys 'R Us kid. :)

I regret... nothing... or at least I try not to. I believe that everything I've done up to now has brought me to this place in my life. If I was to change anything, I wouldn't be me with my family and friends, my cakes and blogging. I wouldn't want to lose these for anything.

I do... pay attention to detail; sometimes so much, I tick people off. It's not on purpose, I swear!

I drink... only on occasion and not much as I'm quite the lightweight.

I wish... for peace, both within and out. Still seems so far out of reach...

I am... strange, silly, and a bit difficult to deal with at times.

I am not... the stuck-up person most people assume I am. I'm just terribly shy, even around people I've known for years; a difficulty I've tried for years to overcome.

I need... more reassurance than I care to admit.

I graduated... high school, but not college. While trying to go to school, my first marriage fell apart and so did my school career. One day I hope to return and complete a degree, but probably not for a few years.

I hope... to travel through the world one day. I want to see all of the wonders of the world, both famous and hidden before I die or the world destroys itself.

I want... to be a better mom and to work in a field that makes people happy.

I sometimes... pretend I can sing and do so along with some pretty silly dance moves. Usually at 3am when I'm going cross-eyed working on a cake or when I'm really stressed or happy.

I always... get excited when autumn finally shows up! I love the autumn and holiday seasons more than any other time of the year.

I can... get angry quickly when someone/something presses my buttons the wrong way. Whether I hold my tongue or not depends on the situation as I do not cause "scenes" whenever possible.

I work... hard at keeping my family and household running smoothly. Doesn't always work, but I try.

I cannot... bear the thought of losing my son. I pray every day that he'll be healthy and safe. Every fiber of my being is constantly scared of this, maybe because of my previous miscarriages and later losses.

I avoid... friend/enemy drama. Can't stand it! I try to relate to everyone on whatever levels work best for me and don't get involved or in the middle of "Hate him/hate her" crap. Sometimes, that means I don't see people for stretches of time, but I still consider them my friends.

I will... continue to try and be a better person and work towards becoming everything I want to be.

Day 89 - Rough Patches are a Bitch

I had a moment last night; one of those that some call a "reality check." It hurt... a lot...

I know I shouldn't let moments like this deter me from moving forward on this journey. I know I shouldn't, but right now, it's very hard. I'm fighting an internal battle with myself on a number of fronts, trying to put forth the happy face people are more comfortable with, enjoying the "you look fantastic" compliments. I mean, come on... I've lost over 35lbs (this past weigh-in be damned). I do look better, especially to people who don't get to see me very often. But, late last night as I was finishing up my evening routine before bed, I caught a good look at my body in my full-length mirror. No tight clothes to suck in the rolls, no baggy short to cover the bulges. Just me in my birthday suit... and I cried. Not much, just a couple of tears. But still...

It was the source of those tears that really bothered me. Here I am, blogging about "getting it", about understanding the who, what, where, why, and how of weight loss, about trudging through the physical, mental, and emotional obstacles of losing weight and being healthier... Right now, I feel like a fraud. Those nasty little voices are having a field day in my mind and I once again find myself fighting them off, telling them to go to hell and whatnot. Days like this...perky gets on my nerves. heh.

What I saw in the mirror... and please forgive me if this goes into the territory of TMI, but I need to talk about it... what I saw in the mirror disgusted me... completely... and it was me.

Dagger... heart... twist...

The double stomach roll is the worst... the squishy lump of loose skin and fat deposit above my navel; the saggy, fatty tire below that sags down so far, it almost covers my... um... well... nether regions. Just gross...

Add to it my legs, especially my thighs. These would make a turkey farmer at Thanksgiving drool with money-green envy. Cut them off, season and roast on a spit, then slice like gyro meat. They could feed a small impoverished third-world country. Disgusting...

My rear end... well... just too big. I'll leave the cottage cheese-filled remarks in my head.

I feel ugly, plain and simple. I feel like I'm lying to myself when I say I'm looking better. I cringe inside when people tell me how good I look or use the dreaded "I" word... inspiration. I'm not inspiring. Inspiring people do well. They stay on plan 9 days out of 10, not 2 days out of 30. They do what needs to be done, even if they're not in the mood. They're happy overall and usually seem to find the silver lining in most situations. They're in control, committed, and willing to put the effort into their journeys each day.

Me... I'm struggling to believe that the 7-point, healthy breakfast I ate today was 1) a great choice and 2) can be the start of a healthy choice streak. I just need to continue making those kind of choices. I need to believe that I can do this.

I'm also looking at having to cancel Weight Watchers due to monetary concerns. I have been going since May 2009 and have been more successful that I have ever been... not because of the pounds I've lost, but that I've stuck with this journey longer that ever before. My way of thinking about weight loss has completely changed and I know I rely on my weekly meetings sooooooo much! They help me to feel good about my progress and bolster me when I need rescuing. I have made it this far in large part because of those meetings. Unfortunately... another reality check... the money just isn't there. While I do have a free "Plan B", it doesn't include the in-person group support that's I joined WW for, that's kept me going.

I'll admit... I'm scared... Scared of reverting back to bad habits I worked so hard to break; scared of gaining all of the weight back and then some. Most of all, I'm scared of failing... again...

I have all of the tools I need to drop this excess weight, to change (and improve) all of those areas on my body that disgust me, to be successful... meetings or no meetings... I have everything I need...

Except motivation. Somehow, someway, I need to dig very, very deep once again and find that motivation, that spark that will push me forward, no matter what my situation is. I have never been successful going along this journey alone. Guess it's time to change that... one choice at a time...

~Heather

Day 86 - No beginning, no end

Tuesday was Weigh In Day at my Weight Watchers meeting. It was... to say the least... shocking. Up 8 pounds?! In two weeks?! I'm seriously thinking salt-related fluid retention has a big part to play in this. I know my choices haven't been their best lately, but that just seems... inflated... somehow. Ah well, didn't help that I ate a small, yet high sodium meal less than an hour prior to weigh in. Yeah, yeah, I know. Dumb move on my part to be sure. For me, that shows me where my weight loss priorities are currently; not high enough on my inner "To Do Now" list. Time to take stock in those priorities and get moving in a more positive direction.

I know I could blame it on my recent vacation, my annoying cold, how busy I've been... I could come up with a good half-dozen solid excuses as to why I haven't been tracking, haven't been exercising, haven't been making better food choices. I could even start saying "Ok, time to get back on the wagon and start again" but that wouldn't be accurate. I wouldn't be starting again. Why? Because I never stopped.

Even with the not-so-healthy choices, the binge eating, the lack of tracking/exercising/self-control, this journey is not about starting and stopping. It's about living... day to day... choice by choice. It doesn't stop because of a few "bad" weeks. It doesn't re-start by choosing a salad over a loaded baked potato. Every decision, every choice is just one step on your journey.

Hmmm... let me put it this way... I see life as a tapestry. Each choice I make is a thread in that tapestry. Every event, every moment I experience is a thread, woven together over time, creating the story that is my life so far. Each detail... from food to marriage to my son to every smile I've smiled and every tear I've shed... makes up the overall look of that tapestry. The tapestry just goes on and on. The only time it started was the moment I was born. The only time it will end will be the day I die. Everything else, whether I'm "on plan" or not just becomes one more detail, one more thread in the tapestry.

How does this relate to weight loss? Bear with me...

I've been reading a number of blogs lately and it seems to be going around; the "bad days/weeks/etc", the pain and difficulties of life, the crappier end of the stick so to speak. It's going around, oh yes, even in my life. My heart goes out to each and every one who is experiencing a rough time. I wish I could round all of us up, have several 2-point Baja Bob Sugar Free margaritas, some low-fat ice cream, and a hell of a lot of hugs. Misery may love company, but I think time with supportive friends can help kick Misery to the curb, even if for only a short while. If you're one of those having a bitch of a time recently, consider yourself hugged from me. :)

Getting back to the topic at hand... tough times... even the truly hideous ones... are a part of each person's tapestry, a part of your life. I've seen so many people (myself included) blogging about "starting over again." But that doesn't happen. It can't. Something was mentioned in my Weight Watchers meeting on Tuesday... the diet mentality. We are, as a "dieting" culture, so brainwashed into thinking of losing weight and getting healthy in terms of a "time" frame; either we're dieting or we're not. Even when we take it one choice at a time, there's still this underlying, subconscious belief that eating healthy, exercising, tracking... when we do all of these things that we're "on plan" / on the right path / being good. But, if we eat poorly, don't exercise, don't track or portion, we're "off plan" / off the path / being bad and that we have start over again. This idea, this knowledge has led me to conclude the following:

True life-long weight loss cannot be achieved until the concept of weight loss is completely banished from one's mind. It must be seen (and believed) as acts taken to achieve good overall (and life-long) health.

As steps are taken to achieve a healthy body, mind and spirit, the weight loss will occur, the "wagon" mentality (on or off) will fade away, and a greater sense of peace with the process should take hold. This brings the process down to a series of on-going choices without the negative pressure of needing to be perfect; the wretched "I've had a bad day (i.e. I'm a bad person today), so I'll start again (i.e. I'll be a good person) tomorrow."

At least that's the incredibly philosophical theory...

Wow, where the heck did all of that come from?? Whew, my brain hurts now.

So, I am looking at my choices today and I can see what I did to help my body become healthier and where I took in more than my body needed. Overall, I think I chose fairly well, but I do need more veggies and fruit. Maybe a late night baked potato with broccoli and a banana is in order.

I will be keeping my water intake up like I have been the last day or so. I'm feeling confident in that area.

In terms of exercise, I did feel well enough to get to the grocery store, so I did walk/shop for an hour today. It's a start.

Even though it's getting late, I am starting work on another cake for a friend's birthday this weekend. I believe I'm in the right frame of mind to deal with all of the temptations associated with this. Good way to start the weekend. :)

I leave you with this thought...  "Don't let the fear of the time it will take to accomplish something stand in the way of your doing it.  The time will pass anyway; we might just as well put that passing time to the best possible use."  ~Earl Nightingale

Good night, my friends...

~Heather

Day 84 - Well, That Didn't Work Very Well...

Wow... What can I say? Um... Haven't been doing so well the last week or three. Ugh, let's be honest, I've let everything go over the last month. Everything... no exercise, eating everything and anything, no tracking. Yeah, I know. Not good. While not an excuse by any means, I've dealt with both the highs of a vacation and some lows I won't go into here. Now, I'm working through an annoying cold, so my diet includes a lot of juice which is not very easy on the points. Ugh.

So, where do I go from here? Good question...

Well, to start, I'm not giving up. Giving up isn't an option as this isn't a diet. This journey is a part of my life, not a temporary "fix." I'm not giving up this food or that food so I can lose weight, only to revert back to my former eating habits and food choices once that goal is accomplished. This isn't a race. This is about making one choice at a time and accepting the results of those choices. This is about finding balance between my food addictions and a healthier lifestyle; something I am still working on.

For now, I'm going to use a piece of advice that have always worked for me. I'm going to choose three things... three goals... three good choices... and focus on those for the week. As I'm fighting a cold, these may not be my preferred choices, but there are a start; a way to get back on plan... back to losing weight and being healthy.

So, for this week, my goals are:

- 1) Track what I eat. I'm not going to include points, just what foods I eat.

- 2) Water / liquids. I'm going to get at least 10 cups of non-caffeinated liquid per day to keep hydrated.

- 3) Go to my Weight Watchers meeting. I'll weigh in and accept whatever numbers come up. The numbers are a guideline, not a definition of who I am, right? :)

Ok, that's it for now. Weigh In is in two hours, so I'll be back later with an update. Thanks for sticking with me. :)

~Heather

Day 74 - Getting Back On Plan... Tomorrow

Back... I'm back... I'm back in the saddle again... Well, I will be as of tomorrow. No, really, I will be. I need to be. The pizza (3/4 of a medium veggie) demands it! My inner voice demands it! My scale demands it!

*sigh*

Overall, my vacation choices were not horrific and I walked everywhere... miles and miles. I'm not sure what the results were as Tuesday's Weigh In didn't happen. Nope, not this week. One car died completely and the other was in use. Between the cars and my migraine, I did not make it to my regular meeting. I'm hoping for a good showing this coming Tuesday, but we'll see.

My choices this past week have not been the best, especially tonight. I recognize the pattern of emotional eating I have been caught in for the last few weeks and I'm having to dig deep to emerge from it. Not easy... not easy at all. I want the turmoil, the uncertainty, the fear... I want it all to go away. I am so tired of fighting for every little scrap and shred of goodness for my family to keep us afloat; of finally getting to a point where I think I can breathe again and start trying to get ahead, only to have a shoe or three drop. Tired of the 1-ton weight dropping from the sky to crush everything I've worked for. I'm so tired of being scared all the time...

Wow... that was a bit unexpected. I try not to share this negativity here. I usually try to focus on the positives, to lift my spirits at the end of a hard day. But, this blog is more than just about weight loss. It is about my life and this is a part of it, so I will let it stay in print.

I know that my days of positive choices have not ended. They are only beginning... once again. I will start again tomorrow, knowing that it will happen. I am not perfect and that's ok. :)

~Heather

Day 67 - Freedom Challenge Final Update (On Vacay!)

Hi everyone! Although I am on vacation this week, I still wanted to make my final Freedom Challenge update and a little update on what's going on here. It was written yesterday, so technically it's for Day 66, but who's counting? ;)

Anyway, here it is and I'll try to post again soon!
~Heather

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Hi everyone! Well, the hubby and I are on vacation this week in Indianapolis and already having an amazing time! I would have posted earlier, but it's been go-go-go since last Thursday and I am only now finding a few moments to update. We arrived here in Indy yesterday, checked in to the convention, received our con goodies and badges, caught up with old friends, and then decided to have a simple dinner to celebrate our 4th wedding anniversary. The 97+ degree heat made a very convincing argument for keeping up with / restarting my 2 liter + per day water habit. As the heat will continue (though not to that icky extent), I shall continue to drink plenty of good ol' H2O while here!

I am also going to make an effort to keep any “vacation munching damage” to a minimum. As I am in the midst of a gaming convention, with all of the stereotypical gamer food trappings (burgers, pizza, nachos, chips, soda, etc), I have also been vigilant about scouting out healthier options. Being in the heart of Indy affords me a tremendous number of food options and I plan on taking full advantage of them. With my hubby's full support and understanding, I am able to choose places and meals that best fit into my goal... to keep any possible weight gain to a minimum and, if at all possible, to weigh in on Tuesday a little lighter than when I left.

By the way... weigh in on Tuesday was a bit of a shock as my food choices were not the best, my water intake was quite poor and my exercise non-existent. But it was also incredibly enlightening. I lost 2.4lbs and now weigh in at 224.8. I am currently at my lowest weight since 2000. Yes, that's a full decade since I've seen those numbers. Lemme tell ya, what a way to start a vacation! :)

The enlightening part of the whole WI process this week was in regard to my sodium intake. I have been watching very closely over the last few months to see what effect sodium has on my weigh ins and my results are staggering to me. I mean, I knew how sodium makes you retain water, blah blah blah.... but I seem to be particularly sensitive to it, especially in the 3-5 days prior to weigh in. The last three weigh ins where I have showed a gain I can easily contribute to eating higher sodium foods within a few days prior to weigh in, even when what I ate or how much I ate was within my points. This knowledge gives me confidence in knowing exactly what I need to do to continue showing consistent losses each week as well as peace of mind when I see a gain. Yep, more knowledge = feeling good. :)

Ok, onto my final Freedom Challenge Update!

Here we go...

My Goals:

1) To do some kind of organized exercise at least 4 days a week (gym, walking trails, video, etc.)
Well, definitely didn't get this done this past week. Heck, I didn't go to the gym at all! I did get plenty of activity going up and down the stairs at home, working on laundry, my to-do list, prepping for vacation. But the gym or any kind of organized activity? Not once this past week. Ah well, vacation this week is offering me miles upon miles of walking, so I'll definitely be gaining those activity points. :)

2) To work on one project on my To Do List per week.
Tons done and I still have a long list. Some days, it never seems to end. But this goal was easily accomplished this week and for the whole challenge.

3) To get a minimum of 6 hrs of sleep per night, especially during the week.
Another no go this week. 4 hours of sleep nearly every night this week; some of my own doing, some not. What I did learn from having this as a goal was to recognize when I'm really busy and when I'm just being lazy in front of the tv. Big difference and one I need to work on.

4) To drink 2 liters of plain water per day, regardless of any other drinks I imbibe.
Not sure what happened here, but this became so difficult I let it go by the wayside. Not proud of this, but for some reason, to drink water meant me nearly choking down a cup here and a cup there. Not even with some flavoring could I convince myself to drink more than a few cups a day. Since getting into Indianapolis for vacation yesterday, I've been drinking almost nothing but water. I can feel how dehydrated my body has become over the last week and it's making up for lost time.

5) To have 4 new "food adventures" during the challenge time period. This could include trying a new restaurant, making a new recipe, trying never-before-used ingredients, etc.
4 of 4 accomplished! Just by trying out new recipes for my cakes, trying out new decorating techniques, and making a couple of new dinner recipes, I easily surpassed my goal of four “adventures.” While I'm here on vacation, I plan to continue being adventurous while adding in the challenge of making those challenges as healthy as possible!

Well, that's everything for now. I may try out some video blog updates this week as a change of pace. Never tried those before, so it ought to be interesting! :) Stay tuned!

Until next time, dear friends... Always remember your successes and turn your “failures” into lessons. One step does not a journey make. :)

~Heather