Day 139 - Workout Time, Here I Come... er, Maybe Not...

Hi everyone!

I just had to jump online really quick and shout to the rafters about my new YMCA membership! Woohoo! Yes, a Snoopy-like dance did occur when the hubby and I were told our financial assistance had been approved. My amazing mother-in-law will be covering the monthly fee for us (have I said recently how lucky I got with her? Totally lucky!!) and our membership starts right away! I have been waiting for this for almost two months now and I can't wait to get back into a pool... swimming laps for an hour... Even found my old one-piece suit! Now if I could only find my goggles...

One service provided free of charge (!!) is the Coaching Assistance program. For the next SIX MONTHS, I will be working with a "coach" who will be helping me learn about the computerized tracking system, how to work any equipment I don't know how to use, even figuring out the proper positioning for me on all of the machines. She is helping me set goals (both short and long-term) and setting up an exercise plan that will be best in achieving them (with the types of exercise *I* prefer). If I ever have a question or need help, I just ask her. It's an amazing service and one that is free to all regular Y members! Already had my first meeting with her today and I'm sooooo excited to work with her!

On top of the great workout facilities, I have already fallen in love with the small cafe inside the Y. Freshly juiced fruits and veggies, soups and breads made from scratch, everything healthy and as many organic products as possible. I've tried out a couple of items and I'm hooked! Y-U-M!

The only downside to all of this good news is that I seem to have caught my son's cold/illness and this may keep me from taking full advantage of this week. I don't want to start pushing my body while it's fighting to stay healthy, so I may end up letting this week be a relaxing week until I'm over this bug. But, only until then. I want in that pool now!

So, my triumphant return to the gym is on hold temporarily and I know that, when I finally do get to start working out again, it'll feel amazing! Who knows though... I may steal a little time just to slowly check out the pool a little this week. Patience is not my best virtue. ;)

Until next time, fellow readers!
~Heather

Day 136 - A Second Wind

Autumn. It's my favorite season and, by sheer luck I think, we're having a long and gorgeous one here in northern Illinois. Usually, we get 3 decent fall days; the rest are rainy, overcast, windy, then snowy winter blows in. This year, it's amazing and I know I am not the only one who's grateful.

For me, autumn is my season in all ways. I love wearing comfy jeans and flannel pjs, over-sized sweaters and fluffy socks. I love to walk through red-gold leaves and actually enjoy raking them into piles for my son to play in. The apples from the tree in our backyard make great additions to nearly every meal and the squirrels that nest in one of our trees make for free amusement all through the day. I pile my favorite comforters and blankets on the bed and start preparing the fireplace for a long winter of use. Trips to the orchard are a must and soups, stews, and our favorite Weight Watchers Chicken Pot Pie become every day fare. Can you tell I LOVE autumn?!

Autumn is also a time of change for me. Every year around this time, I feel myself change both physically and mentally. My attitude, my moods, my choices (both activity and food) shift dramatically... some for the better, some not. It seems that the end of summer is not my friend and it takes a couple of months to "pull myself together". If you've read my previous posts, you know that my life has undergone some serious changes in the last few months; changes I never could have predicted. My weight loss was put on the back burner as my energy went in a million other directions. Being a bit of a control freak (Yeah, I admit it), this chaos, both internal and external, has been maddening to say the least. Still, I knew that there is an eye to every storm and a light at the end of every tunnel. As the Wilson Phillips song goes "Hold on for one more day" and so I have. While there is still chaos in my life, I have been able to (finally) wrap my head around the situation (mostly) and putting one foot in front of the other has become easier. Life is progressing and I'm trying each day to clear my path little by little. I'm blogging again. That's a good sign, right?

I have started to bring my weight loss efforts back to the top of my priority list. While it still won't be number one until jobs come back into the picture and we are more financially stable, it is no longer buried at the bottom of the heap of issues to be dealt with. Yesterday, that included some healthier food choices: 1.5 liters of water, egg white omelet with veggies, plain non-fat yogurt with chopped almonds and honey, small glass of orange juice, side salad with dinner, small bowl of fresh berries, and a snack-sized McFlurry at McDonalds (to satisfy a week-long craving). While I did indulge with a burger and a few fries at our local Red Robin (sooooo good! 1st burger in months!), I felt good overall in my decisions throughout the day. Definitely a step up from the cookie-and-pretzel feasts I've been having off and on for a month now.

This morning, I did 2 things towards living a healthier lifestyle... the first was catching up on my blog reading. I have found so much inspiration, support, and comfort (and more than a few laughs and tears) within the electronic pages of blogs. I realized, as I read entry after entry, how much reading (and writing) blogs meant to me and how much of a positive effect they have on so many aspects of my life (more on this in a minute). I must find a way to work both the reading and writing back into my schedule asap.

The second was making myself a healthy brunch (as it really was too late to call it breakfast). I chopped up some fresh mushrooms and a fresh tomato from my neighbor's garden, scrambled them up with some egg whites and a sprinkling of shredded cheese. Yum!! Added to that... a Thomas' Light Multi-Grain English Muffin (such a great value!) with a little Pumpkin Spice Cream Cheese (thank you Gina!) and a small glass of orange juice. I'm now snuggled up in bed next to my napping son (he's not feeling very well and needs Mommy), sipping my coffee (Highland Grog flavor with Splenda, Coffee-Mate Sugar Free Vanilla Caramel creamer and a little Silk PureAlmond almond milk) and writing this. Feeling full, warm, and happy. :)

By the way, the reason I'm writing about name brands (with links to the products) is because these are products I use almost every day, that I believe in, and that I want to share with you. I have received nothing for these endorsements. They are purely from me by me to you.

The Pumpkin Spice Cream Cheese recipe is from one of my favorite sites: Gina's Skinny Recipes. Whether you're on Weight Watchers, looking for healthy recipes, or just want to make something tasty, this is an excellent site!! I have found recipes that my whole (picky) family will eat, including a meatball recipe with spinach that even my son will gobble down. Mr. Non-Veggie and Little Mr. Non-Veggie (i.e hubby and son) both like these recipes and for me, that's a total WIN!

I spoke earlier about inspiration from blogs. Below I'm linking three blog posts that I read this morning; each of which have spoken directly to me in regards to, not just weight loss, but my life in general. These posts are (imho) powerful and bring clarity to areas of my life that have felt very convoluted lately. I have bookmarked them, so I can return over and over again when I may feel down or scattered or otherwise off-track. I know this is only three and I expect to add more to this list over time. For now, I really wanted to share them with you. I hope they will touch you as deeply.

     * Mrs. Fatass - Time For a Comeback - Finding your "second wind".

     * Seattle Runner Girl (via guest blog at Shrinking Kenz's All the Weigh) - Motivation vs Determination - There is a difference.


      * Loretta (Rettakat) - So What's Wrong With Hard? - Never said it was gonna be easy...


Well, that's it for now. I'm hoping my next blog will include an update on hubby and I finally getting our YMCA membership. Woohoo! The Y is wonderful and is working with us through their Financial Assistance. My wonderful mother-in-law will be covering the monthly fee. If all goes well, I'll be back in a pool within a month, swimming laps for the first time in 7 years. With my recent diagnosis of plantar fasciitis (heel spur) in my left foot, my dreams of running are (for the moment) all but gone, so I'm pinning my hopes on swimming laps. I take finding my old size 16 one-piece swimsuit as a good sign (it barely fits, but it's wearable).

My family already has plans to get me back into Weight Watchers as soon as the first job is landed here at home, so please say some prayers for us. I'm hoping to wrangle $13 out of what we have and go to a meeting, if anything to just get an official weigh in. My home scale is saying I'm around 228-229, but it's not the most accurate. Besides, it'd feel really good to be back at a meeting, especially this time of year.

Until then, I'm going to try and post more often. Blogs and blogging are so very key in my continuing success in both weight loss and keeping my sanity. (only 1/2 kidding on that last point) I hope to write again soon.

Ok, really going now. Son is up from nap and it's time for some Mommy-Son time in the playroom! Thank you again for reading. :)

~Heather

Day 121 - A Moment in Time

As dinner cools on the stove top and dessert bakes in the oven, I am reminded of the many blessings I have in my life. I know that no matter what paths life decides (or I decide) to journey along, I am incredibly blessed.

Dinner tonight was Chicken Pot Pie. No extravagant gourmet version; not even made from a light recipe. I did use a can of light Cream of Mushroom soup, but the can of Cream of Potato was just a regular can of soup. The milk was 1% and there are a ton of veggies in it. No bottom crust; just a smattering of canned biscuits on top.

I seem to choose healthier options without thinking about it, so I guess it's healthier than the norm. Hooray for good habits? :)

Overall, it's simple, hot, filling, and (most importantly) made from everything we already had in the kitchen. The dish is already a staple in this house during the winter and sounded perfect for this cool autumn evening.

It was dessert that prompted me to write this blog post. The pot pie was cooking in the oven as I peeled and sliced up some fresh apples for the Maple Apple Crisp. The apples had been picked just minutes before by my hubby (with the help of our son) from the apple tree in our backyard and I couldn't wait to put this dish together!

For me, the true moment of inspiration came when I stopped for a minute to look out the kitchen window. There I saw my hubby and son picking apples together; picking them from the tree... gathering up the ones that fell... deciding which ones to go into the "Keep" box and which ones needed to be put into the "Yard Trash" bag. It was a moment that could only warm my heart and bring some much-needed peace to my soul; a moment that I will treasure for all of my life. Something so simple as the two of them picking apples... but isn't that true of all pure and simple things?

I wish things didn't have to change. I wish I didn't have to face leaving all of this behind, but life is about change. Change brings growth and I know there will be more moments in the future; more moments I will treasure... that will bring peace and happiness. I just wish I knew they could be here.

For now, I will put that last thought out of my head. Tonight is date night! I have 2 testosterone-fueled movies on hold at the local redbox (Prince of Persia and Clash of the Titans; rent 1 get 1 free deal), warm homemade maple apple crisp with low-fat sugar-free vanilla ice cream (gotta have some a la mode action!) ready to go, a wonderful husband to share it with, and a fantastic mom who will be taking care of the bath-and-bedtime routine with our son. It's a gorgeous cool autumn night and (thanks to my incredible mother-in-law) the bills are paid up-to-date. For a moment, I can relax and breathe. For a moment, all is right and good in my world. For a moment...


May your moments bring you as much joy as mine have today. I wish you all the best!

~Heather

Day 116 - To Boldly Go...

As I write this blog... so long overdue... I am watching “Star Trek.” Envisioned and created by Gene Roddenberry in the early 1960s, the version I am currently enamored with is the newest installment in the franchise. Brazenly restructured by the magnificent J.J. Abrams, it truly has earned its place within the Star Trek mythos. Simply said... I LOVE this movie!!!

The reason I open with this is that 1) I really do love this movie and 2) it has reminded me of where I am in my life, what has come before and what is going to be. You see, what J.J. did was to completely change the whole timeline in the first 10 minutes of the movie... back-stories rewritten, pivotal moments wiped and replaced... everything changed in the blink of an eye. He did this while keeping true to the important specifics, spirit, personalities, and quirks of the series, but anything that happens from this point on in the Star Trek universe will be forever altered by this movie.

So goes this movie; so goes my life. Some things are the same, but some are changing forever and in a big way. Some have been changing slowly, but... like the movie... most are changing in the blink of an eye and my life (and the lives of my family) will never be the same.

I have written and rewritten this blog post several times over the last couple of months; each time changing, tweaking, updating... The posts ranged from bright and bubbly to downright scary, angry dark. I've been on this crazy roller-coaster and now... now... well, I'm still on the roller-coaster, but I'm using this moment to get a handle on things, so to speak. At least as well as I can. I need to grab onto what I know works, steady myself, and (slowly) piece together this chaotic, splintered existence which is my life. Well, maybe it's not quite that bad. Still...

While I won't be laying out my memoirs here (you'll just have to wait for the book in 20 years), I will bring clarity to the vague blog messages I have posted here and there over the last month or so. I think you deserve something of an explanation and I need to get this in black-and-white, if only to help me accept and move forward. So, here we go...

There really isn't a good way to spin this and my brain is so mushy these days, I can't seem to come up with a light and breezy way to put this, so I hope you'll forgive my bluntness. My family is broke. None of us seem to be able to get a job for anything and now we're at a point where we have to decide every month whether to pay the mortgage (and keep a roof over our heads) or pay our bills (and keep the creditors off our backs). 3 adults + 1 child existing on 1 unemployment check. That's it. No savings, no assets of any real value to sell, very few options. Next week, we'll be applying for food stamps; something we've been avoiding for months. We'll keep applying for jobs, but in the meantime, we're going to have to learn to navigate the “system” of being below the poverty level.

For those that have never been there, the way the mere thought of this kills the spirit is immeasurable. It is beyond humbling. It's humiliating, degrading, and scary. The system is not set up in a way where you can work towards slowing emerging from it. Either you're in or you're out. It's that simple. You can't be in school and get benefits. You can't earn more than a pittance from a part-time job or your benefits are cut off. There are no gray areas in the figures. There is no mercy, no compassion... The system is set up (or at least feels like it is set up) to assume you're cheating it somehow, yet those that know how to work it can cheat easily, screwing those that come into it on an honest level. If you think dealing with banks or insurance companies are bad, try dealing with a state so badly in debt that no provider associated with the system wants to help you (especially with the medical side) as they probably won't get paid. It's not fun.

I do not write this to garner sympathy or to illicit donations. The ONLY reasons I write this are:

1. To lay out one of my biggest sources of stress and emotional upheaval, so that you can understand what I'm up against and why I've made many of the choices I've made recently (more on these later) in terms of my weight loss journey and in terms of my family. Talk about changing strategies...
2. To vent just a little. Keeping all of this inside... putting on a happy face... has been extremely tough. I try to cry when I'm alone, but I'm an emotional person and there are cracks in my “happy-strong” persona so big you could drive a Mac truck though them. I need an outlet to help keep me on a more even keel. Blogging is going to be a big part of that.

This one (overwhelming) change has led my family to another change; another scary journey into the unknown. A change that I never, ever expected to have in my life. My hubby, in an effort to save us, is joining the Army. Tomorrow, he leaves for our regional MEPS (military entrance processing station). When he returns on Tuesday, we will be a military family. He will then attend basic training in the spring, job training in the summer, and stationed wherever the Army wants him. Our little guy and I will follow him at some point (to be determined later). A minimum of 4 years... deployments... moves... a whole new world to learn... even a new way of speaking and thinking (everything seems to be in acronym form).

My main concern is with our son. He's 3 and deals with having Sensory Processing Disorder and Autism. It took him over a month just to get used to his new bath tub when we moved into our house. If anything truly scares me about this change, it's how he'll react to all of this; daddy being gone for months at a time, different houses, different schools, different people coming in and out of his life... Will all of this help him or hurt him? I don't know and that is scary. 

By making this decision, we are giving up a life that I had always wanted... a good house with a large yard and play area for our child; a large wonderful group of friends that know and care about us; immediate and extended family only a quick drive away, getting together on holidays or whenever we felt like. Our son would grow up with his grandmas right there, going to school with friends he'll have known for years, living in the same home... safe, comfortable, familiar, predictable (very important for kids with SPD and Autism). 

Heck, this is something I've wanted... needed... desired my whole life! My family was moved around due to my dad switching jobs every 4-5 years and I HATED it. It took me years to find my place in things (friends, cliques, groups, etc) thanks to my own SPD. Once I'd finally settled in and found a happy balance, we'd move again. Never near relatives or anyone we knew. Over and over... first with my family, then my ex-hubby... This home that we moved into last year was my dream; my family all together, looking forward to years of quiet domesticity. Now, to save my family, I must let it go. I must let go... Easier said than done to be sure.

Before wrapping this up, I will touch upon my weight loss journey... due to our financial situation, I have had to cancel both my Weight Watchers and gym memberships. I know I have gained some weight back due to poor food choices (I'm a big-time emotional eater!), yet I don't want to weigh myself on my scale at home (it's not accurate). I know I need to choose food more wisely, motivate myself to exercise in some way, and recapture that inner spark I had a few months ago in making this a priority. But, my first decision has been to stop beating myself up about what I'm doing badly and allow myself to take small steps here and there to pull my emotional self together. This blog post, while a long time coming, is one of those steps. I've known that I needed to get this laid out as a first step. So, here it is.

I have not given up. I have had to push it down the to-do list a little bit while I deal with other things. That's all. Hubby and I have already talked about working out together in preparation for his basic training. Heck, this may end up being just what I needed to become an exerciser. Guess we'll see.

So, there it is, my friends. Not a tremendous amount of detail, but enough for you to know what the heck has been going on with crazy ol' me. This blog is changing and will soon reflect more than weight loss. It will reflect my life as a military mom of a special needs child, wife to a soldier husband, and a woman who will be looking for balance, peace, strength, and permanent weight loss. I hope you will stick with me on this journey through life. I promise... it won't be boring.

Live long, and prosper...

~Heather

Day 107 - The Times They Are A-Changin'

I'm in the process of setting up a plan... exercise... an alternative to my lost Weight Watchers... I'm close, but this may take a little longer than I expected. A new variable has entered the equation of my life that I really didn't see coming; something that could up-end everything in my life. The upsides of this are as drastic as the downsides. While I'm not ready to reveal any specific details right now, I will clarify this much:

- I am not pregnant.
- This deals with my husband's search for employment.
- No decisions have yet been made.

In the meantime, I continue to try and dig deep, seeking within for motivation and drive to not destroy all of the good work I've done while pushing myself even more to make good decisions. I know when the dust settles, I will be stronger for this period of time. For now, I will continue to keep the spark burning until I'm able to stoke up the flames and take this journey by storm!

It'll happen... one step at a time...

~H.