Day 89 - Rough Patches are a Bitch

I had a moment last night; one of those that some call a "reality check." It hurt... a lot...

I know I shouldn't let moments like this deter me from moving forward on this journey. I know I shouldn't, but right now, it's very hard. I'm fighting an internal battle with myself on a number of fronts, trying to put forth the happy face people are more comfortable with, enjoying the "you look fantastic" compliments. I mean, come on... I've lost over 35lbs (this past weigh-in be damned). I do look better, especially to people who don't get to see me very often. But, late last night as I was finishing up my evening routine before bed, I caught a good look at my body in my full-length mirror. No tight clothes to suck in the rolls, no baggy short to cover the bulges. Just me in my birthday suit... and I cried. Not much, just a couple of tears. But still...

It was the source of those tears that really bothered me. Here I am, blogging about "getting it", about understanding the who, what, where, why, and how of weight loss, about trudging through the physical, mental, and emotional obstacles of losing weight and being healthier... Right now, I feel like a fraud. Those nasty little voices are having a field day in my mind and I once again find myself fighting them off, telling them to go to hell and whatnot. Days like this...perky gets on my nerves. heh.

What I saw in the mirror... and please forgive me if this goes into the territory of TMI, but I need to talk about it... what I saw in the mirror disgusted me... completely... and it was me.

Dagger... heart... twist...

The double stomach roll is the worst... the squishy lump of loose skin and fat deposit above my navel; the saggy, fatty tire below that sags down so far, it almost covers my... um... well... nether regions. Just gross...

Add to it my legs, especially my thighs. These would make a turkey farmer at Thanksgiving drool with money-green envy. Cut them off, season and roast on a spit, then slice like gyro meat. They could feed a small impoverished third-world country. Disgusting...

My rear end... well... just too big. I'll leave the cottage cheese-filled remarks in my head.

I feel ugly, plain and simple. I feel like I'm lying to myself when I say I'm looking better. I cringe inside when people tell me how good I look or use the dreaded "I" word... inspiration. I'm not inspiring. Inspiring people do well. They stay on plan 9 days out of 10, not 2 days out of 30. They do what needs to be done, even if they're not in the mood. They're happy overall and usually seem to find the silver lining in most situations. They're in control, committed, and willing to put the effort into their journeys each day.

Me... I'm struggling to believe that the 7-point, healthy breakfast I ate today was 1) a great choice and 2) can be the start of a healthy choice streak. I just need to continue making those kind of choices. I need to believe that I can do this.

I'm also looking at having to cancel Weight Watchers due to monetary concerns. I have been going since May 2009 and have been more successful that I have ever been... not because of the pounds I've lost, but that I've stuck with this journey longer that ever before. My way of thinking about weight loss has completely changed and I know I rely on my weekly meetings sooooooo much! They help me to feel good about my progress and bolster me when I need rescuing. I have made it this far in large part because of those meetings. Unfortunately... another reality check... the money just isn't there. While I do have a free "Plan B", it doesn't include the in-person group support that's I joined WW for, that's kept me going.

I'll admit... I'm scared... Scared of reverting back to bad habits I worked so hard to break; scared of gaining all of the weight back and then some. Most of all, I'm scared of failing... again...

I have all of the tools I need to drop this excess weight, to change (and improve) all of those areas on my body that disgust me, to be successful... meetings or no meetings... I have everything I need...

Except motivation. Somehow, someway, I need to dig very, very deep once again and find that motivation, that spark that will push me forward, no matter what my situation is. I have never been successful going along this journey alone. Guess it's time to change that... one choice at a time...

~Heather