As I write this blog... so long overdue... I am watching “Star Trek.” Envisioned and created by Gene Roddenberry in the early 1960s, the version I am currently enamored with is the newest installment in the franchise. Brazenly restructured by the magnificent J.J. Abrams, it truly has earned its place within the Star Trek mythos. Simply said... I LOVE this movie!!!
The reason I open with this is that 1) I really do love this movie and 2) it has reminded me of where I am in my life, what has come before and what is going to be. You see, what J.J. did was to completely change the whole timeline in the first 10 minutes of the movie... back-stories rewritten, pivotal moments wiped and replaced... everything changed in the blink of an eye. He did this while keeping true to the important specifics, spirit, personalities, and quirks of the series, but anything that happens from this point on in the Star Trek universe will be forever altered by this movie.
So goes this movie; so goes my life. Some things are the same, but some are changing forever and in a big way. Some have been changing slowly, but... like the movie... most are changing in the blink of an eye and my life (and the lives of my family) will never be the same.
I have written and rewritten this blog post several times over the last couple of months; each time changing, tweaking, updating... The posts ranged from bright and bubbly to downright scary, angry dark. I've been on this crazy roller-coaster and now... now... well, I'm still on the roller-coaster, but I'm using this moment to get a handle on things, so to speak. At least as well as I can. I need to grab onto what I know works, steady myself, and (slowly) piece together this chaotic, splintered existence which is my life. Well, maybe it's not quite that bad. Still...
While I won't be laying out my memoirs here (you'll just have to wait for the book in 20 years), I will bring clarity to the vague blog messages I have posted here and there over the last month or so. I think you deserve something of an explanation and I need to get this in black-and-white, if only to help me accept and move forward. So, here we go...
There really isn't a good way to spin this and my brain is so mushy these days, I can't seem to come up with a light and breezy way to put this, so I hope you'll forgive my bluntness. My family is broke. None of us seem to be able to get a job for anything and now we're at a point where we have to decide every month whether to pay the mortgage (and keep a roof over our heads) or pay our bills (and keep the creditors off our backs). 3 adults + 1 child existing on 1 unemployment check. That's it. No savings, no assets of any real value to sell, very few options. Next week, we'll be applying for food stamps; something we've been avoiding for months. We'll keep applying for jobs, but in the meantime, we're going to have to learn to navigate the “system” of being below the poverty level.
For those that have never been there, the way the mere thought of this kills the spirit is immeasurable. It is beyond humbling. It's humiliating, degrading, and scary. The system is not set up in a way where you can work towards slowing emerging from it. Either you're in or you're out. It's that simple. You can't be in school and get benefits. You can't earn more than a pittance from a part-time job or your benefits are cut off. There are no gray areas in the figures. There is no mercy, no compassion... The system is set up (or at least feels like it is set up) to assume you're cheating it somehow, yet those that know how to work it can cheat easily, screwing those that come into it on an honest level. If you think dealing with banks or insurance companies are bad, try dealing with a state so badly in debt that no provider associated with the system wants to help you (especially with the medical side) as they probably won't get paid. It's not fun.
I do not write this to garner sympathy or to illicit donations. The ONLY reasons I write this are:
- To lay out one of my biggest sources of stress and emotional upheaval, so that you can understand what I'm up against and why I've made many of the choices I've made recently (more on these later) in terms of my weight loss journey and in terms of my family. Talk about changing strategies...
- To vent just a little. Keeping all of this inside... putting on a happy face... has been extremely tough. I try to cry when I'm alone, but I'm an emotional person and there are cracks in my “happy-strong” persona so big you could drive a Mac truck though them. I need an outlet to help keep me on a more even keel. Blogging is going to be a big part of that.
This one (overwhelming) change has led my family to another change; another scary journey into the unknown. A change that I never, ever expected to have in my life. My hubby, in an effort to save us, is joining the Army. Tomorrow, he leaves for our regional MEPS (military entrance processing station). When he returns on Tuesday, we will be a military family. He will then attend basic training in the spring, job training in the summer, and stationed wherever the Army wants him. Our little guy and I will follow him at some point (to be determined later). A minimum of 4 years... deployments... moves... a whole new world to learn... even a new way of speaking and thinking (everything seems to be in acronym form).
My main concern is with our son. He's 3 and deals with having Sensory Processing Disorder and Autism. It took him over a month just to get used to his new bath tub when we moved into our house. If anything truly scares me about this change, it's how he'll react to all of this; daddy being gone for months at a time, different houses, different schools, different people coming in and out of his life... Will all of this help him or hurt him? I don't know and that is scary.
By making this decision, we are giving up a life that I had always wanted... a good house with a large yard and play area for our child; a large wonderful group of friends that know and care about us; immediate and extended family only a quick drive away, getting together on holidays or whenever we felt like. Our son would grow up with his grandmas right there, going to school with friends he'll have known for years, living in the same home... safe, comfortable, familiar, predictable (very important for kids with SPD and Autism).
Heck, this is something I've wanted... needed... desired my whole life! My family was moved around due to my dad switching jobs every 4-5 years and I HATED it. It took me years to find my place in things (friends, cliques, groups, etc) thanks to my own SPD. Once I'd finally settled in and found a happy balance, we'd move again. Never near relatives or anyone we knew. Over and over... first with my family, then my ex-hubby... This home that we moved into last year was my dream; my family all together, looking forward to years of quiet domesticity. Now, to save my family, I must let it go. I must let go... Easier said than done to be sure.
Before wrapping this up, I will touch upon my weight loss journey... due to our financial situation, I have had to cancel both my Weight Watchers and gym memberships. I know I have gained some weight back due to poor food choices (I'm a big-time emotional eater!), yet I don't want to weigh myself on my scale at home (it's not accurate). I know I need to choose food more wisely, motivate myself to exercise in some way, and recapture that inner spark I had a few months ago in making this a priority. But, my first decision has been to stop beating myself up about what I'm doing badly and allow myself to take small steps here and there to pull my emotional self together. This blog post, while a long time coming, is one of those steps. I've known that I needed to get this laid out as a first step. So, here it is.
I have not given up. I have had to push it down the to-do list a little bit while I deal with other things. That's all. Hubby and I have already talked about working out together in preparation for his basic training. Heck, this may end up being just what I needed to become an exerciser. Guess we'll see.
So, there it is, my friends. Not a tremendous amount of detail, but enough for you to know what the heck has been going on with crazy ol' me. This blog is changing and will soon reflect more than weight loss. It will reflect my life as a military mom of a special needs child, wife to a soldier husband, and a woman who will be looking for balance, peace, strength, and permanent weight loss. I hope you will stick with me on this journey through life. I promise... it won't be boring.
Live long, and prosper...
~Heather
2 comments:
Heather, I know how it is. When we moved to Indy, we took a pay cut that has really hurt us. We are on foodstamps and the kids are on medicaid. If I were to get a part time job, our food stamps would be cut in half. Paying for that and for childcare would take up all the paychecks and the extra money we need would be gone. Not to mention the fact that if you have too much money in your bank account, your foodstamps are decreased or gone for that month. Of course if you don't report that extra money and they find out about it, then you have to pay them back! So saving for the future is right out. Tax returns have to be spent down within um I forget how much time etc. It is so frustrating. I am humiliated that we have to be on foodstamps and despair of ever supporting ourselves again.
I do understand about your son. My three year old is on the autism spectrum, although they are only calling him developmentally delayed right now. The most recent testing said he communicates on a 9-12 month old level. He doesn't have SPD though. But he has a short attention span and does things just because he can. He goes from one to the next and all I can do is make sure he doesn't ruin the walls or chug a bottle of syrup or what have you.
Ugh I've started venting here when I didn't mean to. It is hard to be the parent of an autistic toddler. They need to be watched all the time, and not in the way that people say toddlers need to be watched constantly. It is much more literal than that. I even go to the bathroom with the door open so I can keep an eye and ear out.
Keep in touch no matter where you go. Maybe being able to blog and talk to people online will make you less lonely as you move. And it sure would be nice to be able to lend a shoulder and have the ear of another parent whose 3 year old is autistic.
In the end, you have to do what is best for your family. Be happy and know that good things are going to happen in your life.
Johnna
Heather A....It must have been so freaking hard to write this post, but I agree that it was beyond important to do. I've really grown to care about you, and I just want you to be okay...I want you to be better than okay actually.
I'm scared of all of the changes you'll face, and who knows how long it will take to adjust..just don't stop fighting hunny! And your husband...wow. I can't even imagine what it must be like, but wow..I have nothing coherent to say other than to keep fighting and pushing forward.
Get the foodstamps so you and your family can eat. Get the help you can get to keep going. I'd give anything to hug you now or cry with you or scream with you..but I'm here...far off in NY, but I'm here if you want to vent, cry, all of it...
I hope that God will start pouring out his blessings on you and your family right now....
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