Day 116 - To Boldly Go...

As I write this blog... so long overdue... I am watching “Star Trek.” Envisioned and created by Gene Roddenberry in the early 1960s, the version I am currently enamored with is the newest installment in the franchise. Brazenly restructured by the magnificent J.J. Abrams, it truly has earned its place within the Star Trek mythos. Simply said... I LOVE this movie!!!

The reason I open with this is that 1) I really do love this movie and 2) it has reminded me of where I am in my life, what has come before and what is going to be. You see, what J.J. did was to completely change the whole timeline in the first 10 minutes of the movie... back-stories rewritten, pivotal moments wiped and replaced... everything changed in the blink of an eye. He did this while keeping true to the important specifics, spirit, personalities, and quirks of the series, but anything that happens from this point on in the Star Trek universe will be forever altered by this movie.

So goes this movie; so goes my life. Some things are the same, but some are changing forever and in a big way. Some have been changing slowly, but... like the movie... most are changing in the blink of an eye and my life (and the lives of my family) will never be the same.

I have written and rewritten this blog post several times over the last couple of months; each time changing, tweaking, updating... The posts ranged from bright and bubbly to downright scary, angry dark. I've been on this crazy roller-coaster and now... now... well, I'm still on the roller-coaster, but I'm using this moment to get a handle on things, so to speak. At least as well as I can. I need to grab onto what I know works, steady myself, and (slowly) piece together this chaotic, splintered existence which is my life. Well, maybe it's not quite that bad. Still...

While I won't be laying out my memoirs here (you'll just have to wait for the book in 20 years), I will bring clarity to the vague blog messages I have posted here and there over the last month or so. I think you deserve something of an explanation and I need to get this in black-and-white, if only to help me accept and move forward. So, here we go...

There really isn't a good way to spin this and my brain is so mushy these days, I can't seem to come up with a light and breezy way to put this, so I hope you'll forgive my bluntness. My family is broke. None of us seem to be able to get a job for anything and now we're at a point where we have to decide every month whether to pay the mortgage (and keep a roof over our heads) or pay our bills (and keep the creditors off our backs). 3 adults + 1 child existing on 1 unemployment check. That's it. No savings, no assets of any real value to sell, very few options. Next week, we'll be applying for food stamps; something we've been avoiding for months. We'll keep applying for jobs, but in the meantime, we're going to have to learn to navigate the “system” of being below the poverty level.

For those that have never been there, the way the mere thought of this kills the spirit is immeasurable. It is beyond humbling. It's humiliating, degrading, and scary. The system is not set up in a way where you can work towards slowing emerging from it. Either you're in or you're out. It's that simple. You can't be in school and get benefits. You can't earn more than a pittance from a part-time job or your benefits are cut off. There are no gray areas in the figures. There is no mercy, no compassion... The system is set up (or at least feels like it is set up) to assume you're cheating it somehow, yet those that know how to work it can cheat easily, screwing those that come into it on an honest level. If you think dealing with banks or insurance companies are bad, try dealing with a state so badly in debt that no provider associated with the system wants to help you (especially with the medical side) as they probably won't get paid. It's not fun.

I do not write this to garner sympathy or to illicit donations. The ONLY reasons I write this are:

1. To lay out one of my biggest sources of stress and emotional upheaval, so that you can understand what I'm up against and why I've made many of the choices I've made recently (more on these later) in terms of my weight loss journey and in terms of my family. Talk about changing strategies...
2. To vent just a little. Keeping all of this inside... putting on a happy face... has been extremely tough. I try to cry when I'm alone, but I'm an emotional person and there are cracks in my “happy-strong” persona so big you could drive a Mac truck though them. I need an outlet to help keep me on a more even keel. Blogging is going to be a big part of that.

This one (overwhelming) change has led my family to another change; another scary journey into the unknown. A change that I never, ever expected to have in my life. My hubby, in an effort to save us, is joining the Army. Tomorrow, he leaves for our regional MEPS (military entrance processing station). When he returns on Tuesday, we will be a military family. He will then attend basic training in the spring, job training in the summer, and stationed wherever the Army wants him. Our little guy and I will follow him at some point (to be determined later). A minimum of 4 years... deployments... moves... a whole new world to learn... even a new way of speaking and thinking (everything seems to be in acronym form).

My main concern is with our son. He's 3 and deals with having Sensory Processing Disorder and Autism. It took him over a month just to get used to his new bath tub when we moved into our house. If anything truly scares me about this change, it's how he'll react to all of this; daddy being gone for months at a time, different houses, different schools, different people coming in and out of his life... Will all of this help him or hurt him? I don't know and that is scary. 

By making this decision, we are giving up a life that I had always wanted... a good house with a large yard and play area for our child; a large wonderful group of friends that know and care about us; immediate and extended family only a quick drive away, getting together on holidays or whenever we felt like. Our son would grow up with his grandmas right there, going to school with friends he'll have known for years, living in the same home... safe, comfortable, familiar, predictable (very important for kids with SPD and Autism). 

Heck, this is something I've wanted... needed... desired my whole life! My family was moved around due to my dad switching jobs every 4-5 years and I HATED it. It took me years to find my place in things (friends, cliques, groups, etc) thanks to my own SPD. Once I'd finally settled in and found a happy balance, we'd move again. Never near relatives or anyone we knew. Over and over... first with my family, then my ex-hubby... This home that we moved into last year was my dream; my family all together, looking forward to years of quiet domesticity. Now, to save my family, I must let it go. I must let go... Easier said than done to be sure.

Before wrapping this up, I will touch upon my weight loss journey... due to our financial situation, I have had to cancel both my Weight Watchers and gym memberships. I know I have gained some weight back due to poor food choices (I'm a big-time emotional eater!), yet I don't want to weigh myself on my scale at home (it's not accurate). I know I need to choose food more wisely, motivate myself to exercise in some way, and recapture that inner spark I had a few months ago in making this a priority. But, my first decision has been to stop beating myself up about what I'm doing badly and allow myself to take small steps here and there to pull my emotional self together. This blog post, while a long time coming, is one of those steps. I've known that I needed to get this laid out as a first step. So, here it is.

I have not given up. I have had to push it down the to-do list a little bit while I deal with other things. That's all. Hubby and I have already talked about working out together in preparation for his basic training. Heck, this may end up being just what I needed to become an exerciser. Guess we'll see.

So, there it is, my friends. Not a tremendous amount of detail, but enough for you to know what the heck has been going on with crazy ol' me. This blog is changing and will soon reflect more than weight loss. It will reflect my life as a military mom of a special needs child, wife to a soldier husband, and a woman who will be looking for balance, peace, strength, and permanent weight loss. I hope you will stick with me on this journey through life. I promise... it won't be boring.

Live long, and prosper...

~Heather

Day 107 - The Times They Are A-Changin'

I'm in the process of setting up a plan... exercise... an alternative to my lost Weight Watchers... I'm close, but this may take a little longer than I expected. A new variable has entered the equation of my life that I really didn't see coming; something that could up-end everything in my life. The upsides of this are as drastic as the downsides. While I'm not ready to reveal any specific details right now, I will clarify this much:

- I am not pregnant.
- This deals with my husband's search for employment.
- No decisions have yet been made.

In the meantime, I continue to try and dig deep, seeking within for motivation and drive to not destroy all of the good work I've done while pushing myself even more to make good decisions. I know when the dust settles, I will be stronger for this period of time. For now, I will continue to keep the spark burning until I'm able to stoke up the flames and take this journey by storm!

It'll happen... one step at a time...

~H.

Day 105 - Get Ready...!

Hi everyone. Yeah, I know; long time no see. Well, I'm hoping that will change soon. For now, the blog bug was biting and I decided to put fingers to laptop keys and get this down on electronic paper; quite a strong need, I guess. To say things have been tough around here is a gross understatement, so I may drop some depressing tidbits here and there through my posts. I hope you will understand, as I have come to over the last several months of blogging. This blog was started by me to help me. I'm not here to depress or cause anxiety, but I do know that by blogging, I'm able to “work s**t out” as the saying goes. So, here I am, writing again, trying to clear my head a little of the cotton-candy cobwebs and put myself in some kind of order. If I don't, I know I'll just slide down a very nasty slope of guilt, depression, and weight gain.

I can't allow that.

Not any more.

I'm coming back. Watch out!

~H. :)

Day 97 - Just A Quick Note

Hi everyone!

I hope your holiday weekend has been fun and forgiving. I know the food temptations have been a little rough, but I think I've managed to avoid most of the portion pitfalls I've fallen into before. I'll find out tomorrow at Weigh In.

I actually have a couple of posts I meant to finish this weekend and post before now, but this weekend has been a tremendous roller-coaster ride (to say the least) and I haven't been able to get myself together enough to finish them. I'll get them wrapped up sometime this week and post them.

This week is going to be terribly stressful, possibly even life-changing. I can't go into details, but by next week, things in my life could be very different. All I can hope for are positive changes. All I can do is pray... and so I shall.

May you have a wonderful and positive week, my friends. You'll be hearing from me again soon. :)

~Heather

Oh, another quick note... Went to a concert yesterday and picked up a traditional tour shirt. What made this special was this was a regular XL and it fit perfectly!!! Just an amazing feeling! I just had to share. :)

Day 93 - Today's Motto

I wish I could eat cheese and bread, but I'll eat a small baked potato and broccoli instead. 

I wish I could eat ice cream and chocolate, but I'll eat some low fat yogurt and a banana instead. 

I wish I could be thin and healthy, but I will never reach my goal by wishing alone. So, I will do what is necessary to achieve my goal instead.

Day 91 - Figures and Goals for the Rest of 2010

Weigh In Day was today. After a crazy 8lb gain showed up on the scales last week, I was relieved to see a 6.2lb loss. Makes me think that the sodium-laden meal (light as it was) that I ate 30 minutes before last week's weigh-in skewed the numbers a bit. I'm taking today's weigh as an overall loss (probably about a pound or so) and, even better, seeing this as life's wake-up call to start making healthier choices again... which I have done the last few days. Yay me? Yeah... yay me!

Once again, the hubby, our son, and I piled into the ol' family van and headed for the walking trail; this time without nearly so much sighing and rolling of eyes. Dinner was phenomenal, so we ended up getting out later than we should have, so the walk wasn't quite as long. Still, we worked up a bit of a sweat and had a fun time.

Coming out of this past "low moment" has made me review the goals I had set out for myself for this year in terms of weight loss and health. I think we all start out a new year with hope and optimism, but by now, we're getting skiddish... nervous... fearful... that those goals won't be met, that we'll fail again in some way. I know I am. So, since we're starting a brand-new shiny month (and the beginning of my favorite season of the year!), I'm taking the words of my dear blogging friend Deb over at Deb Will Be Free to heart...  

"Regardless of how we feel, how much or little motivation we have, lets hit September HARD!" 

I agree, so to kick-start the remaining 4 months of the year off right, I'm posting my goals, revised and otherwise, here for ya'll to see. As cathartic as my post the other day was to help me pull my efforts back together, so I hope that by posting my goals here will help me push myself a little harder in achieving those goals.

I'm in "No Man's Land" right now, ladies and gents. My weight is at the lowest it's ever been since I past the 200lb+ mark back in 1993. I don't really remember what it was like to shop for a size that didn't start with a '2'. I was never seen as a "skinny girl" even when I was 135lbs as a freshman in high school, so I have no idea what that feels like at all. I'm working towards a goal where the only thing I know is the number on the scale. It's actually a bit scary when I think about it. It also makes it more difficult for me as I'm usually the type to shy away from totally unknown things; too shy and too easily freaked out. I feel like a person entering a dark cave with no flashlight and no knowledge of what lies within. I know that there will be pinholes of sunlight here and there. I will meet people who have entered the cave ahead of me and can give me their description of what I may find along the way. I know there is a light at the end of the cave tunnel and that light will come from a land I have never been in. All I can say is that there better be good sushi and dark chocolate there!

Ok... my goals at the beginning of the year we're pretty simple...

1) Lose 30+ lbs and reach 199 or less by December 31st.
2) Walk the WW 5K (Did that! Yay!)
3) Work towards making exercise/activity a regular part of my life on a consistent basis.

That was pretty much it. Simple, right? Well, #2 worked out better than I could hope for! I shocked myself with that one. So awesome! As for the rest, it's been harder than I thought. I've been dealing with a tremendous amount of stress, some of which I never saw coming. Really thrown me for some loops to be sure. But, I keep rising up out of the ashes and plugging away at them. Persistence? Maybe... I just am not willing to fail at this anymore. I've been fighting every physical, mental, and emotional obstacle that I've been hit with and I can say now that in the past 8 months, my approach to weight loss has changed so dramatically that I don't think I could go back to the way I was before even if I tried. I believe that is the most positive point to date! So, where do I go from here? Let's look at the numbers for reaching Goal #1...

Current Weight: 226.6
Goal Weight (by 12/31/10): 199
Amount of weight needed to lose to reach goal: 27.2
Number of Weeks left until 12/31/10: 17
Average number of pounds to lose each week: 1.6
Average number of pounds lost per week since May 2009: 0.5

As you can see, I have my work cut out for me. I will have to push myself harder than I have been and overcome a number of challenges... Holiday eating... lack of weekly meetings (though I do have a "Plan B" I'm working on)... other matters that I won't discuss here. It's going to be a challenge for sure, but one I'm working on every day. As my hubby says "This is an achievable goal." I can will achieve it! One step at a time...

In the next couple of weeks, the daily patterns around here are going to change dramatically, so for now my plan is to just keep making good choices food and water-wise, keep attending meetings until my membership expires, get back into the gym at least a couple of times per week, keep getting out with my family (or on my own) on those days when the weather is good, and plot my new strategies as I'm able to. By the end of September, those changes and strategies should be pretty well established and then the real work begins. Until then, I shall be like a reed in the wind and do my best.

I leave you today with this thought...

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” ~ Maria Robinson

Until next time, my friends,

~Heather